DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

[Madferrrit]

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

Yeah, thanks I read the post about 50% a couple of pages back but totally unclear from only post I saw from OP earlier tonight. There was just the original post so there wasn't half enough info for me to make a judgement but that was all there was at that time. Only OP knows whether he does have a warped sense of humour, whether he means what he says, what he is like with her on a normal day to day scenario, what he is like with children and would he really want another and want to care for she/him. Is he a good parent to the DSS because presumably he will be with his own with OP. I do not know him and would not given the small amount of info I had in first post ever just say leave or don't leave. Now all the other information has been shown and OP has remembered things from years ago it would seem she is correct in having doubts. Whether she has the child is up to her and that is definitely one aspect I would not be advising on. She can now make her best decisions based on what she knows now and based on stuff from the past that she has remembered. Wishing her luck.

Nope. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Please don't allow him to gaslight you.

He's talking unadulterated shite.

My STBXH was like this…I will only get worse.

I was breastfeeding twins in the lounge, DH and MIL were in the kitchen with DSS when he started shouting my name to look at something. I said I’d be there in a minute as half way through a feed and I was then berated for ignoring DSS.

DT have always been treated like second class citizens compared to DSS, and the wicked SM despite doing EVERYTHING for DSS when he’s with us.

100% agree he will find a younger model and she will do all the things with your child to impress him, and the cycle continues.

OP, do you know why he split with ex? Probably something to do with he wasnt stepping up for his son.

You seem to have a lot in common with the OP on this thread.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5433724-is-this-the-life-of-a-stepparent?page=1

He wanted a baby but doesn't want to raise her as an equal parent. I'm sure he has been planning to tell you (gleefully) he won't be doing anything during the night or in the mornings once you were pregnant. Did he do any night feeds with his DS?

You've said you have a well paid job so you are in a better position than most to leave. Anything else is going to breed resentment and isn't going to be a good atmosphere for your baby. You'll be doing it all anyway.

He mentioned an exes baby, so does he still see that child as he views other people's children as important as his own? (Well, the baby girl isn't as important even though she is his own, but you get my point).

Excellent spotting and yup, as expected, plenty of other abusive behaviour.

OP, as both your marriage and pregnancy seem to be extremely recent, you really should give very serious thought to getting rid of both. Shackling yourself to a selfish abuser would be a very bad life choice for yourself.

"Thanks for giving me fair warning that I'm going to be a single parent. So I'm off to actually be one, where I'll only have one child to raise instead of one and a man-baby. See ya!"

The resentment is there, if it's not the baby it's you. You can't come back from resentment. Please start making plans

Lots of people may want a cute puppy to put in a handbag and carry around like a doll does not mean they want to feed it or walk it nor pick up the mess and take it to the vet

why on earth do people assume 'but he said he really really wants a baby' actually means anything

What a nasty bastard OP - I read some things on here but to hold this against you and use it at your most vulnerable time - he is an utter scumbag.

Really worrying OP. Prepare to be doing all the work for your baby. I bet he didn't mention any of this before you got pregnant.
Tbh plenty of women do the lion's share anyway, but I think the relish with which he told you you were going be tired etc is just awful, especially when you were having a nice night talking about happily about the baby. Like he enjoyed bringing you down.
I'm sure you already know that it's common for domestic abuse to start when a woman is pregnant, and then escalate. Abusive men want the babies because they see it as trapping you, but they don't want to do the work.

Unfortunately, given all the information you have provided, your husband is a cunt.

When are you leaving?

Oh, he did really really want a baby He just didn’t intend to look after it. That’s your job.

He’s harboured this resentment for years. It sounds like he got you pregnant to teach you a lesson and will enjoy watching you struggle. It gave me goosebumps.

I’d literally run a country mile before having a child with this man. I’d leave now, it will be very difficult once the baby is here.

He sounds despicable.

I love my DH and decided to stay with him but if I was a single parent:

I could choose how to bring up my child.
Put him in bed with me when he wakes do we both get to sleep.
Go to bed as soon as he does so I get to sleep too if I need it.
I could eat my main meal with my child instead of cooking for child and later for us.

My DC loves his father, my DH and he is great with him. But he doesn't do that much actual care and its easier when he's not around. So being a single parent isn't an easy option but it might be a better one for you..

If he wanted this baby so much do you have the strength and equal position in the relationship to read him the riot act and say "you wanted this child with me and we are having it together - DSS is lovely and I love him BUT he is a child you had with someone else, not with me and I also only came into his life when he was 4 years old. With my child it is your job to be my partner and an equal parent, you do not get to default out of parenting just becuase you've had a child before, and this is what I need from you (talk to friends and work out what you think are reasonable expectations given your respective working hours, are you likely to breastfeed, etc."

Then you’re a mug

No because you did everything else.
Will youe husband be doing everything else with the new baby? I doubt it.

This! 9ts HIS SON just as much as his other one is so yes he needa to share all the qork with you.
Edited because I just saw your update you had Dss 50% of the time. You H is an absolute piss taker!

omfg I can’t believe what I’ve just read.

Please get rid of him. I hope you find the strength to. Because that’s just the first of the many manipulative / gaslighty things he will say to you.
I bet one of the near future comments will be, “You don’t care about DSS anymore.” especially if the poor little man has to do something for DSS himself while you’re recovering from having a baby and he will probably keep trotting that line out more and more. Also while neglecting his second child, as a lot of men seem to do when they have a child with someone else.

You and your baby deserve better. ❤️

He should have been the one to get up every morning he had his son- which was only 50%. You shouldn't have had to do any. Even though you dearly love DSS, he is only there because your DH is his dad, not you
It's absolutely not the same thing at all when you have a child together with him. If he's telling you now he won't pull his weight and truly means it then I would leave.
He wouldn't be "helping" you take care of the baby. It's HIS baby, he's not helping YOU at all, the baby needs care.

Your husband is an awful human being.

You need to have another talk and make it clear that as the baby is 50% his and he very much wanted another child, he can’t just refuse to help with her.

You sound vulnerable in some ways but strong in others. You have a good job and formed a great relationship with your stepson. Use your strength to stand up for yourself and for your baby daughter. She deserves to have an involved Dad.

I’m a stepmum and when DSC were younger I absolutely was not responsible for wake ups!!! They’re early teens now and I’m a natural early bird so sometimes I happen to be up when they are and we have hot drinks together (they now make mine 😎) on the weekend and chat. But in no way am I up so DH can have a lie in and DSC now sort own breakfasts and showers etc anyway so there are no ‘parenting jobs’ to do first thing.

this is shocking OP and I would seriously reconsider the relationship.

I think I remember this. You’ve posted before about him and DSS haven’t you? I can’t remember what the thread was about now, but I remember he said that he’d been stepdad to a woman with a newborn and you were questioning whether someone can really call themselves a stepparent when they’re only in a child’s life for a short time. Surely they’re just the boyfriend/girlfriend of the parent and nothing to the child. You’d have to actually have some part in raising them and have a longstanding relationship with the child to call yourself a stepparent. It seemed like an odd claim to make.
I do remember he was questioning your commitment as a stepparent and criticising you for not doing enough or loving your DSS enough. At least I think it was you.
I think you sound like a very committed stepparent actually. And your DSS clearly loves you and has a lovely bond with you.
Your “D”H is an asshole. But you already know that. He is criticising you for your step parenting when you have gone over and above. He is threatening to use the baby you have both created as some sort of point scoring exercise to teach you a lesson for…what? Not parenting HIS DS? You offered to get up early with him on Sundays and he said no. It isn’t your job to parent. The child has two parents. He doesn’t need three parents!

Your DH did his parenting 50% of the time (DSS was with his mum the other 50%). So surely your DH acknowledges that he put in 50% of the effort for his other child, so why not this new baby? Why would he do 50% of the effort for his older child but leave 100% of the effort for his new child to you? That doesn’t even make sense. And yet he is threatening to do this almost in a mocking way. Mocking how tired you’re going to be while he does what? Sits back and laughs?! Never mind the fact your body will have been through a physically traumatising event and will need time to recover. What is he proposing? That he has lie ins while you struggle through and all the while he’ll say “told you!” as some sort of payback for some resentment he has conjured up.

He doesn’t sound fit to be a father. Or a husband. Babies aren’t pawns in a point scoring exercise.

Genuinely, I thought this last time you posted, and I still think this now: you should make your plans to leave this awful man. He’s not fit to lick your boots. Being a single parent would be better than this. Sounds like you’ll be doing most of the work anyway. At least you won’t have someone standing over you mocking your exhaustion and telling you things payback for not doing enough as a stepparent. God he sounds absolutely awful!!!