To still be hurt that my DSis stole my baby name?

[Snowberryfields]

My DSis and I both had a baby last year and were roughly due at around the same time. I have had my heart set on a certain name for such a long time. It’s in the top 100 names but isn’t particularly common around my area. My sister knew this as I have made it pretty clear that I adored this name. You can guess what happened next. My sister gave birth a month before me and she used my name. Now, I know I don’t have ownership over a name but this really hurt to be honest. I didn’t immediately say anything to her as I know she had just given birth and didn’t upset her so soon after the delivery (along with being heavily pregnant myself at the time). But last week I did confront her and she said that I am being ‘ridiculous’ and it is just a name and I should get over myself. I called my child something else obviously. I feel horrible saying it but I still look at my child and imagine them with that name. Am I being unreasonable here?

This presumably isn't the first bit of sibling rivalry between you?
Traditionally cousins often had the same name because taken from a grandparent or other relative. You could have had two Alices (lovely name). But you didn't want to so don't let the rivalry spoil your DD's early years. She may grow into her name and love it.

There's no law against calling a baby the same name as a close relative. I know 2 cousins with the same first 'second and surname 😀 and many folk call their child after themselves or a grandparent
I dont see any issue with it

I don’t get this obsession over names, over not being able to have more than one person of the same name in a family/friendship group.

Nobody owns a name, and with the exception of if a baby with that name has died, and by that I mean an existing baby not an as yet unborn one, anyone who feels they have the right to put their foot down over a name is really ridiculous.

My mother's side of the family is HUGE - she had 8 sisters and a brother - and I have 3 cousins called Peter and 2 called Helen. Unaccountably, nobody was even remotely upset by this blatant name-theft, and it's not a problem because we just used to say Peter Smith/Boring Peter/Jane's Peter, or Mary's Helen/Mad Helen to avoid confusion.

She's an awful person, sorry op she behaved appallingly

This. Learning is to NEVER tell anyone your names, especially someone who is pregnant!!!
Your sister was really nasty - If she genuinely loved the name, she should at least brought it up with you before the birth, if she could see the issue coming. I would be surprised if this was an isolated incident (is she jealous of you), personally it would destroy my trust in her.

That being said, you now need to move on , for the sake of your own mental health, as it will now just eat away at you. I have a regret that I didn't fight harder for a certain name I had always loved and my husband didn't like, but I force myself not to think about it, and to remind myself of all the positives of the name we DID go with in the end.

Alice? Alice? Who the fuck is Alice? 😂

If it’s ’just a name’ then she would have left it for you to use OP. Most people IRL would think it’s a shitty thing to do, while also realising no one owns a name.

If you told her the name in advance and she never said anything, I find it incredibly weird (and outrageous, frankly) that she stole the name. If she had said at the time “oh god that’s my top name too” then fair enough, no one owns a name, but to say nothing and then steal the name? Insanity.

What did you choose instead? I bet it was a better name.

You could have had Alicia.

Yeah it was a dick move on her part. I always wonder why people broadcast the names they are planning for their kids, I'd keep it to myself because sure as eggs is eggs some mare of a relative or friend will get there first. If they come up with the name under their own steam then there's no issue

I certainly would not have given my own child a different name in your shoes. Not a chance. I'd have stuck with it and judging by her response to you she'd not have had a leg to stand on.

There are three Dans and two Williams in my family. No one cares. Just use the name you like

If it was a name I really wanted, I would have just named them that anyway and have a nickname on standby. There is always someone who may use the name you want whether you tell people or not and there is no guarantee that the name won’t be popular when they reach primary.

I grew up with cousins named after their fathers who had the same name and names were both common (think Matthew). We still called them by their names though and it didn’t cause confusion nor bother.

Understandable you were upset because she should have at least told you beforehand.

Completely unreasonable.

Just because you love that name does not mean she can't, just because you announced it does not mean she has to avoid it, just because she didn't announce it doesn't mean she was doing something wrong.

She picked the name she loved for her child, thats it... you have ZERO more rights to the name than her.

She has not stopped you naming your child or controlled what you do so you have no right to think she should have let you have input in her child's name. You could use the name you love but you CHOOSE not too, you cut your own nose off to spite your face not her.

Do people REALLY think anyone else names their kids with other people in mind? its between the parents only.

I choose my DS name as a kid, I loved it for 23 year and DH loved it too. I suffered 10 years of infertility, had a loss, did IVF... in that time TWO family members (one my side and one DH side) used my chosen name. Its not even a common name.

Was I mad? no, I had bigger shit to deal with on my own parenting journey.

Did I still use the name? yes, because that was MY child's name born or not and we had been using it to refer to our future child forever.

Has anyone ever given two shits that 3 family member have that name? nope, literally a complete non issue. Historically it was super common for families/cousins to share names, in many cultures it still is even among siblings.

I know if my family member had the audacity to confront me and claim I couldn't use my chosen name for MY child I would tell them very unpolitely exactly where to shove their unwanted opinion regardless of which of us gave birth or announced first.

I know it's too late, but honestly, in these situations, I'd still use the name I'd chosen. If she knew perfectly well that it was your chosen name and that you planned to use it, I would still use it. It's different if it was just a coincidence and you hadn't told anyone - but if she was fully in the knowledge that you planned to use that name, particularly given you were pregnant at the time so the child actually existed and was not hypothetical, I would have still used it.

Yeah, it makes for some funny moments at family gatherings, and you'd have had to come up with different nicknames probably to avoid confusion, but it's no different to naming a child after its father or grandad - there will still be two people with the same name.

And, if your sister had commented, all you'd have had to say was.. well I told you that was the name I was picking, he/she has been this name since I found out I was pregnant.

Ah op ,that must feel awful.
Not so much about the name ,but the fact your sister clearly hurt you and didn't care about enough to think how her actions would effect you .
I'm hoping she just forgot this was the name you chose,and maybe you didn't make it completely clear that's the name you wanted .

Did you at least give the baby Alice as a middle name?

That’s a really horrible thing to do.

Not a nice thing to do.

I would have just called my daughter the name I wanted, even if it’s the same as her. Then if anyone asked I would make it clear your sister knew it was the name you wanted for your child and chose to use it herself

Alice is lovely.

If you still love it and think "she's an Alice" change it.

Your sister is a total dick.

Its a great name and you should have used it anyway!

Really horrible thing to do because obviously had you still used it, everyone would think you had copied her rather than the other way around. Out of all the names in the world as well, she had to use yours. I think had she reacted by saying she’d also had her heart set on this name, it may have been different but to me this reads as her being a bitch.

which alice in wonderland? Alices are 10 a penny these days, common as muck, i'm sure whatever name you chose will have been far less banal.... :)

I definitely would have just called my child the same name. I think your sister is very unfair!

That's so mean