In laws being so insensitive after the death of my newborn nephew

[McFool]

NC’d for this

My newborn nephew died at a few hours old on Christmas Day. He was my sister’s first child and it was completely unexpected. I’m very close to my sister and this has been absolutely devastating, and a really difficult few weeks. My focus right now is on supporting her and trying to juggle that with work, looking after kids etc. I’ve been making sure they get fed, liaising with the professionals, talking to family for them, looking for funeral care etc to make life a bit less shit for them. it’s been tough and basically everything that is not about my sister and her DH has been completely sidelined.

On Boxing Day DH told my ILs what happened and I got messages but along the lines of “Your poor sister! Hope everyone is OK”. I know some people are really shit when it comes to grief so I just replied thanking them and saying no everyone isn’t ok we are heartbroken but I appreciate the message.

This week they have sent more messages, with a fundraiser for a baby loss charity about running 2k a day in January and “Maybe you and your sister could do this, try and raise some money”. I replied to say my sister can’t even get out of bed let alone go for a run! No reply, just a heart reaction. They are now pestering me and DH to choose some dates for a Center Parcs holiday we normally go on with them at Easter.

AIBU this goes beyond not understanding grief, and it’s utterly insensitive. These are adults, you don’t have to experience loss to know the encrusting pain it must cause someone. I’ve told DH I’m not going to Center Parcs as right now I’m feeling pretty unforgiving. I honestly feel like I’d be happy never seeing them again.

Or do I need to get out my grief fog? We lost our dad a few Christmases ago and I know looking back I didn’t behave reasonably around that time!

Im so sorry for your family's loss.
Many people understand some of what you are your family are experiencing in grief, many have no clue and say the most inappropriate and hurtful things due to an inability to comprehend the magnitude.
i was advised (by some one who had experienced profound loss)when i was grief stricken, that some will say the "wrong" thing and it will hurt you, but be thankful that they have no clue because you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.
You have had what amounts to a catastrophic nuclear explosion in your familys life and someone is suggesting a run,some charity work and a holiday! No wonder you feel exasperated and angry.
Also know that the anger that sometimes comes with such a devastating loss needs to find an outlet and the insensitive often are the target.
Perhaps, a polite message asking for them to respect your space to grieve may help.
I understand your sentiments and your feelings are understandable.
Many people reading this will identify and my thoughts are wish you all.
Look after yourself and your family, especially your sister.

This feels like a massive over reaction - it feels to me like they mean well but just haven’t expressed themselves in the right way.

Is not say that makes them scum personally.

OP it’s totally ok to being reasonable right now. You take care of your family and your sisters and let your DB take care of the in laws for now.

Im So sorry for your family’s loss x x

How absolutely devastating💔 And can I just say what a great sister you are. Not everyone has that support and she will remember what you did for her forever.

Fuck them and their charity runs.

💯

Utterly ridiculous.

I think this is way too harsh. I doubt they were intentionally upsetting but as someone said clumsy. They are trying to help just not getting g it right.

I honestly feel like I’d be happy never seeing them again.

This comes from deep grief, but is also really irrational.They don't deserve that. When you begin to climb out of this well of grief and worry about your sister, you will recognise that. So please don't say or do anything that can't be undone.

For now, simply ask your husband to tell them to message him rather than you, as you're struggling to find the headspace to manage other people's needs.

I think that in the thick of someone else's grief the people watching from the sidelines just want to do something, anything to try and help.

Often this comes across to the bereaved as being exactly the opposite but FWIW I think the fun run comment was horribly clumsy and misplaced but the intentions behind it were probably good. And the same with the CP trip. They possibly feel that it's given you a slice of "normality" back. Of course you know that won't be the case but they don't.

I wouldn't burn any bridges that can't be rebuilt at this stage. Ask your DH to get them to quieten down and avoid them until you feel ready. 💐.

I also think cut them some slack, they are trying clumsily to help, and it’s clear their hearts are in the right place, they maybe don’t understand also how impacted you are personally.

It's totally understandable that you are angry at the world. And at everyone in it.

Your inlaws haven't handled things in the way that works for you, but they don't sound nasty, they're just trying to do something. Sometimes when you try that it works and sometimes it doesn't.

I do think it’s better sometimes for people to just say nothing than the wrong thing, and I know I’m not myself right now

This is why it's so hard for people because when I lost my baby I can tell you that the silence from people who didn't know what to say was awful.

There are still some people I see, more than 20 years later, and the "you couldn't say anything at all? Not a word?" pops into my head.

I remember the well meaning, but ultimately not right for me comments and suggestions very fondly now. Those people tried. They meant well and they tried to help at the worst moment of my life

So very sorry to hear this, OP. Can I ask if your ILs usually irritate you? Mine do, and I know when I’ve been very upset about something in the past, anything they said would set the rage off. I think it’s because it usually takes me quite a bit of energy to tolerate them, and in these very upsetting situations I had zero energy left to be “nice”. I wonder if this resonates.

Lots of love to you and your sister 💐

Agreed.

My sense is that you are being a little unreasonable, but that’s completely OK because no one expects you to be reasonable when you are grieving. Also anger is a perfectly normal reaction.

But it may be helpful to acknowledge that your unlaws aren’t bad people, they just aren’t offering what you need right now.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs to your sister, her family and you.

You're angry, they can't do right for wrong.

@McFool I don't think they're been unreasonable but I just want to say how lucky your sister is to have you at this time, you'll be making such a difference in her life by being there for her. I didn't have anyone when I lost my daughter unexpectedly in pregnancy and only had people around me like your in laws so trust me she'll appreciate everything you're doing for her 💐

You are taking things the wrong way,
My husband’s x wife did walk for charity after their baby died everyone processes things differently, she was eager to get on with life.

Reading chat forums, social media etc, I have seen quite a few where families have suffered a terrible loss turn to charity fundraising, perhaps to feel.they are doing something tangible to try and help others and maybe feel they are doing something that can help others who have suffered greatly.
It does seem a bit insensitive of the ILs to mention it but they possibly think, that sometime in the future, they might want to commemorate their baby so they are not forgotten.
I wouldn't call someone scum for having those thoughts

There are still some people I see, more than 20 years later, and the "you couldn't say anything at all? Not a word?" pops into my head.

I remember the well meaning, but ultimately not right for me comments and suggestions very fondly now. Those people tried. They meant well and they tried to help at the worst moment of my life.

This is so true IMO.
When my dad died the window cleaner went out of his way to tell me how sorry he was, whereas a couple of people who had known me nearly my whole life never ever mentioned it. Or even asked me how I was. I honestly don't think I'll be able to ever look at them in the same way again.

💐 For you @MannersAreAll .

Okay the run suggestion was not great but I really can’t see why you are so angry and upset about the messages. What would you deem an appropriate reaction to this horrible news? As for the holiday, they probably need to book that and they can’t put it on hold forever. It’s horrible for your sister but I don’t see why you feel they have offended you to such an extent. When would it be appropriate for them to ask you things about holidays or future plans?

I think they are trying but not getting it quite right. The fundraising suggestion wasn't right for now, but I think well meant. Perhaps I am also horribly insensitive but I can't see why they wouldn't contact you about an annual holiday due in Easter - you say you're thinking about not going in anger, but if you have any intention of going then you do need to pick and book dates so surely they did need to contact you on this?

I'm sorry for your sister and for you too.

Try to remember that the inlaws aren't doing this specifically to annoy or upset you (unless they have form for arseholery). They probably fall into the category of people wanting to help but being crap at saying the right thing.

I do understand your annoyance and upset about the fundraiser though. That really was rather crass of them.

Ask your husband to tell them not to message you for a while and let him deal with their mundane trivialities.

I’m really sorry about your nephew that’s heartbreaking

re your ILs I think some people just don’t know when it’s best to say nothing and end up coming across a bit crass and tactless even when they don’t mean to.

Like alot of people on here I also think they care but I think they are being clumsy and do not have understanding of the loss of a baby and those horrific early stages of stepping into grief.
And you (understandably) are looking at them and glowering with rage. You are grueling, you are protecting your sister.

I am so sorry for your sister. She must feel utterly lost, bewildered and furious. The heartache of being a mummy without a baby is indescribable. I hope there's good support wrapped round you all.

I'm so sorry for your loss @McFool , it must have been such a tough time for you all.

A lot of people really don't know what to say or do when someone is in the midst of loss and grieving. People often say things or suggest things because they think what worked for them or others they've known go through loss will work for others, and they have no other point of reference. It doesn't sound like they are trying to be horrible or insensitive, but I understand why what they are saying is landing badly. It's hard, I know, because the wrong thing being said can make you feel like nobody gets what you're going through and it adds to the loneliness of it, and you can end up feeling like you'd rather nobody even tried than said stupid, inane stuff. But most people do in their own way intend to be kind and say things they hope might convey that they care about what you're going through. I wouldn't assume any malice, rather clumsiness or perhaps just a different frame of reference for how they might deal with loss themselves.

Nonetheless, you also don't need to take on the task of responding to their likely well meant but poorly timed suggestions - leave that to DH and focus on supporting your sister and her family. I wouldn't be rushing to visit them either if you feel that it may expose you to more comments that however kindly meant may upset you and hurt your already very bruised emotions at such a difficult time.

I think it is a little insensitive, of course your sister doesn’t want to do any charity stuff this soon. Next January maybe. But also you won’t be reacting the best at the moment so maybe just let your DH deal with.

For what it’s worth, we went through the same with my niece a few years back so I do know how you feel. We now do a charity thing every year in her honour but it was the following year we started it not the following week! I completely lost my shit at my DH the week after her death, was largely unreasonable but it happens because you are grieving. Just steer clear of them for a little while.