DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

[Madferrrit]

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

That may be true. But he clearly doesn’t want to be a father / deal with actual parental responsibility!

leaving is so much easier whilst you’re still pregnant. So get out now.

I scoured your posts to see how far along you were, I was sort of hoping it was early enough to have a less traumatic termination but I read gender scan so know you must be at least 16 weeks along…

That may seem callous but I have the best intentions. You are still very young and you definitely married exceptionally young in this day and age. Nothing wrong with this at all, if you make a good decision and marry the right person.

His comments were awful. You have gone above and beyond for DSS by the sounds of things which is lovely, if only more stepparents were like you. The fact he doesn’t see this because you didn’t get up early with him every day and, shock horror, made your DH parent his own son is clearly ridiculous.

I’d be considering separating. He’s already telling you who he is and what he will be like as a parent. He’s essentially saying you will be a single mum. And you wonder why he split with his ex…

He sounds deeply unpleasant.

It is awful that he is plotting to leave you to struggle with tiredness and feel some sort of smug retribution when you do.

You are doing all the physical work of being pregnant with his child, and this baby will only get here through your physical endeavours. Pregnancy and labour require huge sacrifice on your part, he should be in awe of you and wanting to pick up the slack so that you can rest and recover. Instead he's planning for you to feel overwhelmed and isolated and unsupported.

What a git.

HRTFT but I read @Madferrrit posts.

Concerning that in addition to sounding a bit Trumpian (“I’m the best step parent there’s ever been, other people just don’t love ALL kids like I do”) you actually say that he will make your life hard if you leave him. That’s really concerning. On its own it makes me wonder if you’re actually safe, and it makes me say LTB because if you are not free to leave you are in an abusive relationship, regardless of anything else on top.

As you get on well with DSS mum, can you approach her and ask for some background on her split and co-parenting experience with your OH? She may well see the benefit of allowing you and DSS to maintain a relationship even if you leave his waste of space dickhead dad.

Also please take legal advice. But as pp have said, your life will almost certainly be easier if you leave him before the baby is born. He seems one of those who collects children as trophies, displays of virility and status symbols, and quite possibly doesn’t love his son- hence why he felt the same about his step kid (who he presumably has no relationship with now). He certainly doesn’t seem to see actual parenting as anything to do with him, or of benefit to the baby as well as to him!

I suspect your downturn in mental health you mention was caused by him. You doubt yourself unnecessarily and need to know and believe you are right in your opinions. Everyone here agrees with you. Take strength from that. It’s not easy when you know they will make it difficult if you leave. I had this and at the time told my solicitor mine would try to take my money and children. As we spoke paperwork arrived to do just that so I understand. But I wish I had left sooner as he broke me emotionally once I told him I knew what he was up to in secret - burner phone etc. So, you need to consider that. Hold onto your job - that’s the most important thing as he will try to make it difficult to do that - I have had my career compromised by men who have made my life hard and I’ve had to keep going at work. The fact that you know he will make it difficult to leave says it all. So either leave soon or pull back emotionally and try to regain your agency within your situation and don’t feel obliged to do anything he asks and don’t listen to him as he has bad intentions and is always wrong in his attitude to you - be confident in that. You don’t need to argue with him on that - keep him sweet but at an emotional distance and make sure you do exactly as YOU want as it will be correct and in your and your child’s best interests.

You're not being unreasonable to be anxious or to want him to help you with his child when it is born.

I'd point out that DSS isn't yours. This baby is both of yours. That is the harsh fact that he obviously doesn't like. Why wouldn't anyone look after their own child..
I say as someone who did all of the night wakings! (I breastfed and didn't need DH to wake too, other than the beginning to help with changing).

He wanted 50/50 with his son. He’d want possibly take the little girl away too on a 50/50 basis. He would be able to do this through court.

No you weren't wrong but clearly has has been harbouring a grudge all these years and it's payback time. What a horror of a guy!!!!

What a wonderful, loving, caring, devoted father your baby is going to have. Not! I would rather be a single mum and go it alone than put up with a cretin like this.

What an asshole. You’d be better off without him op.

I agree with other comments. Your husband wanted 50/50 with his son's Mum, so he wouldn't have to pay child maintenance. When he meet you, I think his expectation were for you to be doing the lions-share on the parenting of his son. You have been a fantastic step-Mum involving yourself in your step-son's life but as your counsellor said, being there as an additional loving adult. You aren't your step-son's parent, it isn't your responsibility to parent him. Your husband is now saying you don't treat his son as your own and that you'll be doing the night feeds for your unborn daughter solo. Why? Because he's punishing you, for him having to parent his son, and the fact his plan for you to do the majority of the parenting, spectacularly backfired.

He's a nasty, vindictive man. I suspect that he did very little parenting of his son, when he was with his Mum. I'd bet my bottom dollar, it's one of the reasons why their relationship broke down. If you stay with your husband, expect to be solo parenting your daughter, with little to no help from your husband. He's not a good Dad or husband.

This seems to be a trend on all social media currently. Women complain about the awful treatment by their partners and then ignore any advice and defend the relationship.

He’s an arsehole and if he’s not already making your life miserable, he’s looking forward to you being miserable when your baby is born. I’m sorry.
leave now before you’re trying to do it while exhausted and post baby when hormones will be going wild.
gutted for you that he’s such a twat.

Please keep in mind that while you are still pregnant you can leave and move to live anywhere you want to. The other side of the world, if you like. If you try to move after your baby is born, he will take steps to prevent you moving away, so he can seek 50/50 again and avoid paying maintenance. He's a vindictive prick and will be a terrible parent to your baby. He has 50/50 for your DSS but wanted you to do half of the mornings, and they weren't even early. He's a lazy, abusive cunt.

A child is the responsibility of both parents.

The man is a pig, why you'd think it was a good idea to marry and have a child with a man who would make it very difficult for you to leave, i dont understand. I doubt you have any intention of leaving him so really your only options are to accept you'll be doing all the parenting and raising your daughter in a misogynistic household, or try and talk to him and explain he may well end up divorded again if he doesnt change his attitude.

If he really wanted a baby then he should be willing to do everything having a baby entails.

A baby is not a toy.

He is showing you who he really is. Listen carefully,

Being a mum and a step mum IS different. He already has a mum. You done the right thing at the time.

Your husband is an arsehole.

My ex said that to me when I was six months pregnant and he never got up during the nights or early mornings. He saw me very sick with pnd and just shrugged.

It was one of the many reasons that we broke up. I doubt he would ever have done anything with DS.

I don't get this with some men. My DF was really hands on and he wanted to spend as much time with me as he could.

Sorry if I missed it, but where did you say he wanted 5050 so he wouldnt pay CM? Where is his mother (dss)?

Not sure I saw that. And Why is it always "he only wants them so he doesnt have to pay cm"? Is it not possible that he actually wanted to have his child with him? It sounds like the other side of "she wanted the dc more than him to get cm"

Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Secondly I cannot believe you didnt do any of the night waking or early rising for a young child in your house where you were part of the family. I'd be pretty annoyed as a parent with a step who stepped back so far. There should not have been that many, or gone on for long as he was already 4. He was going through a parental break up and it just feels wrong. I dont expect you to be the default parent in the house, but you're more than just an adult in his life.

What a crock!

But the man throws them bones it seems so it is 'worth' it, why? I will never understand

I'm very sorry OP, he's got you where he wants you and knows it. He's punitive, vindictive and mean. He's not going to revert to the person you thought he was, men like this only go in one direction.

Here's a taste of your life ahead:

You're tired, sore and baby won't stop crying. You want 10 minutes just to shower and ask him to watch the her. He says no, "I watched her when you showered last Wednesday"

You're buzzing around like a blue arsed fly getting kids ready for school. He has the day off, made himself a nice cooked breakfast - you get nothing (of course he didn't even offer) you make the kids cereal before dashing out.

Your nose is dripping with a cold, the kids have had D&V. His lordship is watching TV, barely looks up and asks what's for dinner and starts dropping hints that you're 'letting yourself go' and it has been ages since you've touched his penis had quality time together.

These, btw are real-life examples from women (yes, plural) I know who ended up with men like yours. You are lucky in that you still have options, even if you go ahead with the pregnancy, you do not need to be under the same roof and exist as his fuckable domestic appliance.

Your daughter will learn about relationships from you, if you set the bar this low for her, don't be surprised if she perpetuates the cycle.

Wow isn't he lovely.. NOT. Your DSS was not and is not your responsibility to parent although living together means that you will automatically provide some love, care and support the heavy lifting should sit with his actual parents (and I say this as a parent who lives with a guy who is a very involved STEP-dad but not an actual Dad). As the new baby is your joint child he should act as a father to him and a support to you. I'd be losing my shit over this one!