In laws being so insensitive after the death of my newborn nephew

[McFool]

NC’d for this

My newborn nephew died at a few hours old on Christmas Day. He was my sister’s first child and it was completely unexpected. I’m very close to my sister and this has been absolutely devastating, and a really difficult few weeks. My focus right now is on supporting her and trying to juggle that with work, looking after kids etc. I’ve been making sure they get fed, liaising with the professionals, talking to family for them, looking for funeral care etc to make life a bit less shit for them. it’s been tough and basically everything that is not about my sister and her DH has been completely sidelined.

On Boxing Day DH told my ILs what happened and I got messages but along the lines of “Your poor sister! Hope everyone is OK”. I know some people are really shit when it comes to grief so I just replied thanking them and saying no everyone isn’t ok we are heartbroken but I appreciate the message.

This week they have sent more messages, with a fundraiser for a baby loss charity about running 2k a day in January and “Maybe you and your sister could do this, try and raise some money”. I replied to say my sister can’t even get out of bed let alone go for a run! No reply, just a heart reaction. They are now pestering me and DH to choose some dates for a Center Parcs holiday we normally go on with them at Easter.

AIBU this goes beyond not understanding grief, and it’s utterly insensitive. These are adults, you don’t have to experience loss to know the encrusting pain it must cause someone. I’ve told DH I’m not going to Center Parcs as right now I’m feeling pretty unforgiving. I honestly feel like I’d be happy never seeing them again.

Or do I need to get out my grief fog? We lost our dad a few Christmases ago and I know looking back I didn’t behave reasonably around that time!

I think you are directing your anger in the wrong direction. Yes they were a bit clumsy in their efforts at condolences, but at least they are trying.
Cut them a bit of slack, is my opinion.

I am so very sorry - what a horrific loss for you all.

No, YANBU - your in laws are being crushingly insensitive. I cannot imagine telling a newly grieving mother and aunt that they should be considering a fundraising run not even a month after the death of a newborn. It beggars belief.

I'm glad your sister has your support in this terrible grief, and I wish all the best for you both as you chart this course.

As I say, I have been in this community for a long time. I've known numerous parents sign up for things or start up their own charities the day after their child died. It's not unusual.

It may not be for ops sister, which is absolutely fair enough, but calling someone scum for sending a link is a bit much.

They don't sound so bad. They care, the charity suggestion was obviously way to soon, your sister has just given birth so 2k a day isn't at all on regardless but it does show they were thinking of you.

If you have kids then they also know your family life must go on whilst you support your sister in her loss maybe they wanted the dates so they could just get on and organise it for you?

I’d feel the same as you OP. We would all be beyond devastated. My heart would be broken. Fuck them and their charity runs. They’ve shown you who they are. Sending love xx

They’re not being insensitive. They are doing their best; it’s not what you want at the moment but it’s not as if they are ignoring you or saying outright hurtful things. I’m afraid YABU. At worst they are making misjudgements, but we all do that sometimes.

Some people might find a purpose in fundraising for a baby loss charity, some people wouldn’t. So I don’t think they are being insensitive.

They didn't just share a link.

The baby died on Christmas Day.

OP's sister is post-partum without a baby.

The in laws messaged within 10 days of baby's death suggesting the poor mum fundraise 'maybe try and raise some money' by RUNNING 2k a day in January.

In what kind of fucked up world is that suggestion even remotely ok?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious nephew. You and your sister and her family have had a severely traumatic loss which has devastated you all. I'm not surprised that your feelings are all over the place.

Your inlaws' initial message seems to me to be appropriate as a courteous expression of condolence. It doesn't go beyond that to actual warm support but perhaps your inlaws don't feel that they have an the kind of relationship with you and your sister that would make it appropriate to attempt that. They may feel it intrusive, depending on how you normally interact.

The subsequent message about the fundraiser seems inept but kindly meant. Probably intended just as a way of saying that they are thinking of you and keeping your loss in mind.

The messages about Centreparcs are inappropriate, but don't seem to me to justify the level of anger that you are feeling. I think you (or your DH) need to respond frankly, but not angrily, to that, stating clearly that you are completely devastated and are simply not in a place to think about holidays.

I think it is fair enough to feel hurt about the lack of a warmer and deeper response from your inlaws. But they have been considerate and have attempted to respond appropriately within the limits of how they conceive of their role.

I know from my own experience of a traumatic bereavement that it can produce a deep anger combined with a pervasive sense of confusion. For me, at any rate, that provoked weird spasms of silent fury at people who hadn't really done anything wrong. I do think that - possibly- this type of natural free-floating rage has settled on your inlaws and caused you to perceive their actions as being worse than they are.

That's ok of course. It is all part of grief. But it might be wise not to voice that enlarged anger when interacting with your inlaws.

@BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneysmy local baby loss charity was founded about two weeks after the couples stillbirth. They’ve done absolutely incredible work, and it’s still going strong and has benefited so many people. And I think they see it as their daughter’s legacy.

I remember when.i was about 13, one of my school friends mum died.
When she came back to school not one of us, in the friendship group said a word of condolence, as young teenagers we had no idea what to say, we were probably scared of upsetting her.
This is over 50 years ago and I still think occasionally, that we should have at least said we were sorry for her loss.
I still feel bad about it, when it creeps into my head x

Ridiculous over-reaction.

This week they have sent more messages, with a fundraiser for a baby loss charity about running 2k a day in January and “Maybe you and your sister could do this, try and raise some money”. I replied to say my sister can’t even get out of bed let alone go for a run!

Fuck me, they're insensitive bastards.
I'd ignore the ILs completely for a while. Let your DH deal with them - and he can tell them to shove CP where the sun doesn't shine while he's at it.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, OP.

They really haven’t been insensitive, this is your grief talking.

If they sent a ‘better’ text saying: “So sorry to your sister, we’re thinking of her and nephew”, you’d likely be annoyed that they were texting you and you wouldn’t want to hear from them.

If they didn’t send a text, they’d be seen as callous.

They’ve suggested a charity run to you (not your sister directly). Some people need distraction and a goal to motivate them. You said none of you are ready for that. So no issue.

They've asked about the holiday because ultimately they need to know, unless it’s being cancelled.

It’s hard, ILs are getting on your nerves. But this is a reaction to grief and wanting to blame someone or something. You’ve said as much anyway, but it will ease over time

Condolences to the family, it must be extremely hard, and on Christmas too.

In the kind of world where people aren't perfect.

They have thought about op and ops sister, obviously know the family is going through hell, and suggested something to potentially focus on, and many, many bereaved parents do want something to focus on.

They missed the mark, but they aren't shits and scum.

I think it partly depends on your prior relationship with them - if you know them to be kind people, then I’d assume that this, whilst maybe clumsy and misguided, is not coming from a place of unkindness.
I think that when someone close to you dies, you very quickly learn that some people are very bad at knowing how to talk to you (and you maybe realise that in the past, you’ve not been great at it either). That doesn’t necessarily make them bad people.

Im so sorry for your sisters loss op its a horrific situation.

I think if your in laws had not said anything you would also be angry.

We all know that people do avoid those who are grieving because they dont kmow what to say

Your in laws tried . It was clumsy and wrong footed but they tried to show they care

You are massively over reacting but I totally understand why.

Most people simply have no idea what to say.

I think its also normal.but clumsy that they are still trying to plan their own family holidays. Just let your dh take the kids and you have a break if you are not feeling up to it at the time. Think no more about it

Don't let your anger destroy your relationship with your in-laws. Adding more upset is not going to help anyone, and would just make your sister feel guilty. There last thing she needs is for her loss to be behind a family rift.

Your in-laws have been slightly clumsy. It happens. We all get things wrong sometimes. When my husband was dying, and after his death, a few people said clumsy things to me. But had they tried to avoid an awkward conversation and been silent or stayed away, that would have hurt too. And I was aware that I hadn't always got things right with bereaved friends in the past.

I'm so sorry for your sister's tragedy and your family's loss, but please try to keep your in-laws' behaviour in perspective.

As for the holiday, leave your DH in on charge of that, and just redirect them to him. And don't decide now that you're not going. It's months away and you're not the only person that it would affect. You might be at the stage where you need a break by that point.

Oh give over. It was misjudged. That doesn't make them scum...

@dollymylove my friends sister died in a really awful way when i was about 18 and none of us knew how to mention it . So we didn't

I also still sometimes remember thst with total shame and horror

Better to try and get it wrong I think otherwise nobody would ever try

I’m so sorry for you and your family’s loss. What a terrible thing to happen.

I fully believe they are being very insensitive and I would be furious.

tell your DH to handle all communication for the time being and don’t even think about centreparcs.

I bet that couple decided to do that themselves though. And not because some randoms suggested they run 2k a day 10 days after being post partum and after loss of a baby.

There is no right thing anyone can say that will make any difference. But your family love you and are trying to reach out. Everyone in the family must be devastated at such a tragic loss. Cut them some slack.

I have to disagree here. These people are not scum or utter shits. They have been crass and unthinking maybe.

With kindness, I do think you are being a little unreasonable

However, loss and grief and love are complicated and unreasonable things. Whilst I don't think your in laws are trying to be insensitive or unkind at all, or that their suggestion about a fundraiser was inappropriate or their wanting to discuss holiday plans is utterly insensitive, I can see easily enough how it might feel that way for you.

I am so terribly sorry for your sister.