In laws being so insensitive after the death of my newborn nephew

[McFool]

NC’d for this

My newborn nephew died at a few hours old on Christmas Day. He was my sister’s first child and it was completely unexpected. I’m very close to my sister and this has been absolutely devastating, and a really difficult few weeks. My focus right now is on supporting her and trying to juggle that with work, looking after kids etc. I’ve been making sure they get fed, liaising with the professionals, talking to family for them, looking for funeral care etc to make life a bit less shit for them. it’s been tough and basically everything that is not about my sister and her DH has been completely sidelined.

On Boxing Day DH told my ILs what happened and I got messages but along the lines of “Your poor sister! Hope everyone is OK”. I know some people are really shit when it comes to grief so I just replied thanking them and saying no everyone isn’t ok we are heartbroken but I appreciate the message.

This week they have sent more messages, with a fundraiser for a baby loss charity about running 2k a day in January and “Maybe you and your sister could do this, try and raise some money”. I replied to say my sister can’t even get out of bed let alone go for a run! No reply, just a heart reaction. They are now pestering me and DH to choose some dates for a Center Parcs holiday we normally go on with them at Easter.

AIBU this goes beyond not understanding grief, and it’s utterly insensitive. These are adults, you don’t have to experience loss to know the encrusting pain it must cause someone. I’ve told DH I’m not going to Center Parcs as right now I’m feeling pretty unforgiving. I honestly feel like I’d be happy never seeing them again.

Or do I need to get out my grief fog? We lost our dad a few Christmases ago and I know looking back I didn’t behave reasonably around that time!

I think you should cut them some slack. Saying you'd be happy never to see them again is a huge overreaction, although understandable as you are grieving and you are worried about your sister.

Perhaps your husband could tell them you need some space, so that they don't bother you for a while. You may feel differently in a few days/months. Dont jeopardise the relationship by saying something you may regret. I think they're just a bit clumsy rather than insensitive.

I am a bereaved parent, and I don't think they are being insensitive, quite the opposite actually.

I think that you're grieving and angry and looking for something tangible to be angry at , which is understandable, and I've been there myself, but it's truly not healthy to push people away.

I am very sorry for the heartache your family is going through, and I hope that the coming weeks and months are as gentle on you all as they can possibly be 💐

Sorry for your and your familys loss.

Some people are all about being the main character in everything and cant see how that looks from other peoples view points.

Stick them on ignore and get DH to have a family chat where he can tell them to cop the fuck on or whatever else needs to be said so that they only send messages directly to him in the short term.

I don’t think they are being insensitive, grief is very hard for some people to talk about. It sounds like their heart is in the right place really. It’s hard to find the right words sometimes.
Sorry for your families loss

I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't think they have done anything awful. They haven't responded in the way you want them to respond, but I everyone's needs/wants are different and I think their response has been in the acceptable range. They shouldn't "pester" you about dates, but just asking is ok, provided they stop when you tell them you can't think about that right now.

Maybe ask your dh to explain gently to them how difficult the situation is and to be more sensitive.

if they’ve never been through that they probably haven’t even thought about the wider circle etc.

right now your emotions are quite rightly going to be everywhere op so regarding the holiday maybe find a minute to work on dates with dh but ask that he does the communication with them regarding that as your currently helping your family with the practical arrangements etc.

Thank you and I’m sorry for your loss.

I am angry, so angry. I don’t know at who. Everyone. No one.

I do think it’s better sometimes for people to just say nothing than the wrong thing, and I know I’m not myself right now

I would actually look at it differently, it may be the wrong timing but she is thinking about your sister and suggested something that’s possibly a positive thing to do in the future, just way too soon. As for centreparcs she probably isn’t making the connection between what happened to your sister and a proposed holiday months away.

just get your dh to deal with his parents as in a few months time things will feel different, you don’t want to mess up your relationship with them

Sorry for your loss. 💐

They’ve been clumsy, but not cruel or insensitive. Nor have they ignored the situation.

I’m not sure everyone would know exactly what to say in that situation, however well intentioned. It’s very difficult to know what exactly the right thing is to say or do.

I am so sorry to hear of this terrible loss. You are not being unreasonable. You need to be able to process your own sense of grief and loss while supporting your sister and her husband. You need time to grieve too. Hopefully your DH is providing the time and space for you to do this by taking over the lion’s share of the work at home and giving you quiet time.
If I were you I would quietly withdraw from the in-laws for a bit. (And anyone else making unnecessary demands on you). Some people are deeply insensitive. Others simply don’t have the necessary empathy to show enough understanding. I’m sure they are not bad people, just completely thoughtless.
Tell DH to deal with them and to explain to them that while you are dealing with this tragedy, you won’t be in direct contact with them. Anything they want to do and say goes through DH. Hopefully he will have enough sense to filter out everything apart from the deepest of condolences and the kindness of care. Look after yourself as well as you can. It’s the worst thing. Your sister is lucky to have such a close sister. With luck and for the sake of your own children you may be able to forgive them in time.

I found that a lot of grief also involved having compassion for people who are trying to have compassion for you - people who care, even people who love you, say the wrong things and do the wrong things. It sounds like your in-laws are saying the wrong things, yes, but it wasn’t very long ago that people had large families because infant death, miscarriage, and death in childhood was so much more common and treated so differently - bear in mind that a woman who says the wrong thing now may have gone through the loss of child without anyone saying anything to her, bad or good. I think mothers have always grieved the same amount - it just wasn’t spoken of, so you may find your PIL just don’t know what to say. I know the suggestion of the charity run has hurt you particularly, but please try to view it as people who: love you, don’t know what to say, and are trying to show that they are thinking of you and your sister. But yes, very sadly, I feel even in the late 90s, women were more “allowed” to be upset over child loss, but STILL expected to “just get on with it,” which was horrible for women then and it’s horrible for women now.

I would try to think of your PILs actions by assuming good intentions, if misguided, though maybe a bit of tone-deafness in regards the Centre Parcs trip (and it could be they are assuming or have been taught that routines are the best way to overcome tragedy, and it’s totally okay if you obviously do not feel that way).

I found myself creating situations to be angry at just so I could vent, and ended up pushing everyone away.

Now I'm years down the line I can see more clearly and I hurt a lot of people because I was hurting so much myself. Some were valid and some not.

If your inlaws didn't acknowledge what your family is going through you would likely be just as angry.

Definitely take a step back from them just now and get your dh to deal with them, is your dh supporting you, you can't be there for your sister if you're running on empty, and you're important too ❤️

I heard someone talking about allowing people to be clumsy in their sympathy. They are saying the wrong things but their hearts are probably in the right place.

I would let DH deal with them for now, they might be trying to do something “productive” but he can tell them you are not in the right place to be thinking of any of that right now.

Everyone deals with grief differently. For some people doing something positive like a charity run would be a way of dealing with it, for others there maybe a need to shut themselves away for a while. They aren't horrible people, they have reached out to you.
Holiday dates need to be coordinated with your DH.

They probably don't know how to act.

My friend was told by a dear childhood friend to get over it when she lost a baby. Needless to say that was the end of that friendship. Some people are nasty, but even kinder people can put their foot in it.

You don't need to get out of your grief fog. It's been two weeks and you're still processing. But I agree with pretty much everyone that they haven't done anything wrong, and wanting to confirm holiday dates is reasonable. If you need to take a step back and ignore them for now then that's reasonable, but please don't let it affect your relationship permanently.

You lost your DF around Christmas, now your Nephew, you're entitled to be unreasonable in my book.

They are meaning well and trying to show empathy. I appreciate you’re in a bad place with your recent loss and I think you’re looking for somewhere to focus your anger but what they’ve done really isn’t that bad. Ask DH to tell them to give you some space for now as you may irreparably damage the relationship with your in-laws otherwise.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course you're grieving and they should be more sensitive but they're not living in your world or your head.

I would politely say that you aren't in the right place at the moment to be thinking about holidays. You don't need to be angry at them...you're just channelling your upset and energy that way as they're an outlet. You should be clear that you're grieving and your priority is to be available for your sister whenever she needs you for the foreseeable. They can't possibly have felt the loss of a child, or seen someone experiencing this if they don't understand the depth of emotion and responsibility (for your sister) that you're feeling. People really don't understand it unless they have been through similar. I would also probably add that you don't know if or when you will go away this year so it's probably best to get on with making their own plans. Could they take your children and you stay behind if you feel you need or want to when it comes to it? Find a way to take the pressure off this and tell you husband in no uncertain terms that you expect him to protect you from their insensitivity.

These people are utter shits, definitely do not go to CP with them.

How dare they suggest your bereaved sister do a charity walk of 2000 steps a day in January, she lost her baby on Christmas Day FFS.

There are no words for what utter scum these people are.

Please do not engage with them, just ignore them. Tell DH he can go on CP with them but you will not be going.

I think they’re trying albeit clumsily. Maybe DH could have a word and say at the moment could they just message him. Also could they maybe look after your DC to let you have more time with your sister.

Im sorry for your loss and all the families. X

All of which is perfectly understandable.

They really aren't being shit.

Lots of bereaved parents do throw themselves into charity work, or set up their own charities as that's what helps them to get through the intensity of the initial grief it can give them something positive to focus on.

It certainly wasn't something I was up to, but its not a terrible suggestion.

She lost her baby on Christmas Day! No one with half a brain would suggest a recently bereaved mum walk 2000 steps a day in January for charity. It's a fucking terrible suggestion. She's not in a position to throw herself into anything.

Read the bloody room, they’re definitely being insensitive about the terrible heartbreaking tragedy that has happened.
I can’t imagine how distraught your family is, your poor sister. 💐