DH says he won’t help with baby when she’s born

[Madferrrit]

i have been in DHs sons life since he was 4. I have a great relationship with him, I go to school plays, take him to football matches, played with him when he was younger. He would always come to me when he was tired or hurt or sick when he was staying with us. I love DSS a lot.

I was young when I married DH and became a stepmum, so maybe I was a bit naive. In the first year I did wake up with them and stay with them all day. Then I underwent some significant stress in my life and was signed off for 6 months. In that time I went to counselling and explored my guilt at not being a “good stepmum” because I didn’t do early morning wake ups. Counselor explained my role as stepmum was to be an extra loving adult in DSS life and I didn’t need to take responsibility for parenting things. I did say to DH at the time that I could do one early wake up on a Sunday to give him a lie in but he said he got up at 7am anyway so i didn’t have to.

Now we’re having a baby. I was excited the other night, we were talking about names and stuff. Then he said he would not be doing any night wakings and will be enjoying his lie ins. When I asked what he meant he said he was the one who did it all with DSS so now it’s my turn. Then he said you’re going to have a shock at how tired you are.

He said also said that I’ll understand what real love is when I have our baby, because I don’t love DSS “in the same way” as him - which is true I guess but I feel sad he said it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I guess am I unreasonable to be anxious that he won’t help me?

What a horrible man he is ! He has showed you who he is, id be packing my bags and leaving. He wants no responsibility as a husband to bring up this baby who you both will share. Better off being a single mum cause that's how it'll be .

I’d be seriously considering leaving now. Much easier. I’d have one more conversation around it to set boundaries and tasks (like you do 2 night shifts a week etc) and if he said the same thing I’d be done. It would be hard on your own but much harder with someone so disrespectful. I’m so sorry OP.

He might as well not be there at all then seeing as he's also an absolute knobhead on top of being purposefully useless. You might as well rid yourself of the burden of living with him and be a single mum as this is the life you'll be living anyway -it will be far more pleasant being on your own without a smug, lazy cunt in your bed. I'm really sorry OP -it's not you, it's all him.

Did he suddenly change when you became pregnant? Surely he wasn’t such a cunt already?

He's told you that he's basically going to "teach you a lesson' and he's going to enjoy it.

You'll need support for the birth and afterwards. Is there any where else you can go so you get it? Your husband can still be a dad but you're important as well

Otherwise you'll end up depressed when he follows through and won't enjoy your babies early days as much.

I take it DSS doesnt live with you full time? Is your DH really just having DSS on weekends and then having the cheek to say "you dont know what tiredness is". Well neither does he.

If you want to know what tiredness is like; ask your DH ex... she can tell you all about being tired, since she has been coparenting with your arsehole DH for DSS entire life.

Where do women find these dreadful men?

I would call his bluff and split up with him, the sanctimonious high-handed throbber. If you’re going to be parenting alone, you’ll do it a lot better without him gloating and mansplaining from the peanut gallery.

Christ, I am so, so sick of men.

I think you've just found out the reason he was single and dating again with a 4 year old kid in tow.

No, he’s not your child.
Your new baby is yours and DH child so you both need to do wakings. Just like DH and DSS Mum both did wakings for him. You didn’t because you’re not his parent.

DH didn’t do all the waking with a previous shared child. He did it for HIS child.

I am trying to think of something positive to say about your husband and the future of your marriage and I've got nothing. Sorry.

Well 4yo generally dont get up in the night much anyway.
How young were you when you got together?

I agree with those saying you should consider ending it now. If you leave before baby is born then you can move if you would like to (if you live away from your family) without him having any say in that.

You were quite right not to do early mornings with DDS. That was his parent's job and when he was staying with you that was DH. His attitude is really shocking.

Blimey, I’m raging on your behalf. What on earth did you say? Did you point out he’s one of this baby’s biological parents so he should be stepping up? Not that you should need to tell him this.

Gee, I wonder why he split up with the mother of his first child.

No, and it sounds like you are a lovely stepmum.
Your DH's attitude is shocking - both the unwillingness to help and the comment about your feelings towards your DSS.
You have created a loving relationship with your DSS and you are an important figure in his life. In this way I think you do have a responsibility towards him, but you are not responsible FOR him in the same way as his own two parents.
I really don't know where you should go from here, you must be quite discombobulated by this.

He sounds like an absolute twat.

I knew someone who split with her partner because of how little he was willing to get involved with the rearing of his own child. She said she was doing it all on her own anyway and figured she’d rather be an actual single mum than be a single mum anyway but in a relationship. She left him and said she felt no change in how much she was doing with the exception of not having to also wash the pants of a lazy bloke on top of everything else, and now also gets to choose what to watch on tv every night. She’s been happy as Larry.

He gets lie ins when his DS is with his mother. He is also the parent to both children and should be parenting them both. You are not the parent of both children. Big red flags, OP. Don't let him get away with punishing you for not doing his parenting job for him with your DSS.

One of my friends met a man with a son this age and immediately made her default "parent". Then, he was exactly as useless with their shared child as he was with the first one. I don't know why she was so surprised.

He waited all this time to be cruel and one up....what a small man

Anyone can see the difference this is BOTH your child, you DSS is his child. He's out because he couldn't use you in the past...what a very small man

Honestly, if you are able to I would have an abortion and leave him. You do not want to be tied to this awful, selfish man for at least 18 years if you have a child together

You aren't a parent to your dss. Of course you don't hold the same responsibility for parenting him.

It's obvious he was hoping to fob of his responsibility to his ds to you just because you are a woman, and now he intends to punish you for not complying. It's quite unpleasant. There's no reason for him to refuse to parent your joint dc, he's a parent with two dc, you are a parent with one dc.

I don't think I could continue a relationship in this situation.

This doesn’t bode well op, sorry 😔

Get out. Get out now. He says you’ve to do it alone, so go and do it alone. He will be worse than being alone because you’ll have the upset and frustration of doing it all alone while another adult is snoring away enjoying a lie in. It’s much easier to do it alone without fighting with another adult, and then you’ll get time off when he has the kid.

What a horrible man. Sounds like he resents getting you pregnant and doesn’t want another child so is distancing himself before the baby is born.