To not want to do a week with DHs family

[Olintia]

My DH isn’t British, most of his family still live in his home country, we have 2 small children who are 2 and 4. We visit his family 2-3 times a year, his parents visit maybe once a year. We just got back from spending new year with them.

His family have a tradition of renting a large villa and everyone getting together for a week in August. Right from his elderly grandparents in their 80s to aunt an and uncles, cousins etc. Normally about 25 people when you add in cousins partners etc.

We have gone every year we can and I absolutely hate it, his family don’t really make adjustments for small children, they still leave dinner until 8pm then serve the courses over 4 or more hours, I’m always told just to give the children a snack in the afternoon and keep them up late, this unsettles the children. They are also loud, music, loud chatting so it’s not easy for me to just put the children to bed and make them food earlier. Language also presents an issue as while I do speak a little of the language and I am working on learning more, most of his family don’t speak much if any English so I can only really converse with DH and he is obviously busy and unable to help translate constantly.
They book the same villa every year, the children are on camp beds, there is a pool with no fence so I’m constantly on high alert, everyone is drinking lots etc.

I find it miserable and hate how it takes up a whole week of annual leave. I don’t mind our other visits as much as we stay with his parents and there is usually only one or two big family meals over the time we are there, where as this is 7 nights of long family meals.

I appreciate it is his culture but I’d like to move to every other year, he has said no. He’s told me I can just not come if I hate it so much but his family will think I am rude and he will be taking the children. I don’t want to miss out on a week with my children and I don’t think his family or DH would look after them well especially with the pool, lots of drinking adults etc.

Ive suggested he goes and leaves the children here but he has said no that this is his family and he doesn’t want to miss it.

We see all his cousins at 2 other times in the year which is more than I see my extended family and they really aren’t good at adapting to children. I asked if it would change when more of his cousins or siblings had children and he said unlikely, that in his family and likely culture children just slot in and go with the flow.

AIBU not wanting to go? How do I handle this?

I’d go, but like hell would I be feeding my young Dc meals starting at 8pm. I would insist that they’re having their tea at 6 and going to bed at 8pm and if I need to stay in the room with them for a while, so be it.

If your DH is difficult with that, and you think you’re going to be bullied into giving in, the nuclear option is to hide their passports and refuse permission for him to take them out of the country. He will then do the same to you.

I wouldn’t be bullied, personally, so I would tell him what you’re prepared to do and what is not happening, and insist he agrees. If you go and he doesn’t back you up and you can’t feed your DC at a sensible time, that will be the last time you take them as you will refuse permission in future.

Your husband has offered you a fair compromise, and you are being unreasonable if you won’t take it. He has as much right as you do to include his children in his family traditions, and your children have a right to be there.

Think how they and you would feel when they are older and you told them they missed out on memorable holidays with their family because you didn’t want to go so you wouldn’t let them go either.

PS I would not hesitate to make it clear that your DC live their regular lives very differently and this is unsettling for them. I know very well that Spanish DC stay up late, but there’s no way BIL & SIL, DH and I would have had our 4, 5 and 6 year olds in a restaurant at 8-9 pm on holiday in Spain. We ate at 6, put them to bed and then got the drinks, snacks and cards out on our balcony for the evening. They would all have been grumpy nightmares if they’d been kept up late.

I have tried to suggest this, DH always complains that his family thinks it’s strange and the best part of his childhood was staying up late, getting up and down from the table between courses, playing with cousins etc.
He feels I’m depriving them of childhood by putting them to bed early or making them miss family meals.

I think it is fair enough you want to do it every other year.

I sympathise though: other families are hard. I wouldn’t leave them either with the pool.

Seriously? How is having the young DC around an unfenced pool when the adults are drinking a lot a fair compromise?

There is no way I’d let a DH like this take my DC away for a week without me until they’re old enough to be safe round a pool. He’s totally dismissive of what young DCcneed.

You are at the worst point now, with the DC being hardest to manage the pool and the bedtime. I’d see it through and think of the benefit for your DC of having that extended family network that your DH enjoys.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting my kids go on holiday without me to a villa with a pool and no fence, being ‘supervised’ by heavy drinkers.

Can you compromise by going but getting your own accommodation nearby? That way you can take the kids back early and be in control of meal times.

They're half his culture too OP, so jo harm letting them experience it a few times a year. Yabu, routine isn't more important than knowing their dad's side of the family.

Do your parents or close family live close to you and do you see them often? I think that’s relevant.

It does sound as if it’s a fun holiday for the kids. Do they not enjoy it? They might be unsettled but it’s only a week, no different to if you went to Disneyland. It sounds as if DH doesn’t get much time with his family as they live abroad and so he wants to go as a unit. It was probably quite hurtful hearing that you didn’t want to come.

Yes we live near my parents and see them most weeks, I appreciate that I’m lucky in that sense and I do enjoy the time with his family when we are in the city. But the villa week is hard as they eat outside every night make a lot of noise, the pool, it being day after day.

The children do enjoy it and everyone does play with them but it’s definitely not a child centred holiday or even really a child considerate holiday In my mind. I struggle to understand how he and his 7 cousins/siblings used to do this annually none of them ever got hurt or fell in the pool etc.

Ohhh. We have this. It sounds like our DHs are actually from the same country. We also have kids 2 and 4. From when youngest was born, I used to try to stick to simar times as back home (which actually was a long haul flight away then - which was good to reset their body clocks). But it literally felt so challenging, like pulling teeth to get dinner on the table before 8pm.

In the summer (we were there for a 3wk stint), I thought, ah fuck it, let's try to do it the local way. Which meant putting the kids down for an epic nap (fighting the older one to sleep for 2h, so that they ended up sleeping at 5pm!), waking up at 7, eating at nine, going to bed at 11 and sometimes sleeping by 12!! ZERO 'ME TIME' AT ALL (or "getting things done" time). Granted, they'd wake up a little later, but only by an hour, max!

I get what you mean - my normally lovely, happy, playful kids became constantly whingy, clingy and an absolute nightmare to be around.

After 3 days I had a mini stress-out from sleep deprivation and agreed we'd go back to how we normally do it. Bed by 8, latest (at home they're asleep by 7), we still have relatives coming to 'see the kids' at 9.30 and they're surprised they're 'already' in bed. Unless it's a festival, special occasion. My FIL is lovely and lovely kindly helps us get the food going earlier than they normally would.

Basically my ILs (and the cousins) know we eat dinner early and as soon as it's over, we whisk them off to do teeth and bed. The cousins stay up later but that's fine (but they also wake up MUCH later than ours, so it's a different kettle of fish).

Very long post. Sorry! Not sure if that's much help.. but I'm quite Ok with being the weird foreigner with odd eating and sleeping times for her kids - let's see how it plays out in 4 or 5 years though!!

It sounds like he insists that your children go on multiple trips to visit his family (New Years, August, other trips to see his cousins) which must use up a lot of your annual leave. Does your annual leave get divided fairly between your side/your desires vs your husband's?

It also sounds as if, on this weeklong August vacation, you have to spend a lot of effort keeping the kids safe from the unfenced pool, dealing with their late nights, and managing their food schedule in light of his family's conflicting food schedule. Does your husband take an equal share of managing that burden? Or does he just chat with his family while you run around after the children?

The pool safety issue is top priority. How does he plan to handle that if you don't go with him? Is he taking a "magical thinking" approach of "it will work out, you're a Nervous Nellie" or does he have an actual plan for it? How realistic is his plan? What are your options if he has no plan, other than to just capitulate and continue going?

I would guess that the way this worked in the past (when your husband was a child) was that there were a number of moms with kids, and they collaborated to ensure all the children were safe - took turns watching the pool, took turns eating dinner, etc. They probably didn't enjoy it much, but as their kids got older and became safe swimmers, they were able to enjoy it more, and maybe forgot how bad it used to be. They see it as their turn to have fun now, and your turn to do the hard graft of looking after your kids. It's just harder for you because you are the only one doing it and don't have other moms you trust to share the pool-watching. I would also guess it wasn't as loud after dinner back then, as there were more little kids and fewer adults who weren't looking after small kids to make noise late at night. Also, I doubt the men of any took part in the childcare or managing dinnertime or bedtime, so they will see no reason why you should be having a hard time with this.

I think there are some ways to make this more tolerable for you without canceling altogether, but they would depend on your husband being willing to share the load, be flexible, and advocate for you with the group. It doesn't sound like he's willing to do that.

It doesn't certainly doesn't seem fair or reasonable for OP to send them on holiday without her to an environment she feels is unsafe and where her children would not be well looked after. And it doesn't seem fair or reasonable that her choice is either do that or have to go herself every year on a holiday that she finds stressful and unenjoyable.

He claims the pool is a non issue, it’s at the bottom of the garden, quite far from the house, he feels that during the day there is always someone around the pool or in the pool keeping an eye, and if the children are running that far then we aren’t keeping a close enough eye on them. Dinner is up by the house on a sort of cover veranda he claims that everyone is watching and if the kids leave the veranda someone would notice.

He does help look after them, he’s not lazy, I just feel less comfortable so I’m on higher alert.

I don’t think it necessarily was quieter as he would have been there with his great grandparents and second cousins so just as many adults. The dinner thing is also just not registered to them, I’ve noticed this with his friends there too, parents never stop their meal or eat separately because of children, the children will just sit on someone’s knee while they eat, get down and play, no pressure to remain at the table for the full meal as it’s usually spread over hours and people get up between courses and come back etc.

I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

We don’t use much annual leave for the other visits as they are over Christmas or new year then Easter and usually just a weekend, so do have time for other holidays but this is smack in the middle of summer holidays and now DD is in school I do feel restricted by it as we don’t get a say on dates either.

Just let him take the kids
he won't do it - he needs you to care for them
call his bluff

This big family week away is only benefitting your DH......your young children's needs are being completely dismissed and there is a language barrier. He is being incredibly selfish to insist on going every year. He has chosen to live in a different country, with a different culture and have children. He shouldn't expect to just force his children to eat/sleep at the wrong time for them.
You spend other time with his family during the year, which seems to work well for you and your children. Stick to your guns about not going to the huge family gathering every year - it's not in their interests and you are undermined at every turn when you do what is in the children's interests.

Just stop pandering to them. Cook their dinner early. They can always eat dessert later on. Let them stay up a bit it’s a holiday. You just don’t have to do everything they say. Or suggest booking a villa next door so your kids can have some quiet in the evening as a last resort.

Agree with this. He is trying to shoehorn you all into giving his children this idea of the perfect childhood that he supposedly had.

It sounds like it's really important to him, so I would go, but I would do what timing works for my children re meals and sleep, I'd bring something suitable for them to have an early dinner and I'd just do it myself, and get them to bed when they need to. It will also get easier as your children get older.

Likewise the OP has chosen to have children with someone from a different country and culture, it doesn’t seem unreasonable for them to commit to one week a year with the wider family.

I would have no hesitation in sending them off with their dad and enjoying a peaceful week to myself.

With the major exception of the unfenced pool. I assume their dad is capable of supervising them?

If you do go feed the kids when you want literally just make the food, you don’t have to wait until 8.

The pool of course would worry me, but the family being loud and the late bedtimes wouldn’t bother me for a week sorry.

It will get easier as the kids get older, my dad is from a different culture so maybe I am just used to it as thats how I grew up

I think you should try and be a bit flexible, pretty much the whole of Europe live like this so they won't understand the way you do things in the UK, it will seem terribly odd.