DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

[Madferrrit]

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

He has sat on this all this time, keep score then chucked it in your face.
What a twat. There is no way I could be with someone like that. You will be at your most vulnerable and he has declared hes going to enjoy watching you suffer.
Makes my skin crawl

Yeah my STBXH was like this too. Things like he’d position himself in the kitchen to make it harder for me to get past or put his feet up and not take them down when I was trying to get past so I’d have to climb over them. Or he’d leave me to get the dinner ready and just start getting in the way just as I was dishing up and needed to concentrate. Some of you might think that’s being paranoid and it wasn’t deliberate but when it’s part of a pattern of controlling and manipulating behaviour then you know.

It’s hard to realise they’re doing it on purpose for a long time because your mind just doesn’t work in that way. I just wouldn’t even think about making life harder for people out of spite. But I’ve seen enough manipulators now and how they operate to know it’s a thing.

OP I think your DH did want a child but for two reasons: one because it’s an ego boost to have a mini me. And another because it makes you more dependent on him and he can manipulate you more.

Id be curious about why his last relationship broke down. She might not have told you - there’s no point as people always disbelieve this kind of thing - but I bet he was similar towards her.

Firstly it's wierd to call yourself a step dad in a short term relationship with someone in your early 20s.

Secondly, he clearly doesn't treat all kids the same because he's going to treat his second differently to his first. He's weaponising his child against his partner/it's mother.

He makes me really uneasy from your descriptions, and I can't 100% work out why yet.

I agree with your last sentence, the OPs post has given me horrible vibes

Agree with @VikingsandDragons

There is something off here regardless of the fact he's a lazy fucker who doesn't want to do the drudgery of parenting. Do you know why his previous relationships ended?

I'm not saying (in my earlier post) that he is correct or entitled to act this way. I just found it very cold that you distanced yourself from a child in your home. I don't think either of you come out looking good.

Except she hasn’t.. She’s said how she’s always done things with and for DSS and that she loves him to bits, wants him to bond with the new baby and he comes to her when he’s upset. Hardly the description of a cold, uncaring person.

OP he sounds absolutely horrible. And stupid quite frankly, or perhaps a narcissist.

It would be sad for you to lose DSS but not this sad little snake of a man.

Really seriously consider your options. You deserve better and it sounds as though you are young and will find better xx

This is the saddest post I've seen on here. I'm so sorry. I don't even know where you go from here.

The whole thing is very odd - how is she doing I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger but not "parenting" These are parenting tasks (for want of a better word)

So long as she goes, anywhere is preferable than being with this horrible, appalling man.

He said he “loves all children the same, my own or others, I treat them the same”.

Yes... he always palms them off on whichever woman he's got currently plumbed in with the other appliances.

WTF? 🙄

LTB

He said he was a “stepdad” once with a woman with a newborn. He said he “loves all children the same, my own or others, I treat them the same”.

How on earth did you not reply 'if you loved them the same as your own child, where are they now? Would you leave your own child behind if you split up with the mum? .. no didn't think so!'

How are you letting him get away with spouting such bullshit? The first thing I would have said to his 'you will have to do all the parenting' is to say 'well actually they are both YOUR children, so you don't get to opt out, you absolute pillock'

No wonder his relationship with his ex didn't last after they had a child, he sounds insufferable.

Instant LTB

He wanted control.

He thought if you had a baby you wouldn't leave. And you would be stuck with him. He wanted to trap you.

This really gets my spider senses tingling. He decided to wait and teach you a lesson when you're at you're most vulnerable. You know normal people don't do that right? He knows you'll be having doubts about leaving because you sound like a nice person.

I can understand you wanting the baby and that's you're choice, support or no support I would be leaving him asap. You'll have 3 children to look after if you stay and unfortunately one of them will never grow up or move out.

So because he had to parent his first child (well, only half the time!), he's not planning to parent his second child?

He's made it clear you're about to be a married single parent, so you may as well be an actual single parent and leave him now.

No you weren't. You are being controlled and conditioned by this man.

This is one of the most sickest twisted things I’ve read on here. Stepmums (and mums) have it tough, and this is proof of where it starts!! Right there. A man who behaves like this. End of story.

He wanted more control over you and getting you pregnant and stuck with his child is a sure way to do that.

He sounds like an absolute dick and he’s taken full advantage of you from day one.

He has had his child 50% of the time. Shared equally between the Mother and Father. He remarried and you do some help with DSS, so actually he has done less than 50% of all care for his first born.

But now he thinks this new baby should 100% be your responsibility. WHY? Ask him why he did 50% for his first child, but with the new baby expects to do 0% night wakings and early mornings? why does he plan on treating this second baby worse than his first?

And ask him why he expected his ex to do 50% with his first child…… yet expects you to do 100%

Try let him tie himself in knots explaining it.

Op has said that she gets on well with his ex partner the mother of his child, she is also bonded with this child. I think this is in her favor and her best option going forward might be to form a strong alliance with the mother of the first child. Between them they might be able to face him down and get him under control.
I wouldn't bother arguing with him or putting my point across. Take control and treat him like the dog that he is, train him by rewarding good behaviour and block off all opportunities for bad behaviour.

There is something extremely sinister to my mind about pressurising you for years to have a child, to then when pregnant telling you that it will all be on you.

Not normal.
Deeply abnormal IMO.

Ridiculous, new partners are not your free childcare. The father is perfectly capable of doing 50% of the mornings.