In laws being so insensitive after the death of my newborn nephew

[McFool]

NC’d for this

My newborn nephew died at a few hours old on Christmas Day. He was my sister’s first child and it was completely unexpected. I’m very close to my sister and this has been absolutely devastating, and a really difficult few weeks. My focus right now is on supporting her and trying to juggle that with work, looking after kids etc. I’ve been making sure they get fed, liaising with the professionals, talking to family for them, looking for funeral care etc to make life a bit less shit for them. it’s been tough and basically everything that is not about my sister and her DH has been completely sidelined.

On Boxing Day DH told my ILs what happened and I got messages but along the lines of “Your poor sister! Hope everyone is OK”. I know some people are really shit when it comes to grief so I just replied thanking them and saying no everyone isn’t ok we are heartbroken but I appreciate the message.

This week they have sent more messages, with a fundraiser for a baby loss charity about running 2k a day in January and “Maybe you and your sister could do this, try and raise some money”. I replied to say my sister can’t even get out of bed let alone go for a run! No reply, just a heart reaction. They are now pestering me and DH to choose some dates for a Center Parcs holiday we normally go on with them at Easter.

AIBU this goes beyond not understanding grief, and it’s utterly insensitive. These are adults, you don’t have to experience loss to know the encrusting pain it must cause someone. I’ve told DH I’m not going to Center Parcs as right now I’m feeling pretty unforgiving. I honestly feel like I’d be happy never seeing them again.

Or do I need to get out my grief fog? We lost our dad a few Christmases ago and I know looking back I didn’t behave reasonably around that time!

In a situation like this, people often struggle to know what to say. not excusing them in any way, but for you, you are involved but they are only the outside trying to do and say the right things. I am sure the marathon was just
trying to suggest something to go towards research for these poor babies.
as for the holiday they probably realise booking needs doing early and think that maybe you do and will need a break before you breakdown
sending love to you all losing a baby is tough expected or unexpected xx

Firstly Op I am heartily sorry to your Sister and BIL and indeed to you and the rest of the family for your loss.
🧸 For your beautiful Nephew.

However their intentions may not to be insensitive, but I’d say prattling on about Easter Holidays and center parcs when a child has just passed away I’d say is pretty damn insensitive.

I think they are unintentionally being a little insensitive.

It is well known that people grieve in different ways. Some people lock themselves away from the world, some drink or take drugs to cope, some try and channel their grief into doing something positive. There is no correct way to grieve.

I think they are probably just suggesting things that they think they would do if they were in your/your sister’s position. That’s probably they way they would see themselves coping.

Losing loved ones can all take on a different type of grief too. Age, accident, illness etc all give grief a slightly different edge.

Losing an elderly grandparent, parent or other loved one is light years away from losing a newborn child, and if they haven’t experienced that before they might not be able to put themselves in your shoes and can only base their reference of grief from what they have personally experienced.

Edited to say I am so sorry for your family’s loss. I can’t imagine the pain.

They sound clumsy, but well-meaning.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your nephew. There are no words to adequately express that, truly.

I well remember the blind rage of grief - mine was different circumstances but I was widowed about ten years ago. I'm not comparing that to the loss of a newborn baby.

The sense that your world has changed forever while the world also keeps turning, and it's all just so unfair. I remember refusing to see a friend of the family for years as she'd tried to empathise with how hard it is being a single mum... her circumstances were very different to mine and it landed very badly with me.

My advice? Let your husband 'field' them and don't see them until you are ready.

They are trying, in their own way. At least they are trying. They just do not understand.

Let your DH run interference. You aren't in the headspace to deal with them, and you are understandably full of rage at a cruel and unfair world.

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. Your poor sister must be beside herself.

My in-laws were crass and absolutely the worst thing for me when I had a bereavement. They reacted in th opposite way to me, which isn't wrong, it was just nothing I could handle. It took me a long while to see it was my hurt and rage looking for somewhere to land, and that they had meant well.

I think the charity suggestion was probably really well intended, even if a bit misplaced.

They tried to suggest something connected to what happened. They also suggested something entirely unconnected. Kindly, it sounds like whatever approach they took might feel wrong.

Would it be best to say nothing, though? I suspect the OP would find that really hurtful. They were trying to show they were thinking of her and her sister, albeit clumsily.

I think they were trying to show you they were thinking of you, I’m so sorry for your loss.

Stunned at these responses. I had a similar experience with my manager and those at work after my brother in law died a sudden, untimely death. It was an atrociously shitty time for my husband and me and they handled the whole thing abominably.

Cut them some slack, my arse. Get better at handling grief and bloody learn some sensitivity.

Agree with this

The unfortunate thing is if they said nothing you might be angry at their lack of support, or that they didn’t take your grief seriously and just brushed it off like it never happened.

I don’t think there is a right thing to say here. They offered sympathies and after some more time they reached out and offered something practical to do with your grief to create something positive. Of course it wasn’t the time for this, but they were trying to show you that they were still thinking of you and offering ways to help.

The situation is awful and I’m so sorry. But they haven’t done anything wrong or terribly insensitive. Certainly not deliberately.

Yeah, beyond “I’m really sorry” I guess

I'm surprised by the vote count.

I don't think YABU.

This is a terrible situation and I am so sorry for your loss.
I think in the short term your husband needs to be a buffer and filter things through to protect you while you care for your sister.
It might be helpful to explore what you hoped your PIL reaction might be. What if they had broken down sobbing, would that have felt right, or felt like they were making themselves the centre. What if they just said sorry for your loss and nothing else. Would you have felt abandoned? Or give peace and space? You will wither discover how you need to be cared for during grief, or you will discover that you are in pain and nothing would help right now. Wishing you all strength.

I think they may have been a bit ham fisted but people handle death very differently and this is not their loss . WRT the centerparcs booking , I assume that you have children and if that is what you normally do then you probably should book it , yes you are grieving and helping your sister but life has to go on for your own children however insensitive that seems at the moment.

They're not being insensitive. They're trying their best. Grief is really difficult to navigate for people outside of it, and it's not unreasonable to be thinking about booking an Easter holiday in January.

It is entirely reasonable for you to delegate that decision to your husband because you don't have the headspace or heart for it right now, but it isn't unreasonable of them to ask. Even in the context of the loss of your nephew - and I am so sorry that you and your family have suffered such a cruel and devastating loss. It sounds like you are being an amazing support to your sister, and that's difficult when you're carrying your own grief too, so I understand your irritation at anything that doesn't feel as 'big' as the weight you are all carrying - but I do think you need to cut your in-laws some slack.

OP you sound like a wonderful sister and I wish I'd had someone to rally round me like you have for your sister. I haven't experienced the same loss as your sister and your family have (because you are going through this loss as a family) but I've had my own baby and infertility loss and your support sounds amazing!

I think the first message was clumsily worded but probably coming from the right place.

However, I will disagree with most here and say the second example of expecting a post-partum, grieving mother to start running daily for charity is absurd. Your sister likely won't currently give a shit about a charity she should never have had to even think about.

Again, they probably thought they were being helpful but it's poorly judged.

It doesn't matter that they've suggested it to you and not your sister, they're underestimating the impact this loss has had on you. Don't fall out with them but just keep your distance for a while.

It's more than ok to not want to talk about or go to centre parcs!

Founded by whom? Because if it was by the bereaved couple choosing for themselves to do so then that is very different to a third party suggesting to newly bereaved parents that they should get out on their feet and start fundraising for charity.

@McFoolin what world does anyone send a postpartum mother information on running a marathon? Let alone a recently bereaved mother, a couple of weeks after birth/death. And to ‘hope everyone is ok?’ No, everyone is not ok, the baby has died.
Honestly, it makes me so cross.

as a parent who lost a daughter i can well understand the grief of your sister and family. It's heart breaking. I felt as tho the sun had fallen out the sky. Lifechanging and nothing will be quite the same again But life does go on and your in-laws are just trying their best for you by thinking of fundraiser and something that will give your sister to focus on at some point. Because she will need a focus to keep going , hard tho it will be. I think it's lovely they are being proactive and thinking of the family...so many people just disappear i find
I think they are sensible to mention the holiday at Easter...I assume you will be going and again the focus of that will be good for you too
Are you not very fond of your in-laws? Is that perhaps lurking at the back of all this
My heartfelt condolences to you all

I'm sorry for your family's loss.

You know you're not your normal self, so don't do or say anything irrevocable. Ask your DH to take on full responsibility for his family while you take on responsibility for yours. Leave all comms to him. Your DC will still have Easter holidays, your in laws still exist and will continue exist for years to come (hopefully). This is a moment of extreme and heightened emotion. It's a time for you to tighten your circle temporarily, not cut it loose.

What a dreadful loss, of a newborn baby. I'm so sorry for your sister and the baby's father.

This is incredibly heartbreaking for your sister and wider family. I imagine you don’t know where to put yourself.

I’ll be honest tho- I can’t see any harm in your in laws actions. I’m sure you can understand the sentiment of ‘I hope you’re all ok’.

The charity suggestion is not uncommon. I’m a critical care nurse and families often (very kindly) fund raise soon after tragedy has struck. It gives them focus and purpose.

The centre parcs suggestions will be trying to give you ‘something to look forward to’, clumsy but well meant.

Perhaps let your DH communicate with them. Greif is incredibly hard to navigate- it really sounds like they are trying their best.

💐

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It’s a very hard situation, you’re containing your emotions and taking care of your sister and her DH, it’s no doubt triggering difficult memories and emotions from losing your dad. At the same time, I think your ILs are trying to show their support and interest, which is probably better than going silent out of fear about what to say. They’ve been a bit clumsy and thoughtless - pretty obvious that a run in January is too soon, though maybe they didn’t see the date. I’d cut them some mental slack, if only to save yourself the emotional weight of it, and let your DP deal with them for the time being. Decide about CentreParcs later. Sorry for your family’s loss.

The difference being that the couple in your post chose to do that because it was what they needed to do. I doubt very much that only days after their loss, extended relatives sent them details of how to start up their own charity. I know that everyone deals with grief differently, but it has to be the way that’s right for them. And whether the OP’s inlaws are insensitive blithering idiots or the aforementioned scum, it’s never appropriate to start offering suggestions about how to deal with grief, unless your opinion is asked for. ‘Do you need anything?’, Is there anything I can do?’ Yes. ‘Have you thought about getting some sponsorship forms and doing a fun run?’ Most definitely not.

OP, I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t begin to imagine what you and your family are going through. I do know though, that everything you’re feeling is completely normal, including the anger. I think I would ask your DH to deal with his parents, including telling them that you are not up to thinking about holiday plans at the moment, so you’ll leave it for this year and try again next year. He should tell them to just direct everything to him, and he’ll let them know when you’re feeling up to normal communication but, for now, your only priority is your sister and her DH.

What's so hard about saying 'I am so very sorry for your loss. Please let us know if we can do anything for you'?

I'm honestly stunned by the responses on this thread because in my opinion you'd have to have the emotional intelligence of a swatted wasp to think it's your place to start suggesting to people suffering a horrific loss ways in which they could start fundraising or focusing on other things within literal days of the death of a baby.