To still be hurt that my DSis stole my baby name?

[Snowberryfields]

My DSis and I both had a baby last year and were roughly due at around the same time. I have had my heart set on a certain name for such a long time. It’s in the top 100 names but isn’t particularly common around my area. My sister knew this as I have made it pretty clear that I adored this name. You can guess what happened next. My sister gave birth a month before me and she used my name. Now, I know I don’t have ownership over a name but this really hurt to be honest. I didn’t immediately say anything to her as I know she had just given birth and didn’t upset her so soon after the delivery (along with being heavily pregnant myself at the time). But last week I did confront her and she said that I am being ‘ridiculous’ and it is just a name and I should get over myself. I called my child something else obviously. I feel horrible saying it but I still look at my child and imagine them with that name. Am I being unreasonable here?

She should feel bad that’s an awful thing to do.

I'd have stuck with the name. Kids love to hear the story of 'their' name. Imagine how awkward for your sister to have to explain to her kid why you had called your child the same name. But I'm bloody-minded.

I'll tell my DD that!! 😛

She doesn't own the name. Personally I would have gone ahead and given my child your preferred name anyway. I did actually name my son the same as his cousin 36 years ago. It's never created confusion although I admit one is in Ireland and one in England.

Very reasonable to feel hurt about this but is happened now and you just need to move on. You've confronted your sister, she doesn't care and basically that's it.
Find a way to forget about the name - perhaps its association with your mean sister will help to sour it .

I discarded one name from my shortlist when a work colleague used it for her DD.

I suppose I just felt I'd look like a copycat? If I'd actually decided on that name already I might have kept it though.

My mother came from a very long of Sarah’s, they also had the same surname as a middle name….

Me too. I would have used it on bloody principle.

My oldest son's name I had picked out from being a very young child. Nothing could have stopped me using the name. Nothing.

I suspect in most of these stole name stories, the OP thinks they made it really clear they would use the name, and as far as the other person is concerned they had one forgettable conversation where both said it was one name they liked.

Because I don't think I've ever had a conversation where someone said "I like that name" and I've immediately assumed it would be their first choice for using for their baby - and tbh I wouldn't really expect to remember the conversation either.

But let's say person A is saying at that they will use the name which you also planned on using. If you say so they'll probably tell you you can't use it, even though they have no rights to do that. It doesn't make the less vocal person mean for going ahead with the name they wanted.

Are you sure she registered this was the name you wanted? On the off chance you might recall the conversations more clearly than she did.

I say because my DH and I accidentally did the same thing to his Dbro & SIL. 5 months between our DC, and we used the name they wanted (a common top 100 one) They were adamant they told us, and we honestly were wracking our brains trying to remember. We vaguely recall two conversations about names, one where they were very early in pregnancy and we laughed that that one was on our lists too. Another where they said they were going in an entirely different direction. Apparently it was mentioned again, but a high risk pregnancy & a lot going on in our personal lives meant we didn't remember in the delivery room.

Well done for keeping that to yourself for a year too. My ILs started WW3 the day I gave birth over it, and it was horrible experiencing that freshly postpartum. We would have changed the name it affected us so badly, but we'd already introduced them to their siblings. 😭

She has been a dick. Your baby was pretty much named. Its easy to say 'its only a name' but you had already basically given your daughter the name.

She is your sister and there's no excuse.

My sister knew this as I have made it pretty clear that I adored this name.

But had you told her it was the name of your baby? As in, at 20 weeks, you know you are having a girl -- baby Alice is on her way! Or, yay, it's a girl! We are thinking Alice OF COURSE. What names have you got on your list? If you had done this, she has been a twat, but I am guessing you did not.

"I adored the name" is not necessarily the name you are going to use. You could have adored the name Alice since you were 12 but by the time you get pregnant you and DH decide to call the babe Jessica.

She is allowed to go Alice.

[Have just read your update. Still think you might not have been clear enough, so would give her the benefit of the doubt though agree it could also have been a dick move. Either way, letting the anger go is much healthier for you.]

I too would’ve been upset!

This is a fantastic idea!

I think it’s awful and I actually have seen this play out in my family. I sided with the person whose chosen name was stolen. It taught me a lesson to never share what you’re interested in if there’s a remote chance it’s stolen!

I know the general consensus on MN is that 'nobody "owns" a name'. Perhaps that's true in a legal sense, but I still find this behaviour really odd and can well see why anyone on the receiving end of it would be quite justifiably upset.

My DH's cousin called her DC exactly the same two given names as a maternal cousin and at the time I thought that very strange. I had one boys' name I loved above all others and had I been in this position I would have minded hugely. I never shared the name with anyone beforehand - DS does now have that name - but I'm sure no one imagines this will be an issue with the people you most trust.

Of course, that horse has bolted and there is nothing to be done about it now. But YANBU to be upset. I'm a great one for not sweating the small stuff, but for me, this wouldn't fall under that category. I'd be angry and hurt too.

She's a twat, and she's not your friend, even if she's your sister.

If it's 'just a name', I wonder how she would have reacted if you pressed ahead and still chose your original name, eh? I think we both know.

@Slightyamusedandsilly Lol....you are a devil.

Yeh she’s a shit person.

I've been doing a lot of family history research and there are so many repeated names! However, they are named for parents or grandparents, apart from one woman who named her first and eighth child very similar names with no family link (think Lesley and Leslie). 20ish years between them, older child lived to his 70s.

I do understand why you feel so sad about it.

It's almost worth annoying the hell out of her, just so OP can point out to people every single time that she thought of the name first and her sister and allow others to see what a ruthless twat her sister is.

Surely there's no reason why you couldn't have used the same name? If it meant that much to you. I know a family where grandfather, father, son AND (father's) nephew all share the same family name. It's weird but they make it work. And if you were in the USA, it would be common.

I agree. It’s not the same as ‘you don’t own a name’ because you were actually pregnant and so the name was for a real person. It’s a really, really strange thing for her to have done because she knows that she has done it and she’s going to know forever and ever.

😂

Why didn't you use the name?

I think I'd be hurt at her reaction to you raising it as well OP. Telling you that you're ridiculous and you need to get over it isn't kind or empathetic, even if she doesn't agree.

How is your relationship normally? Does she usually get her own way and dismiss your feelings?

What have mutual family members who knew you liked the name, said about it? Surely they would have said 'oh I thought it was your sister who was having an Alice?'

Play living next door to Alice by smokie on a loop!