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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect someone to travel over 4 hours to a funeral

249 replies

MurkyMo · 07/01/2026 08:27

Would you travel 4.5 hours to a funeral of a friends parent in terrible weather and on B roads with you just getting over a bad dose of flu as well?

OP posts:
anotheruser76326 · 07/01/2026 08:28

It would depend on who they were to me.

Edinburghdaze · 07/01/2026 08:28

It sounds like you don’t want to go so don’t go.

Serencwtch · 07/01/2026 08:29

Yes if the friend was someone I cared about & needed my support

Cheeriooo · 07/01/2026 08:30

Only for a close family member. I imagine that your friend will have other family members to support them.

FabuIous · 07/01/2026 08:30

Probably not. I might if friend had no other support and/or was young to lose a parent.

CauliflowerCheese00 · 07/01/2026 08:30

No - I would travel that distance for the funeral of a family member or a good friend, but not just to support a friend at their family member’s funeral. I wouldn’t expect that of my friends either. And certainly not in weather some parts of the country are currently having.

zurigo · 07/01/2026 08:30

No, I wouldn't.

parietal · 07/01/2026 08:31

It would depend on a lot of factors
how well do I know family?
does friend have others for support or is he/she alone?
can I safely drive that distance?
can I afford an overnight stay and drive back the next day?

Lennonjingles · 07/01/2026 08:31

Depends on how close you were to the deceased person or are you giving support to your friend, either way, only you can decide.

Nincompoo · 07/01/2026 08:32

For family or close friend, yes, if possible.

Anyone else, no.

sittingonabeach · 07/01/2026 08:32

If terrible weather no. Much as I would like them there I would then worry about them travelling. Also support after parental bereavement isn’t just at the funeral, so I would vale their ongoing support more than just turning up at a funeral

DisplayPurposesOnly · 07/01/2026 08:32

Probably not. I dont think I'd be well enough to drive for that long, especially with the extra care needed in bad weather.

I did a similar journey by train for a friend's ex husband's funeral where I had family to chauffeur me around at the other end (and could stay overnight) which made it do-able.

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 07/01/2026 08:35

No
4.5 hours is a horrendous journey on its own. Without the weather we've got at the moment and being ill

I'd send a text sharing my condolences and thoughts with them on this difficult day and check in with them later

Original poster
MurkyMo · 07/01/2026 08:37

It's a close friend from childhood up to out 20s. Don't really see each other now, once in 20 years but have both been living abroad in that time. It's just occasional messaging now. They have a big family so lots of support.

OP posts:
summitfever · 07/01/2026 08:39

If it was one of my ‘best’ friends, that I’ve either known forever or been through some shit with then yes I’d absolutely make the effort to go, in fact I couldn’t imagine not. Less close friends then no, unless they specifically asked for support.

summitfever · 07/01/2026 08:39

In that’s case, reading your update, no

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 07/01/2026 08:40

MurkyMo · 07/01/2026 08:37

It's a close friend from childhood up to out 20s. Don't really see each other now, once in 20 years but have both been living abroad in that time. It's just occasional messaging now. They have a big family so lots of support.

You've only seen them once in the last 20 years?

No I would definitely not be making any extra effort

helpfulperson · 07/01/2026 08:40

Serencwtch · 07/01/2026 08:29

Yes if the friend was someone I cared about & needed my support

This. I'd actually be more likely to do this if a friend/family member needed my support than just because I knew/loved the deceased.

JamesClyman · 07/01/2026 08:41

No. Not unless I was very close to the deceased.

feemcgee · 07/01/2026 08:43

Is she expecting you to go, will there be a fall out if you don’t? Depending on where it is, there’s horrendous snow in some parts of the uk. My DM isn’t going to a funeral four hours away in rural Aberdeenshire because of it.
As someone who didn’t have any friends travel rurally for my DDad’s funeral, I’d advise you to make sure you support your friend in other ways.

Dearg · 07/01/2026 08:43

Send a card, maybe some flowers ( to the friend, not the funeral).

I would not expect all family members to travel that far for a 40 minute service followed by some sausage rolls.

sorrynotathome · 07/01/2026 08:43

No.

Needspaceforlego · 07/01/2026 08:44

No Op I wouldn't be doing that for your own safety. I can't even figure out where you would be travelling across to go that far purely on B roads.
Where I am B roads don't even get a glimpse of a gritter.

I think I'd try to meet with friend at the weekend or some other convenient point in time.

IsabellaGoodthing · 07/01/2026 08:46

Sounds difficult , you don't want to do it and I can't see why you should. Send apologies and love.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/01/2026 08:47

It depends how important they were to you.

I traveled for four hours by train with a 45 minute walk in heavy snow last year to attend the funeral of an ex who I had only seen twice in 25 years.

He was an important figure in my life, albeit for a short time, and I wanted to pay my respects. If he had been a more peripheral figure I probably wouldn’t have done.

It was a ballache and expensive but if you can’t make the effort when someone dies, when would you?