DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

[Madferrrit]

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

A second obvious answer is that abusive men are not stupid and know perfectly well that they have to rein in their behaviour until their partner is “stuck” in some way: pregnancy, kids, marriage, shared mortgage or other debt, lack of savings and financial dependence. Then bit by bit they allow themselves to behave more and more badly, confident that the pain of leaving may seem worse than the pain of staying.

A third obvious answer is that people don’t start threads about their non-horrific partners.

I suspect he wanted you pregnant, vulnerable and stuck. 😞

Yes, id want a baby too if I wasn't prepared to do any of the hard work.
If DSS goes to you when he is unwell or sick, that says a lot about your DH parenting.
Why did he split with DSS mum? Not pulling his weight then either? Be interesting to hear whT the ex has to say.

How do you leave? Start planning now. Open a savings account and begin to direct some of your monthly money there - once you have enough for a flat deposit find one and leave!

So he treats “all children the same” except when it’s his own soon to be born child as he wants to use it as punishment against you for not helping more with his son. Sorry but this does not sound like a man who cares about you. He wants to see you struggle.

I don't think this is about him not wanting to parent etc; I think he is telling you that he is looking forward to seeing you struggle.

There's something wrong with him and you need to protect yourself and your baby.

But you are stuck with the baby. Think again and start planing your future.
Or accept that you have the sole responsible for 2 children.

Oh sweetheart. I’m sorry. He is not a nice man. Your DSS has been so lucky to have you. Honestly, leave the bastard. I bet if you sit down and honestly think about it there’s a lot of stuff like this that’s been going on since the beginning. You’re not his servant, his house keeper or his nanny. You’re supposed to be his partner, and he’s supposed to be on your side.

You’re going to get a shock?! I’d be telling him he’s going to get a shock when you dump him!

Being a parent doesn’t work like that pal😂 the ridiculousness of some people is off the scale.

op, do not put up with this, you’ll end up resentful, bitter and really disliking him.

Having a baby with him does not mean you are stuck with him. I promise.

Unfortunately op he is very unlikely to change, in my experience ( ivf, he wanted, but wouldn’t help with baby/child). Yours won’t change snd you’ll have done tough days ahead. I really wish you well - you’ve done everything out of love and it’s bring chucked back st you

He sounds like a fucking monster

You need to reframe this. He doesn't get to opt out of 'helping' with the baby because his role is not to 'help' but to be her dad and look after her.

If he isn't going to do that, you should leave him. I really mean that. He's showing you who he is.

Incidentally, why did his first marriage or relationship with DSS' mum break down?

I know if I try to leave him he’ll make things really difficult for me. I don’t even know how I would

This is really worrying OP. Along with the other stuff. And his actions not matching his words.

To put not too fine a point on it, bollocks. She offered, he turned her down.

@Madferrrit Op if you ever want a MN handhold there are those of us on here who have left with a bump/baby in tow. It's possible. Even if he makes it difficult. But get advice and do it quietly, safely and sooner rather than once your baby is here. Your not alone x

Sorry but I'd be getting a termination and a divorce. Nobody much would think this was okay. Just because he had a child - his child - and he got up for him doesn't mean that he gets to check out from providing any care to a child you had together. I am not meaning to sound mean but you still sound young and maybe still a bit naïve. I think he chose you for that reason so he could make you do some of the donkey work of childcare rather than kicking back and telling him to parent his own child.

I have been married for over 30 years and I wouldn't for a moment, except in an emergency, have considered getting up for early morning wake ups for a stepchild (if I had one). In fact, when my own sons were four year olds they knew perfectly well that they weren't to come and pry mummy's eyes open to read them a story before 8 am.

As a previous poster said there was a reason why he was single and older with a 4 year old in tow. As another previous poster also said your husband knows perfectly well that care for a new-born is completely different than care for a four year old and there is no valid reason to make you take full responsibility for the new-born as “punishment” for stopping doing wakeups for your stepson after you had a medical episode. My husband shared the care with me for our children as babies when they were waking through the night and even then it was hard. (I actually fell asleep on the nursery floor and woke up to find the baby had nodded off under his activity gym.)

To be fair, I don't think most people do love stepchildren the same - my husband has a warm friendly relationship with both his step-parents whom he cares for, likes and respects - but he doesn't love them like parents. And neither has tried to be his parent. My husband says he thinks of his stepfather in the way you'd think of a favourite uncle and he's been in his life for over 40 years. But what your husband said was very unkind.

As a stepmum and a mum I can see with sides. Whilst you had absolutely zero obligation to do early mornings with dss I think it would have been nice to have made a bit of an effort on it regardless of what your dh was doing.

However he is a massive bellend for his current statement.

Have you actually talked to him about what he said? Is he saying that because you plan to breastfeed? Has he got those expectations because of his previous partner? Just tell him straight that the child will be 50% his responsibility so you expect him to do his share and that whatever has happened with DSS is irrelevant as he had his own two parents to share his care. If he's not normally a total twat then at least talk to him before deciding to leave, some people are just clueless!

I saw your update. If you don't want to have this baby, then book a termination and tell him you had a miscarriage. Then quietly start looking for a flat - get that all signed up - pack your stuff and move out. I'd leave a note if you think he might be "difficult". In fact, that word difficult really concerns me. How would he be difficult? I am really concerned for you but your job is your lifeline to get out.

Hi OP, not demeaning your feelings or ignoring anything your DH said to you, but are you sure he is not just winding you up because of what happened when he had to take full care of his son because you were unwell? He may have been hurt because to him it may have seemed like a rejection of his son. I don't know if he had his son full time from when DSS was very first born and he still has full care of him, and his Mother only has limited access, but it seems if your DH doesn't, then he must have him for some significant time, if you used to wake up with them and stay with them all day as you said. You say that happened until you became very unwell and you were signed off sick for 6 months. I'm trying to play Devil's Advocate here so that you can look at all options and establish if DH really meant what he said, before you make any serious long term decisions. He may, in his eyes, just be getting his own back by saying this and actually he has absolutely no intention of leaving all the childcare to you. Have you asked DH to discuss it further so you can gauge whether it's just his twisted sense of humour, or if he actually means what he said. Please speak to DH and make sure of his true intentions before any more rash and/or hurtful things are said that cannot be unsaid and any long term decisions are made in possible haste.

I think you misread. Her update says that she DOES want the baby and will be keeping it.

Get away from this arsehole.

“Just” a twisted sense of humour or getting his own back? To his pregnant wife?

Your bar is so low a snake couldn’t limbo under it.

If you get on well with dss mum, then you could probably continue a relationship with him, via her.

Please start as you mean to go on. Make it clear that he will need to shape up, or ship out.