To not want to do a week with DHs family

[Olintia]

My DH isn’t British, most of his family still live in his home country, we have 2 small children who are 2 and 4. We visit his family 2-3 times a year, his parents visit maybe once a year. We just got back from spending new year with them.

His family have a tradition of renting a large villa and everyone getting together for a week in August. Right from his elderly grandparents in their 80s to aunt an and uncles, cousins etc. Normally about 25 people when you add in cousins partners etc.

We have gone every year we can and I absolutely hate it, his family don’t really make adjustments for small children, they still leave dinner until 8pm then serve the courses over 4 or more hours, I’m always told just to give the children a snack in the afternoon and keep them up late, this unsettles the children. They are also loud, music, loud chatting so it’s not easy for me to just put the children to bed and make them food earlier. Language also presents an issue as while I do speak a little of the language and I am working on learning more, most of his family don’t speak much if any English so I can only really converse with DH and he is obviously busy and unable to help translate constantly.
They book the same villa every year, the children are on camp beds, there is a pool with no fence so I’m constantly on high alert, everyone is drinking lots etc.

I find it miserable and hate how it takes up a whole week of annual leave. I don’t mind our other visits as much as we stay with his parents and there is usually only one or two big family meals over the time we are there, where as this is 7 nights of long family meals.

I appreciate it is his culture but I’d like to move to every other year, he has said no. He’s told me I can just not come if I hate it so much but his family will think I am rude and he will be taking the children. I don’t want to miss out on a week with my children and I don’t think his family or DH would look after them well especially with the pool, lots of drinking adults etc.

Ive suggested he goes and leaves the children here but he has said no that this is his family and he doesn’t want to miss it.

We see all his cousins at 2 other times in the year which is more than I see my extended family and they really aren’t good at adapting to children. I asked if it would change when more of his cousins or siblings had children and he said unlikely, that in his family and likely culture children just slot in and go with the flow.

AIBU not wanting to go? How do I handle this?

It may be his culture, but it’s not your children’s. I know they share a culture with you and your DH and they always will because of the both of you. However your young children are used to living in the UK where they eat at 6pm and go to bed at 8pm etc. They are too young to ‘adjust’ for a week and be expected to get on with it. Just the same if his friends young kids were bought over here for a week, they would struggle eating at 6pm and going to bed at a reasonable hour. It sounds to me like he is using his ‘culture’ to emotional blackmail you to be honest. You have genuine concerns and your husband is dismissing them and I would not be putting up with that. You’ve said yourself you go over several times a year. I think you spend more time with your husbands family than I do with mine and we live 10 minutes drive away!

I’m surprised so many people are so worried about the pool. Admittedly I only have one DS who has never been a wanderer, but we went on many villa holidays when he was a toddler and none of them had a fenced pool. We just always supervised him? I never felt on particularly high alert because he was never unsupervised anyway.

The eating and bedtimes I do sympathise with somewhat because my DS wasn’t good at staying up later than usual until he was a bit older than yours. But it’s only a week a year and it is very normal in most of Europe to eat late and stay up late, so I would try and do it if it were me. Give the kids lots of snacks to keep them going on food, bring the buggy round to the table so the younger one can go to sleep in the buggy if need be.

This.

When you do risk assessment you are told to assess both the risk and the seriousness of the outcome.

So: risk of grumpy, overtired children - high; outcome - trivial (although miserable for the OP)
But risk of drowning - even if low - outcome - catastrophic.

So I would say that for most of this, you need to try to suck it up and accept for one week you need to try and fit in with his culture- but he needs to take his share of dealing with the kids when they get tired and dysregulated due to the late bedtime.

The pool thing needs more discussion tho. I have been on similar holidays, last year there were 23 of us including 14 kids and we had an unfenced pool at the bottom of the garden. We had an absolutely hard rule that not a single child could be in the pool if there wasnt an adult down there and we were constantly all checking in with each other to make sure the pool was covered by somebody who was actively watching them. The kids were told they weren't allowed near it at night, we really drilled it into them and there would have been consequences for anyone breaking that rule

Honestly it sounds like your DH has lovely memories of holidays like this as a child and your kids will too - but that doesnt mean you should be the only one doing childcare or dealing with them when they get tired etc. I do accept it must be hard for you if you can't converse easily but I would commit to learning the language so that will get easier

The pool is the number one problem. If there’s no way that can be sorted out (can they rent a different place?) I would say that you need to stay somewhere else nearby when the kids are small. It takes constant vigilance to prevent drowning around an unfenced pool. Might be worth sharing some sad stories with the DH to help him understand.

The way you both have to see it is that this is a long haul. You’ve married across cultures and will need to compromise forever. The kids will not be small for long and in 5 years will thoroughly enjoy the whole thing. In fact your DH is probably remembering these holidays from when he was 10 and forgetting that your kids are tiny. So you need to agree that for a few years he needs to compromise (staying elsewhere; going every other year). After that you can be all in.

I would never say it’s not their culture, of course it is their culture too. We definitely spend more time with my family, we see them multiple times a week, they help with childcare.
I don’t want to go all guns blazing and accuse him of something that’s not true. While it is miserable for me and I do feel the children find it difficult, I don’t want to accuse him of being selfish or horrible as I know his heart is in the right place, he loves his childhood, he wants his children to grow up with elements of it.
It’s tricky to find a balance and admittedly I don’t enjoy late nights or see the joy of meals that seem to last 4/5/6 hours. I’ll suggest us having our own place or maybe going for a shorter time until the children are older.
I guess I sometimes feel self conscious too, his friends children seem comparatively less needy than ours, they are happy just playing between them self, getting up and down from the table.
He has friends who also live in the UK from his home country but I do notice they never do the early to bed thing. Our kids are normally in bed for 6:30/7, his friends even in the UK don’t put their kids to bed on school nights until closer to 8:30. I also know his family thinks we over indulge the children, don’t teach them resilience and have adapted every part of our life for them which I don’t think they view as normal.

Its more complex than he is selfish or I’m selfish, it’s competing needs in a multi culture household.

I may be being dense but I've never been anywhere with a fenced pool. We just constantly supervise the kids. We have had a few villa holidays and the pools aren't fenced. I'm surprised this is such an issue for people.

I have stayed in French self catering accommodation with private pools twice and both were fenced (with gates a toddler couldn't open) and one had an alarm (which the owners said they'd been required to install - whether for insurance or by local regulations, I don't know).

The first property was marketed by Tots to Travel, a company started by a family whose toddler drowned in an unfenced pool.

Diabolical!

But what sort of holiday is constantly supervising the kids?! Bloody hell, I'd rather not go at all!

While we are strict with routine and bedtimes, when on holiday we relax the structure a bit. We have friends who are hopeless with boundaries and their daily lives are dictated to by DC so we do feel doing this occasionally is fine.

Tbh they got so tired on holiday they were so ready for their routines when we got home.

Can't you go with the flow a bit more for jist a week?

Yes his family have the same things with pools, the idea that the children are unsupervised is strange to them, someone is always on pool duty, I guess as I’m not a big drinker I panic if that isn’t someone I know well, his cousins are often in and out of the pool with the children (most of his cousins are in their 20s). In his family they are always telling me just to lay the toddler on the outdoor sofa or across two chairs if they want to sleep.

I didn’t grow up with villa holidays so it’s all quite alien to me.

I’d be really fucked off. You haven’t got any wiggle room here. I would rather go with my children than let him take them. I would want to be there to safe guard them. I would have to suck it up with gritted teeth until kids were over 10 etc and could swim and not drown. But then I would be worried about alcohol. Argh!! So hard.

i don’t know what to suggest except pray the older people get frail soon and everyone stops doing the holiday

Best of luck with a court order with that attitude. It is the DC paternal culture. Yes an issue with an unfenced pool, but no way would DH not be able to take his DC to meet his family.

It’s Italy not France and the villa is owned by some family friends of his grandparents I think so I’m not sure what the local rules are. The pool is quite far from the main house and where we eat but I always worry my toddlers are just going to sprint off.

Could you make a compromise that your DC can do the stay up late and eat late thing 2 - 3 nights out of the week, but not all 7? It might be easier to manage them and make your week a bit easier?

I’m with your DH, we had many holidays like this when our DC were young and we all have the most wonderful memories. Perhaps you need to just unclench a bit.

Agree! Both parents need to supervise, with an unfenced pool it's high responsibility.

Absolutely learn the language of your DH, it would mean a lot to him and to DC. This would be a priority for me. Xxx

I'd be terrified about the unfenced pool.
That's a situation where everyone thinks someone else is keeping an eye on the kids and a kid can drown.
Like you I would not be happy with him taking them alone.
I'd insist they stayed with me.

I don’t think I could be married to someone who I don’t trust to look after his own children on a holiday. I would send the kids with him whilst you stay back and get some me time. If you genuinely don’t trust your husband to take them on holiday I think you need to reevaluate him as a husband and father.

He's your husband and it is one week.
Grin and bear it.
I apologise if this seems harsh, it isn't meant to be.

I think lots of issues.

my grandparents were Portuguese so we spent summers there.

40 years later we had our first abroad holiday, one week. Spain.

four children, 8 and under. I introduced the concept of siesta and we went with it. Nothing happens after lunch, by day two all asleep.

in exchange, late nights, BUT early tea. So they ate 6 latest. But a snack later when we ate.

Pool is a non negotiable for me. So the rest time after lunch I’m on guard at night.

children and water unattended is never ok. The rest. Work a way around

My colleague's 3-year old daughter drowned in an unfenced pool while on holiday in Spain. It was 2.5 years ago. There were loads of people around and no one noticed that she'd gone under the water. Absolutely devastating. No way would I EVER leave my DC unsupervised around an unfenced pool. I cannot believe your DH thinks it's 'no big deal'.

OP, I would go on the holiday, but stay somewhere else and stick to your own schedule. Is that a possibility? I wouldn't care about upsetting the family, and I think it's a good compromise since the DC will still see family during the day. Is there a little apartment or villa nearby?

Unfortunately, you're going to have to have a backbone here and stand up for your children. I have a very multicultural family so I understand that it can be hard.

Sorry I should clarify, they are always attended at the pool. The issue I have is DH seems to think adults in their early 20s who have been drinking are fine to supervise, I don’t agree.

Neither of us think the children shouldn’t be attended to, we just differ on I believe only someone who is sober should be supervising, therefor I don’t drink as everyone else disagrees and thinks as long as they aren’t drunk they are fine even if they’ve been drinking slowly through the day.