To not want to do a week with DHs family

[Olintia]

My DH isn’t British, most of his family still live in his home country, we have 2 small children who are 2 and 4. We visit his family 2-3 times a year, his parents visit maybe once a year. We just got back from spending new year with them.

His family have a tradition of renting a large villa and everyone getting together for a week in August. Right from his elderly grandparents in their 80s to aunt an and uncles, cousins etc. Normally about 25 people when you add in cousins partners etc.

We have gone every year we can and I absolutely hate it, his family don’t really make adjustments for small children, they still leave dinner until 8pm then serve the courses over 4 or more hours, I’m always told just to give the children a snack in the afternoon and keep them up late, this unsettles the children. They are also loud, music, loud chatting so it’s not easy for me to just put the children to bed and make them food earlier. Language also presents an issue as while I do speak a little of the language and I am working on learning more, most of his family don’t speak much if any English so I can only really converse with DH and he is obviously busy and unable to help translate constantly.
They book the same villa every year, the children are on camp beds, there is a pool with no fence so I’m constantly on high alert, everyone is drinking lots etc.

I find it miserable and hate how it takes up a whole week of annual leave. I don’t mind our other visits as much as we stay with his parents and there is usually only one or two big family meals over the time we are there, where as this is 7 nights of long family meals.

I appreciate it is his culture but I’d like to move to every other year, he has said no. He’s told me I can just not come if I hate it so much but his family will think I am rude and he will be taking the children. I don’t want to miss out on a week with my children and I don’t think his family or DH would look after them well especially with the pool, lots of drinking adults etc.

Ive suggested he goes and leaves the children here but he has said no that this is his family and he doesn’t want to miss it.

We see all his cousins at 2 other times in the year which is more than I see my extended family and they really aren’t good at adapting to children. I asked if it would change when more of his cousins or siblings had children and he said unlikely, that in his family and likely culture children just slot in and go with the flow.

AIBU not wanting to go? How do I handle this?

All this being said:

Do not let your husband take them there alone with the unfenced pool

He's not taking it seriously enough, and no family member will, because they will be in 'holiday mode'.

Maybe if you learnt more Italian and had a few drinks then you might enjoy yourself a bit more. It sounds like you could relax a bit.

Let him take the 4 year old, keep the 2 year old at home with you .

I knew you'd say Italy. I'm married to an Italian; we spend weeks every summer down there. You need to unclench and relax your rules.

I was like you initially, wedded to routines, but it simply doesn't work down there, and the sooner you make peace with it, the better. It's hard when they're little, but as the kids grow they'll find later bedtimes much easier to cope with. My son certainly did.

Those long hot summers with all the cousins are to be treasured. I may not enjoy it as much, but my son loves it.

As for the pool, it sounds like there is supervision. Just because you don't personally know the person supervising, doesn't negate it. Get to know them, if that's your issue! And work on your Italian. You do know you get citizenship via marriage, once you've got to B2 level, right? Assuming you're not already an EU citizen.

Oh, and I had a completely flat buggy for my son and I'd 'put him to bed' in that. That way we'd be out at dinner or a wedding with no problems. He also used to sleep on my back in the child carrier whilst I ate!

It's only a week. Now that DS is older, we now go down for 6!!

The relatives that provide free childcare several times a week?!

That was my takeaway.

As I said further up thread, my DC at those ages (actually until secondary age when she could wake and read or play a game without waking us) would be up and ready for the day by 6 whatever time she'd gone to bed.

Of course she sometimes fell asleep if we kept her up late. It really wasn't that easy to get her into a bed in a strange room without waking her up. With 2 you'd have to be lucky twice.

So DH or I (normally me) would have to be up and ready for the day at 6am too...

That is a loooong shift with supervising them all day around water and then a 4 hour dinner starting at 8pm and loads of adults telling you to chill while frankly not being much help!

I think if this were my DH I'd say yes this an important part of your culture, yes I want the kids to experience it, but they do not have to experience all of it in full and right now - they have years and years. Maybe 80 or more if they're lucky!

Op, im shocked at your husbands solution of you can just not go!! You clearly see his family all the time and having a family holiday without the inlaws isnt unreasonable at all. His priorities are his extended family and not his own wife. Your husband is being selfish!

We are saying the same thing.

Honestly I see why you don’t enjoy it but I do get your DH’s side too. I’d grit my teeth for the next few years and keep going- once the kids can swim and are old enough to cope better with the late nights you won’t find it so difficult and I would bet that the kids themselves will have very fond memories of these holidays and reap the benefits of a large family network of interesting people. Plus exposing them to a different culture and getting them used to this way of living is beneficial IMO. Maybe miss out on one of the other visits like at Easter etc (when there’s no pool to worry about)?

I duno i disagree a bit with this. It's a situation that is familiar to him and has always been safe.

We take our children on villa holidays with our family (all of us British) and we do similar in the evenings.

The OP from what I've seen says her children enjoy it and lots of family play with the children.

I don't think anyone's being particularly unreasonable. The OP just doesn't particularly enjoy it but I'm not sure thats a good enough reason for them to miss out.

While I can appreciate that it must be stressful with the children being so young and at an age where they still need lots of supervision, I do think that there is nothing wrong with adopting a more relaxed routine when on holiday. Especially for this type of holiday.
I can understand why your husband wants your children to experience his culture and a version of his childhood.
It’s only a week and will be the sort of thing your children look back on fondly.

Let the kids eat when they’re hungry and if that means they don’t eat lots in the evening then so be it. They can play.
Make sure you and DH take it turns supervising the kids so it’s fairer and you both get a bit of down time.

I thought that. They see each other up to 4x a year. That's more than we see our inlaws in the same country and we don't spend a week with them at a time!

You can't go off "survivor bias" though. There were lots of things in my 70s childhood (kids piled in the boot for instance) that I look back on fondly, but I'm not doing with DD now.

If you'd grown up in a family where a toddler had drowned, wandered off and come to harm, you'd not be so blase (I didn't but as pp have said, it happens).

Let him take the kids then meet him out there halfway through. He can see what it’s like to do things by himself and you can have a break. Then when you arrive he will be more understanding and appreciative as well.

When you marry a foreigner I feel like there are some things you have to accept. That includes feeling left out if you don't know the language, kids spending holidays abroad, you using your annual leave to cisit in laws and then some cultural aspects while at home and some others when abroad.

I feel like there are compromises to be made from both sides. One of the things the british is known for is putting kids to bed early. Not saying it is a bad thing, but it is out of the general norm. List the problems you have and think what you can let go on and what is non-negotiable and work from there. And what you need from your husband for you to feel comfortable for him to do this solo. It is kinda worrying you don't trust your husband/your husband isn't trustworthy so two of you need to work on that.

Exactly. DH may have fond memories, but it doesn’t mean it was safe or desirable.

And the whole ‘sleep where you put them’ thing. I absolutely hated that as a child, being overtired and trying to get comfortable on two chairs, maybe covered by a coat. I vowed that DD would never have to do that.

But husband sees his inlaws several times a week? And husband has said that op can stay at home. Some people like their family and wants to see them and wants their children to have a relationship also with that side of the family. Unfortunately visiting in laws (if you choose to do that) for more than a lunch is what you sign up for when marrying a foreigner.

You married a man from another country, it’s part of the deal. Kids being included in the evening is completely normal in most countries, we are the outliers, I’m sure the kids are just fine and will love it more as they get older. Approaching them about the pool issue I completely agree with though, safety concerns are legitimate, why not research an alternative option?

Also be thankful it’s Italy not Spain, dinner wouldn’t start until 10pm! Why not encourage the kids to sleep in or nap in the afternoon like local kids do?

Shes allowed to ask for one family holiday or more without the inlaws Shes done plenty with his family. He needs to stop being selfish amd recognise her wishes as she has done for him. He is being unreasonable. Your holidays are irrelevant (not in a rude way) because its not your holiday in question, its ops. She doesn't want to do! Hes had his needs met year after year.

Yeah, I think you need to suck it up. Your kids will grow and most of these issues will go away very quickly. Things like routine and mealtimes seem massive when they’re toddlers but it’s only one week for a few short years and is it really worth driving a wedge between yourself and your husband and his family?

This is part of the deal when you marry someone from another culture and get to be in your home country 99% of the time.

For the sake of your husband and children, just go, it will be easier as your DC get older. You see your family all the time, he has the right to this. Make it a deal breaker that you and he supervise the pool time, and go and let him enjoy his time within his own culture.

let your DC experience and understand that part of their identity. Routines do go out the window on holiday, if your children need to eat a bit more in the day then let them.

he’s given you the option of not going if you don’t want to, how would you feel if he stopped the children seeing your family?

Where does it say they never holiday without the inlaws? Have you seen how often they see her family? And why do her needs trump his? The older child is only 4, so this really cannot have been going on for so many years. Her husband has given her the option of not going and him taking the kids, which she has refused.

NCed for this. I totally get this OP. I am UK, married to a DH with a large family also from the UK, but who for a long time rented the UK equivalent of a villa for a week or two each summer. The houses were lovely, the kids absolutely loved it. However I personally found it absolute torture, even though I tried all the things PPs had suggested. Anything I ever suggested or tried to contribute wasn't welcome, especially cooking (which I am quite good at) so I just ended up doing a lot of washing up. It was the same when we spent a lot of money renting our own place next door as when we slept on campbeds in the main house.
In the end I had to just accept that my function in the group as an outsider who married in, was to be the symbolic person who acted as a sort of defining point for who was "in" the family and who wasn't. So after about 5 years I stopped going and stayed at home (ostensibly working). My DH went and looked after the DC. It was all fine, no-one commented (at least not to me, or DH didn't tell me). DH complained a bit about having to go on his own with DC but wanted to please his mother/family and our DC.
You could try going just for the weekend this year, to ease out of it, and come back on your own leaving the DC with DH, then the following year not go at all. Your DC will have a lovely time. You will have a lovely time ... not subjecting yourself to this holiday, and not performing the role of what someone else's vision of an acceptable mother and family member is.