to expect someone to travel over 4 hours to a funeral

[MurkyMo]

Would you travel 4.5 hours to a funeral of a friends parent in terrible weather and on B roads with you just getting over a bad dose of flu as well?

I'm travelling 169 miles each way plus a further 23 miles each way to crematorium tomorrow in what I expect to be snow to attend the funeral of my best friends Mum who I have not seen for many years now but was very good to me when I was younger. I want to be there for my friend because I know how bloody awful it is to have your Mum die. The funeral is Friday but I'll stay at my sister's overnight Thursday. I don't care if I have to drive slowly and stop 2 or 3 times on the way. I'll drive home later Friday in what is likely to be more snow. I know she would do the same for me.

None of my friends went to my father’s funeral and I didn’t mind. It was a family day and I had the support I needed from my husband. My friends all sent flowers and took me out for dinner after. That being said, I did attend my friend’s mother’s funeral. But I knew her quite well anyway.

Yes

Adding most of my journey will be motorway and I have not had the flu.

I would yes but if you are still contagious I wouldn't go. Likely a lot of older people there if its a parent who died and wouldn't want to spread anything.

You cannot EXPECT anyone to do anything - you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment. You can give someone the information, you can even express your preference (“I’d like you to be there”) - but ultimately, people have free will, and should be allowed to make their own decision based on the circumstances around them 🤷‍♀️

If I was your friend I wouldn’t want you to put your safety at risk.

No i would only travel that far for a parent, child, sibling, best friend or partner. Nobody else i wouldn't even travel that far for a grandparents funeral

No, but I wouldn’t go to a funeral for a member of a friends family.

Absolutely not.
Wouldn't dream of it.
Send condolences.

No.

No

I couldn't even if I wanted to at present! I think many people don't realise how bad rural roads can get in winter.

so just say no. if she creates an issue out of it, it doesn't sound like you're losing an actual close friend

Yes, I would. I have long term friends that I do not see as often as I used to. Their parents were part of ́my childhood and i remain fond of them without seeing them. Driving long distances etc do not bother me.

Absolutely yes

One of my best friends who spent a lot of time around my family now lives around 3 hours away from me. I gave her the details of my dad's funeral and said I'd love them to be there but would understand if they couldn't do it. They said they couldn't, I accepted it (and was still disappointed even though I understood). They sent me a beautiful message on the morning of said funeral and we remain best friends.

I guess what I'm saying is that even in the depths of bereavement you should be able to talk to a true friend about this and they should at least try to understand.

Is it being live-streamed? I’d ask if it is as if you’ve really had flu, a 4.5hr drive will be taxing enough in good conditions. I’ve had the flu once and it took a good few months to feel back to normal.

In 2009 I went to Lyon for the funeral of my oldest friend's husband.

I remember being torn on the morning of the flight (the day before the funeral) because DD2 woke up with terrible period pains and had her university interview that day. I was really dithering about whether I should go, my DH was standing on the doorstep saying if we don't go now we'll miss the flight, but my eldest DD really stepped up and said go, I'll look after her.

I was really glad we went because my support on that occasion was apparently invaluable to her - she still mentions it occasionally now after all this time, as does her son and whenever I met her mother in the years afterwards she would also refer to it and thank me for being there.

And DD2 was fine at interview and got her place, having been provided with hot water bottles and pumped full of paracetamol by DD1!!

I did it fir my then best friend in the USA. Drove 4 hours to and 4 hours back for the funeral.

I was breastfeeding so didn't want to be away from my child overnight. I'm glad I went but in reality, there was so much family around her we barely spoke. She aporeciated my presence but honestly, I did much more in the weeks and months afterwards. If I could go back, I wouldn't have gone.

I would not drive in bad weather in the circumstances you describe.

" when would you?"
When they are alive?

When my Aunt's husband died at this time of year, my Aunt said under no circumstances did she want any family attempting to travel to the funeral as the roads and the weather were so bad She said she would worry about all of us if we were on the road and didn't want the additional stress of that. That would have been a 5 or 6 hour drive and I appreciated her saying that very much.

Depending on my relationship with the friend, yes. I’d split it over 2 days and have a break in the journey.

In fact I’ve done a 12 hour train journey to a funeral of a very close friend- sleeper train one night, funeral, then sleeper train back the next night and straight to work!

I would not expect someone to go in these circumstances no.Just send a card with Flowers /Donation and I think that will be enough.My Aunt died, and the funeral was a long journey. and my 2 children would have to come too.We didnt go just sent flowers which were well received

Op would you expect to see her at your parents funerals?

I think it would be a better use of your time, energy and effort to catch up with her 121 after the funeral when its less stressful and she has more time to talk.
It might also be a way to rekindle the friendship too, if that is what you want.

I think I'd get intouch, "Hi Friend I'm really sorry I can't make it I'm struggling with flu, feel really lethargic and don't feel up to the drive. But you know I'm thinking about you. Hopefully I'll be better by next weekend, I'll come over and take you to lunch"