DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

[Madferrrit]

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

This is what I see. He is actively looking forward to seeing you in a painfully hard situation.

My exh was a bit like this - he’d take a sort of pleasure in it. It started way before children with little things like enjoying watching me struggle with small fiddly or physical tasks, but it never really clicked in my mind how odd and awful this was.

He wanted an unpaid nanny for his son, and found one in you. Your posts about his words have given me the willies big time - he’s gaslighting you, a woman who has no outside support, into thinking you’re not good enough at being a stepmum. He’s abusive.

Run before you you’re in a situation where you’re showing a girl that this is the way a man treats a woman.

Also to point out the obvious - getting up with a 4yo on a morning is a whole other realm to getting up with a newborn in the night!

You're right, my ex used to pull this tit for tat shit, with my DC and his. My SS came close to burning the house down several times, couldn't turn a thing off ever. When l finally had the audacity to complain, my 'D'H started following my DS round the house like a stalker, just waiting for him to leave one light on, then make the most triumphant big deal of it. He's an ex for a reason.

There are more red flag 🚩 with this post. All about what HE WANTS isn’t it ?

What an arse. Presumably DSS’s mum did wake ups with him for first few years.

Id be asking him how many wake ups he plans to do with 50/50 custody and paying CMS.

You should leave him. But I think, sadly, you won’t.

There's something else here that I don't think anyone else has picked up on yet.

You even offered to do the Sunday wakeup with DSS, but he said no, only to turn around and throw in your face that you hadn't helped. That's beyond manipulative.

Also - he was co-parenting 50%, he was already getting plenty of 'breaks'.

Alful man, he is gaslighting you. Its his baby as well, he needs to step up or ship out.
If you leave him make sure you take all documents, and contact the CSA for maintenance. He admitted he us going to enjoy seeing you tired out and struggling.
He is a piece of shit and you are better off without him. He will have to pull his finger out them, as he will have no Nanny to for his stepson, who is his responsibility.
He only wanted you to have a baby for control, what he said confirms this.

Pretty safe bet that when he has their daughter he wont look after her properly and will favour his son over their joint child. Op will be in constant turmoil worrying about her daughter.

@Alwaysalert 23:07

I don't know if he had his son full time from when DSS was very first born and he still has full care of him, and his Mother only has limited access,

No, he had his son 50% and the child’s mother did not have ‘limited access’. ( Limited access suggests there was something wrong with her and good and reliable about him.) You are seeing him through rose tinted glasses even as devil’s advocate I think.

You need to leave this man he's a piece of shit.

So he scares you?

Hang on, I’m just adding this up with the other numbers you’ve mentioned.

You married your DH when he was 27. Presumably you had been together for some time before this, let’s say a year. So at age 26 he had a four-year-old (as you say you met DSS age 4) and therefore was 22 when DSS was born. Unless DSS was the product of a one-night stand 9 months earlier, presumably he spent some time with the mother when he was 20/21 and into his early 20s.

So when exactly was he being a stepfather to some other woman’s newborn child? When he was a teenager?! This sounds like absolute bullshit to me. And where is this child now that he was apparently treating like it was his own?

What!? So he's been keeping a tally of who gets up when and has decided you now owe him a certain number of lie ins? That is petty and pathetic in the extreme. On top of that he is trying to cast doubt on the loving relationship you have with your DSS. He is also not taking into account the physical aspect of carrying a baby and giving birth and the support and rest you will require after the birth. Someone needs to give him a very firm talking to. Does he have a brother/ dad someone who can bring him to his senses if he has any.

So he is saying you do not love him as if you do not know real love until a child is born then your love for him is not real in his eyes and visa versa. I would say that and say clearly his love for you or the unborn child is not real as he doesn't want to parent.

This!
Clearly letting you know how he feels about you and your baby together .

Not my bar - I am not the DH. Just suggesting OP thinks of all angles and all options before making HER decision. I don't put up with shit from anyone. I do not know the truth of what has happened, is going to happen, whether DH means it, doesn't mean it and no-one else on here does either. Give OP time to breathe fgs.

I haven’t RTFT so I’m quite sure this has been said already, but ‘Help’ you? Exactly what the actual fuck does he mean, ‘help’ you? He’ll be her parent, not an uncle who’ll do the odd bottle feed and babysit now and again.

I’m sure he did want to have a baby. Lots of manipulative and controlling men do. It’s not because they’re feeling broody. It’s because it ties you down just a little bit more. You’re far less likely to wake up one day and say ‘oh my God, you’re a complete arsehole, I’m off to sleep on my mate’s sofa until I get my own place’. Instead, you’ll be out of the workforce, completely dependent on him for money and any hint of rebellion can be shut down with threats of how he’s got enough money to hire a good solicitor and get full custody of her and you’ll end up seeing her once a month and paying him child support. And because he’s ground you down so much, you’ll believe him. He’s already started by trying to make you feel like you aren’t a good enough step mum to his son, how it’s obvious you don’t love him etc. That is abuse. You are in a relationship with an abusive man. And abusive men don’t suddenly stop being abusive and go back to the lovely men they pretended to be when they tricked you into being in a relationship with them. They get more abusive.

When you were struggling and needed signed off from work, was he supportive or did he add to why you might struggle with your self esteem? It sounds like he knows how to play you, and is getting a kick out of making you feel guilty, and the fact you feel he’d make it difficult for you to leave is concerning. I couldn’t stay with someone who wanted to see me fail or struggle and I think that’s how he is coming across. How has the conversation gone since then? Did you stand up to him and tell him how he was making you feel? If so, how did he react?

That is one very nasty arsehole and you have been ignoring red flags for a long time.
I think you need to quietly get advice and make plans.
This is not a good man.
He intends to punish you.
Be very wary.
Talk to Women's aid, and your medical team, for advice.
Start putting money away now.

That's an end of relationship deal breaker in my book. You can't/shouldn't 'weaponise' childcare as a retaliatory mechanism for perceived unfairness (which wasn't actually unfairness).

Yes of course he wanted you to have a baby, to ‘hook’ you in! So you’re a permanent fixture who will eventually do ALL child-rearing! Open your eyes

There’s something really chilling about his behaviour. Like he’s looking forward to you being tortured by sleep deprivation, and being able to play a part in that. He’s a twisted fucker and I’d be doing my best to get myself away from him, whether or not you have a termination (and, in these circumstances, I’d be seriously considering it).

You didn’t meet dss till he was 4. I would bet my children’s lives that his actual mum did most of the first year. Sit dickhead h down and remind him you didn’t meet his son till he was 4 years old, and ask him if he’s seriously planning ahead to be an awful dad and husband because you weren’t in his sons life until 4. Ask him if he seriously means he did everything for his baby, as you know he did absolute maximum of half as that’s the only time he had with him, so he’s lied to your face. Tell him he’s a total 2yo who only had to parent half time and is still furious the new woman he brought into the relationship wouldn’t do that for him so he can stay a lazy selfish fuck of a dad. Say I’ll ask you ex if you did 100% of the baby care shall I? Then, if you have parents you can go stay with, tell him you’ll be leaving and at this point not returning.

i don’t think you should go back to him, this is very petty nasty weaponisation and just sheer lies from him. I don’t think you can fix that kind of man. Call his ex and ask what he was like when they had a baby, and do not give one single thought to whether he would be mad you called his ex.

He's not saying he won't help you. This isn't babysitting. It's his daughter.

He's saying he won't parent his own child.