Did I do something wrong? Employee snapped at me

[Brooklans]

For context I am male. A woman who reports to me joined the company 6 weeks ago snapped at me and wondered if this is simply a misunderstanding.

A few weeks ago we had to travel to another city for work, I said I’d drove us both there the following morning at 8am. She gave her address (she’s staying at her parents temporarily) and then later sent me a text so I “had her number for tomorrow morning”. The next morning I arrived slightly early and didn’t call beforehand, and rang the doorbell twice. When she got in the car she said “Please don’t ring the doorbell again, it’s not my house it’s my parents I’m only staying there for the time being”.

She announced the role wasn’t right for her shortly afterwards, and on her final day I remembered she had some company equipment at home (for WFH purposes) and offered to pick them up from her parents house the following evening to save her bringing them back to the office. She text me the next day asking what time I will arrive. I told her and she texted back “Okay. Don’t ring the door bell again, just call when you’re parked outside and I will bring the equipment to the car”. When I arrived later I pulled up and rung her telling her I was outside. Afterwards I got out the car and walked to the front door, I arrived just ask she opened the door with the equipment, she looked taken aback and said “I told you to stay in the car!” I said “You said not to ring the doorbell I wasn’t going to” As she walked to the car with the equipment she said “I told you I’d bring the equipment to the car!” Put the equipment in the boot and walked off back into the house without saying bye. Thoughts?

If she’s left the company and you’re never going to see her again, then don’t give her a second thought. Life’s too short.

I told her and she texted back “Okay. Don’t ring the door bell again, just call when you’re parked outside and I will bring the equipment to the car”. When I arrived later I pulled up and rung her telling her I was outside. Afterwards I got out the car and walked to the front door, I arrived just ask she opened the door with the equipment, she looked taken aback and said “I told you to stay in the car!” I said “You said not to ring the doorbell I wasn’t going to”

She explicitly told you not to ring the door bell. You knew from the previous incident she had some of issue with you approaching/ringing the doorbell. Yes, she may be as mad as a box of frogs, but given that you don't know her, there's also the possibility there is good reason for her aversion to this.

You say you weren't going to ring the doorbell but you were approaching the front door, AND had already rung the doorbell on the previous occasion, so reasonable for her to assume you were about to do it again. I don't know why you didn't just wait in the car.

Seriously? The woman had a choice to sort herself out and chose not to. OP offered, and it was always an option for her to say ‘no thanks. I’ll sort myself out’. Sounds like she’s no problem with being assertive when needed….

You and your colleagues have dodged a bullet.

None of us know if you have done anything wrong. One thing is clear, she left the job after a short time. Did she give you any feedback on why she left so soon? Do you think it was because of the doorbell incident?

Why did she leave?

I’m surprised more people aren’t reading into this. She’s quit her job shortly after travelling on a works trip with him and now appears to not have any tolerance towards him at all. Yes her reaction sounds a bit extreme but surely there’s a reason behind this reaction. Everyone is taking this one incident alone at face value and calling her crazy.

OP she specifically texted you telling you that she would bring the goods to your car. She will have reasons for this and you chose to ignore them and step on her parents property. Regardless of whether he was doing her a favour or not doesn’t give him the right to ignore he wishes and approach her family home.

I’m guessing you may have form for either ignoring her, being overbearing, or over stepping boundaries, and this was the final straw.

I sympathise with you over being rebuked for ringing the doorbell, perfectly normal thing to do.

But, in relation to the second incident, surely it’s obvious that she was annoyed at you ignoring her request to stay in the car. Why did you do that?

Is it really a normal thing to do before 8am when he’s only picking her up, and she lives at her parent’s house?

If she lived alone I could see your point. But he wouldn’t just be disturbing her by ringing it, it’ll disturb her parents too. Maybe they’re retired and not up at that time?

Her text was rude, giving you orders without a please or a thanks for your help, but she accepted your offer to help her out.

So, unlike others, I wouldn't read this as her having a problem with you or your behaviour apart from these incidents. She could have taken the trouble to return these things herself if she didn't want you near the house.

She sounds like a rude and snappy person who would be like this with many people. A her problem, not a you problem.

I would phone instead of ringing a doorbell up to about 9am, but it's no big deal. Apart from that I wouldn't fault your behaviour as described here at all.

She never asked him to stay in the car. If she's going to be rude to someone doing her a favour over something so minor, she needs to make her instructions clearer. Or indeed, to consider politely refusing the favour and keeping control of the situation herself that way.

Some parents are abusive. My OH’s parents wouldn’t allow any of his friends to come up the drive for example. Not your fault though.

She said not to ring doorbell, to call her when he’s parked up, and she will then bring the goods to the car.

Unless he’s an absolute imbecile does she really need to spell it out and add “stay in the car” to the sentence as well ?

Yes. Yes it is. It's completely normal. 5 am no. 6/7 am not without permission (e.g. normal for school friends meeting to travel together but not for any old reason). 8am totally fine. Many delivery/repair services/household stuff says "anytime between 8am-8pm" so it's assumed the average person is ok with that.

If it matters to her, she does need to say that, yes. Because coming to help carry the stuff out is well within the range of normal human behaviours. She knows what she wants and why. OP isn't a mind-reader. So if she's going to strop about it, she needs to be clear or just manage the situation herself.

Yup. Deliveries ring my bell around 8am all the time.

I think you are both a bit strange. Yes, she was rude and snappy, but your own behaviour was so weird that I can kind of understand what might have triggered it, if she is usually a pleasant person.

The first time, I wouldn’t dream of ringing someone’s door bell (especially at 8am when you know that they don’t live alone). If you have someone’s number, the normal approach is that you text them from your car to let them know you’re there.

The second time, two things:

You were overstepping the boundary even to offer to pick up the equipment. She was responsible for returning it, you should have left her to do it. If she asked for assistance then that would be different, but she didn’t.

Then, she did say she’d bring the equipment out and you chose to ignore that. I get that if you’d been waiting quite some time, you might hop out to see if any help was needed, but you didn’t really give her a chance. Given that she’d already indicated the first time that you were unwelcome on the property, you really should have just waited for her to come out.

I think OP, as a manager, you would probably benefit from thinking about where the boundary should be between work and personal relationships with your employees.

She was clear, his incompetence and inability to read the room isn’t on her.

Correct the text did not say “stay in the car” but it was pretty clear that he should not approach the house. Not sure how it could be taken any other way.

I'd say she really wasn't clear. That's why we have a discussion going on about the right time to start ringing doorbells. The assumption is she didn't want her parents disturbed, not that she was happy to have him help by picking stuff up but only if he stayed in the car.

She was unclear and unnecessarily rude.

You may have intended both these situations to be a favour to her OP but you didn't ask, you just told her what is happening. The thing is you're her boss, so she probably felt she couldn't say no, even though she quite obviously doesn't want you near her home. She'd possibly have preferred to make her own way to the venue and to bring the equipment into work herself and hand it over there. I'd say she's quit because she's realised she can't work with you, you're not treating her as an equal. She can maybe see there's no malicious intent behind your actions, so nothing to complain about exactly, but all the same she can't put up with it.

Did you do something wrong? Not really, trying to be nice isn't wrong. But if you want to improve then in future ask if someone wants the favour you'd like to do for them, instead of assuming, because to the other person it might feel more like an imposition.

I don't see it. The only obvious thing to take from don't ring the doorbell is don't disturb the household. He's visible either way, in his car or standing in the driveway. If that's a problem, she should have returned the equipment herself.

And if he had misunderstood a clear request, - which I'd dispute - she still had no need to be rude. But since her initial text was also pretty rude, it's not surprising that she carried on that way.

I don't think we have any evidence that the employee couldn't have refused either offer, though, or that OP didn't ask but told. Especially once she'd left. This is one way of filling in the gaps but there would be plenty of other possibilities.

I find the tone of her text to OP really impolite (and hardly downtrodden and placating) so I lean towards the assumption that her manners just aren't great.

OP was being helpful. And he appears conscientious to ask if he was rude. He is not rude but respectful. Not crossing boundaries nor being overpowering.

I think you were weird to ring the doorbell, especially that early. You have phone number you should’ve called her to come out. When my old boss came to collect equipment, that is exactly what he did.

And on the second occasion, I don’t understand why you go out of the car. She made it clear she didn’t want you to ring the doorbell and she said she was going to come to the car.

Who knows what her situation is. It could be an abusive one.

I wonder if she was rude and snappy or if she was just asserting her boundaries - which got ignored anyway.

I don’t think this was on purpose at all by the OP, He obviously cares about this situation enough to post about it to understand it better. I think next time you need to just listen to what people say and just maybe read between the lines? Step back a bit..