In laws being so insensitive after the death of my newborn nephew

[McFool]

NC’d for this

My newborn nephew died at a few hours old on Christmas Day. He was my sister’s first child and it was completely unexpected. I’m very close to my sister and this has been absolutely devastating, and a really difficult few weeks. My focus right now is on supporting her and trying to juggle that with work, looking after kids etc. I’ve been making sure they get fed, liaising with the professionals, talking to family for them, looking for funeral care etc to make life a bit less shit for them. it’s been tough and basically everything that is not about my sister and her DH has been completely sidelined.

On Boxing Day DH told my ILs what happened and I got messages but along the lines of “Your poor sister! Hope everyone is OK”. I know some people are really shit when it comes to grief so I just replied thanking them and saying no everyone isn’t ok we are heartbroken but I appreciate the message.

This week they have sent more messages, with a fundraiser for a baby loss charity about running 2k a day in January and “Maybe you and your sister could do this, try and raise some money”. I replied to say my sister can’t even get out of bed let alone go for a run! No reply, just a heart reaction. They are now pestering me and DH to choose some dates for a Center Parcs holiday we normally go on with them at Easter.

AIBU this goes beyond not understanding grief, and it’s utterly insensitive. These are adults, you don’t have to experience loss to know the encrusting pain it must cause someone. I’ve told DH I’m not going to Center Parcs as right now I’m feeling pretty unforgiving. I honestly feel like I’d be happy never seeing them again.

Or do I need to get out my grief fog? We lost our dad a few Christmases ago and I know looking back I didn’t behave reasonably around that time!

They sent you the charity link, not your sister. They clearly (and, in my opinion, rightly) expected you not to be grieving as much as your sister. It’s the same with the Easter holiday. Your sister has faced the loss, not you. You shouldn’t be putting your entire life on hold for a grief that your sister will have forever & you likely will move on from far too soon.

I say this as a bereaved parent by the way. It felt like my siblings were showing off or competing in their grief against me but of course pretty soon I was expected to move on like they did. Something I couldn’t do because it was MY baby that died.

So I would just say let your sister grieve, don’t takeover anything she should be leading (calling funeral directors isn’t something you should be leading with - your sister should contact them when she’s ready) & just focus on your own life for a bit.

Maybe they didn’t think through the logistics of the fundraising, but just saw something that they thought might help find something good out of an awful situation.

If they are normally reasonable people I would just pass communication to DH for now.

All these gobshites saying they're not being insensitive are unreal..yes they are..this woman's life has been turned upside down..grief is horrific for some people and their families..I've been there..could barely function for 18 months..I don't know how I kept my kids alive but I did on autopilot..did I want to talk to people..NO..go or plant breaks God god NO..should other people have understood this..YES..people do not care anymore unless it's about them..Girl you grieve and help your sister and when you're ready then and then only do stuff with your in-laws but your DH needs to tell them to back off until you're ready,So sorry for the loss of your nephew and in time I hope your family heals 💔💔❤️❤️

You are, kindly, very unreasonable. It's understandable, but you are.

The worst thing people do is ignore and stay silent - they are trying. It might be a bit clumsy, and feel insensitive to you, but it would be the right thing for others.

There's no right or wrong to approach people.

They probably tried one clumsy sentence for fear of going overboard or sounding insincere.

When my own sister lost her baby who was 6 hours old, they left straight after the funeral a week later - it was rushed because it was a baby, and they went travelling for a year. That's how they coped. She wouldn't have survived if she'd stayed home. Everyone is different.

Just ask your DH to tell them you don't want people to contact you, it's family, he can just tell them that. If it's a request, it's not the same as acting like they are ignoring you

They sound thick but they don’t sound like bad people.

Hi OP. I am so, so sorry for your family’s grief. You are not unreasonable.

I am not terribly surprised at the voting on here though My 24 year old beloved daughter died on 29 October entirely unexpectedly and I am demented with grief. I posted on here on New Year’s Day asking if was unreasonable to be surprised that 6 friends sent me Happy New Year messages on NYE (3 of them with litttle banners attached). Quite a lot of posters - gently mostly - told me I was unreasonable and that people either didn’t know what to say, or didn’t mean any harm, or it was better than leaving me out. One even suggested that since my DH and I and our other children had gone abroad to escape the UK at Christmas people might have assumed I was feeling better now! Um no. I booked the trip to assist with my active suicidal ideation at the thought of enduring Christmas without my daughter.

So in answer to your question. You are not at all unreasonable, but many people will lack the common sense or empathy to see it.

Love and sincere condolences to you and your sister and family.

I'm so sorry for your loss, it always hard whenever it happens but for it to be unexpected and at Christmas it will be hard. It sounds like your ILs don't understand the situation at all. I would "handover" comms to your DH - ask him to interact with them more as you don't really want to have cross words and break the relationship with them, but neither are you in the right place to talk about holidays etc. Then just ignore them until you feel you might be a bit better and you can take up the relationship with them again.

I agree with this - I was trying to write a post about this and kept having to delete because it sounded insensitive. OP doesn't say the loss was at term - if it wasn't (and, as you say, maybe even if it was) the ILs may not have any sense of the physical recovery.

They “expected you not to be grieving as much as your sister”.

That is a really simple way of thinking and it’s just not right. The reality of human familial relationships is much more nuanced. Her sister’s grief and pain is hers: she is upset and grieving with her sister, to whom she’s very close.

Why do people assume and attempt to quantify what is an acceptable level of grief in such a circumstance? It’s completely insensitive and crass.

I don't know why people are acting like the only two options available to the in laws were 'say nothing at all' or 'say something deeply insensitive'. All of this 'better they said something than that they just ignored you' is nonsense because they could quite easily just express how sorry they are and not further add to the grief with intensely stupid comments.

Good grief.

I know if I’d suggested a bereaved parent should do a charity run my late mother would have had some very choice things to say to me.

In my book it’s appalling. OP’s DH needs to talk to his mother.

We are often told that some well-meant words are better than no words in a grief situation - and that is true.

Text messages and emojis are always going to seem inadequate when a hug or kindly hand on the shoulder would be the case face to face.

Your in-laws are trying - perhaps they do not appreciate how close you are to your sister. It can be difficult to find the right words.

If they had sent the charity link to her, that would have been insensitive. It seems like they are trying to see how some good might come out of a horrid situation. And as a pp said above, it’s not insensitive to think you would still like to go on holiday in April. It’s your sister’s baby that has died, not yours, and you still need to live your lives as a family (while fully supporting her, of course).

it’s best just to take a deep breath and acknowledge that you’re angry which is really understandable. You sort of want to lash out and find fault. I’m in the middle of a serious illness diagnosis and was uncharacteristically raging about a text I got from someone close , I showed it to my kids and sibling and they couldn’t really see the harm so I’m glad I didn’t react as I’d have regretted it later. So sorry about your loss.

She’s the aunt not the mother. I don’t see why anyone, much less her inlaws, need to give her more support than they did. I don’t even think the charity link is wrong because it was sent to OP not her sister. Yes it’s shit but as someone who lost a baby myself OP will be moving on from this within months while her sister will have an endless weight on her shoulders.

I think the holiday part is insensitive. I think they are trying but clumsily. I think you need space and to support your sister and this is all very raw.

I'm so very sorry, how unbelievably tragic. You're angry, it's understandable. Not only are you suffering the loss of your nephew, but you're devastated for your sister. Your in laws, like most people in these circumstances, have not got a clue what to say, or do for the best. And there's nothing.

What was your nephew's name, if you don't mind sharing?

So sorry for your loss but honestly I do think whilst clumsy, your in-laws have done nothing wrong. Your baby hasn't died, so they like everyone will obviously assume whilst grieving it is nothing like losing your own child.

I assume they don't know your sister so are just passing on condolences for in theory a stranger and then carrying on with their lives. Whilst I wouldn't send the walking thing, it would not occur to me that a holiday to Center Parcs with grandchildren would not happen because of a bereavement in the wider family.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine.

I had some comments that upset me when I lost my Dad suddenly. People who are generally not very tactful are probably forgiven more when it doesn't matter but at a time like this it is so raw, it's just too hard.

Step back from them. It will pass. Let your husband deal with them.

I have to say I have thought less of some people when I lost my Dad and how they behaved. That applies to mainly colleagues and people I don't generally have to bother much with.

One close friend said something so tactless I couldn't reply but I couldn't even tell you what it was now. I think she's just made differently to me. She did mean well.

I think their comments aren't important right now. Try and shrug them off and focus on you and your family. But if you need to feel angry, that's valid.

The stages of grief are not linear.

They didn't suggest it to a bereaved parent.

Maybe they wanted to suggest it to op, but didn't want op to think they had forgotten about her sister so just added her in too. Their motivations were obviously in the right place.

I do agree that all communications should go through ops dh from here on in though as op is obviously upset by them.

I'm so sorry for your and your sister's loss, OP.

I had a stillbirth. Nothing anyone said or did was ever right in the early stages of grief, regardless of how well-meant it was, but I was just as angry with people who didn't say anything at all. There's really nothing that anyone can do or say that will help when you experience a profound loss.

I am so very very sorry to read about your daughter. I understand how you would feel about happy new year greetings. They could have maybe written something more personal like ‘I’m thinking of you as we move into 2026’ just to not leave you out ( but I’m sure that would be the least of your worries) So sorry about your loss, sending you best wishes and strength.

Death is something we spend most of our lives avoiding talking about. People just don’t know what to say half the time and they probably just don’t know how to navigate it. I doubt they are being deliberately insensitive. It’s hard to know how to deal with death, especially when it is a new born and not everyone gets it right.

Your DH needs to step up really to 'manage' his parents at this time, it's not fair on you to have to field their clumsy attempts to 'take your mind of things', as it really isn't helping you, and he needs to be the one to talk to them about stuff you have zero interest in right now.

My FIL is a bit like this with other people's grief, would prefer to pretend it isn't happening, I found it really jarring at the time, as if he was sweeping it under the carpet, and minimising my feelings, but knowing him as I know now, it wasn't intentional to undermine me, he just honestly can't deal with it or cope with death at all, he's a genuinely nice person, but I did have to remove myself from his presence for a while as I wanted to punch him to be honest.

With regards to the holiday, it is perfectly natural for them to be thinking about it and especially booking it as it is something that probably needs booking now to secure it. But again, I'd let your DH deal with it, let him agree to it and if you don't want to go when the time comes around then don't go.

I agree. I do not think they are being insensitive, they are doing their best. Our best is often inadequate at such times.

I remember some years ago a colleague's wife lost a baby, they were heartbroken. He came to me and was incensed because some poor, young girl had come up to him in the corridor, quite upset because she had just heard, and said to him, "Is it true?". She meant no harm, didn't know what to say.

Sometimes it's best to say nothing, just send a card with something nice written in it, saying you are sorry and feel for the person or people. Then leave it.

Regarding the Center Parcs holiday, I get that it's too soon for you to be thinking of that but such things do have to be booked in advance and you will feel better in a while, you really will. I'm sure your in-laws were debating amongst themselves whether to mention it. Honestly, nobody knows what to do or say when something like this happens.

You are great with all you are doing to help and I am truly sorry about the death of your little nephew, that is so tragic and heartbreaking, bless his heart. He was certainly well loved. x

It is indeed. Grief is terrible and it makes people behave in uncharacteristic ways.

However, I wouldn't minimise the in-laws' behaviour as not being all that bad. Dropping one clanger - the 'hope you are all okay' message is one I could probably have overlooked. To follow that up with the fundraiser message is nothing short of crassly insensitive and I don't blame you, OP, for being upset.

Your feelings are not less valid because you are grieving. The reverse is true. Unfortunately, in my own experience the people who are there for you at the hardest times of your life, when you are bereaved and grieving, are not necessarily the people you expect. I suffered a loss that devastated me four years into my relationship and I'm afraid to say my relationship with my in-laws has never recovered. I saw them in that moment as they really were, and couldn't later unsee it.

I'm so sorry @McFool to you and your sister for the death of your beautiful nephew. Please allow yourself all the time and space you need to grieve, and surround yourself with the people who love and support you. It's the least you are entitled to expect.