To not want to do a week with DHs family

[Olintia]

My DH isn’t British, most of his family still live in his home country, we have 2 small children who are 2 and 4. We visit his family 2-3 times a year, his parents visit maybe once a year. We just got back from spending new year with them.

His family have a tradition of renting a large villa and everyone getting together for a week in August. Right from his elderly grandparents in their 80s to aunt an and uncles, cousins etc. Normally about 25 people when you add in cousins partners etc.

We have gone every year we can and I absolutely hate it, his family don’t really make adjustments for small children, they still leave dinner until 8pm then serve the courses over 4 or more hours, I’m always told just to give the children a snack in the afternoon and keep them up late, this unsettles the children. They are also loud, music, loud chatting so it’s not easy for me to just put the children to bed and make them food earlier. Language also presents an issue as while I do speak a little of the language and I am working on learning more, most of his family don’t speak much if any English so I can only really converse with DH and he is obviously busy and unable to help translate constantly.
They book the same villa every year, the children are on camp beds, there is a pool with no fence so I’m constantly on high alert, everyone is drinking lots etc.

I find it miserable and hate how it takes up a whole week of annual leave. I don’t mind our other visits as much as we stay with his parents and there is usually only one or two big family meals over the time we are there, where as this is 7 nights of long family meals.

I appreciate it is his culture but I’d like to move to every other year, he has said no. He’s told me I can just not come if I hate it so much but his family will think I am rude and he will be taking the children. I don’t want to miss out on a week with my children and I don’t think his family or DH would look after them well especially with the pool, lots of drinking adults etc.

Ive suggested he goes and leaves the children here but he has said no that this is his family and he doesn’t want to miss it.

We see all his cousins at 2 other times in the year which is more than I see my extended family and they really aren’t good at adapting to children. I asked if it would change when more of his cousins or siblings had children and he said unlikely, that in his family and likely culture children just slot in and go with the flow.

AIBU not wanting to go? How do I handle this?

Get your kids swim lessons ASAP. You want to drownproof them.

An unfenced pool is extremely dangerous to kids. Add in a bunch of drunk adults and that's where you get your freshwater drownings. Do they at least have a pool alarm?

I would go but I would feed my kids on the schedule they want, not his family's. There's big cultural differences here but hunger doesn't care about culture.

Learn the language. If it's Spanish, there's tons of resources out there. Take ear plugs and a small white noise machine for the kids.

Tricky when you spend a lot of time with your family and it means a lot to him. I’d go, as I wouldn’t trust anyone else to watch them around the pool, but if they are struggling with late nights just make sure they get their main meal at 8pm, and bed by 9. I guess in their culture it’s perfectly normal to keep kids up late but it would have stressed me out too, especially the pool. It’s not safe without a fence and it takes seconds for a child to drown.

Book an alternative holiday with your parents for the same week?

Why is it that you don’t trust your husband to keep your children alive/ look after them for one week? It is also curious that you don’t trust his family with your kids.

Anyway, is the problem here that you feel you’re spending all or most of your family holidays with his family, less with your own and less your small family alone? If so say that and ask him to chose which one or two of his family dos he will forgo so it is fair all round with what he wants and what you want.

We spend time with family in Italy so used to kids being up late and dinner at 9pm often into the early hours during summer. We had our 18month old out eating ice cream in the town square at 10pm last year, embracing the new routine is just part of the holiday. We just feed a small dinner at 5pm to hold the kids over until later, but if they don’t eat much at 9 it doesn’t matter, they’re too busy playing. Up at 8ish and then have a long nap around lunch time which then sees them through until late bedtime.
The pool would stress me out, but you can get water alarm bracelets/anklets - perhaps make them wear them all the time you’re there to give you an additional protection?
alternatively I’d book a small villa or apartment nearby - up to you if DH stays with you or in the main family villa. Then you can dip in and out as you wish. We often go with extended family and stay in separate places, often with one big communal place that we meet in during the day then return to our respective apartments to sleep or have some quiet time.

And she is trying to shoehorn them all into living a British lifestyle. Many many countries are far less rigid about kids being in bed by 7pm, out of sight, out of mind.

I actually think this holiday sounds amazing and will give the kids some wonderful memories. Sure, their dad needs to join in with the supervision and parenting, especially if this is his vision. It will get easier as the kids grow.

We had a similar situation to this in my family op and over time I persuaded my husband that we would be present with the dc but we would stay in a separate villa.

That way we could retain some independence and go to some of the family meals and late nights but have a few in our holiday apartment too, and we had more control over proceedings and the dc didn’t get too out of their schedule and I could take a bit of a break from his family occasionally.

But on the days we didn’t attend the big dinner, we would all be there with the dc helping during the day and they would still be mixing with cousins and grandparents. Or we would go on expeditions with family. We did show willing, we just weren’t there for every single breakfast, lunch and dinner!

It’s got to the point now where my dh much prefers us staying separately but nearby. And his family have accepted it too. It’s more money of course but I think it’s money well spent to remain slightly independent.

Would a solution like that work for you op? Most men respond to being presented with a solution!

Btw op you are not wrong to be very concerned about the open pool, the alcohol and not having one designated adult to observe the water and be on life guard duty. That is the classic scenario where accidents happen because someone always assume that another person is taking care of it. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are being over-cautious.

This is also my experience- the children just adapted when they were with their dad’s family and we changed to their timings for the duration of the trip.

I wouldn’t go. It sounds really hard and not suitable for your young kids. Don’t feel guilty.

Just saying, absolutely zero chance I'd allow my tiny kids to go on holiday without me with a bunch of drinking adults and an unfenced pool. Zero. I don't give a shit if their Dad is there, there's two of them and one of him and frankly it sounds like he'll be busy and distracted. That is exactly how so many drownings happen, all the adults think someone else is watching the kids...

The language difference sounds hard, and the pool worrying but for the rest I think you need to relax a little. I think you should also learn more of the language.

Staying up late and adjusting to holiday time is part of things. I’m from a similar sounding culture and long hot summer nights of staying up late are a fond memory. Adults talking loudly and playing music is just what happens when people are having fun and relaxing. Kids can and should adapt.

I would let him go without you with the kids. Surely you trust him to not let them drown? If you don’t that’s very worrying indeed.

Sounds awful!! And a waste of your annual leave!! Say no.

The DH may have no idea exactly how much time and effort it takes to keep a 2 and 4 year old away from hazards like unfenced pools if he's never needed to do it solo.

I think most people would be concerned.

It also sounds like there's a potential risk the kids could hurt themselves inside the villa or wander off, if everyone thinks someone else is doing it.

There have been some tragic cases.

YANBU.
Regarding late meals I would dislike that too but of course it’s cultural differences etc.

The swimming pool, on the other hand, would really REALLY concern me. My husband was involved in attempt to resuscitate multiple children that drowned in a single incident when unsupervised by adults - how he doesn’t have ptsd I don’t know. Dr Beachgem , a paediatric consultant in Florida, regularly posts on social media about the dangers of kids at the pool with multiple adults around… it’s a common phenomenon that when there are lots of adults around there’s a false sense of safety that they’re all “keeping an eye” when actually no one is constantly watching. Adults check their phones, engage in conversation, reapply sunscreen etc etc etc - naturally they end up not constantly watching. Throw alcohol into the mix and it’s even worse. Theres cases every year where there’s a pool party/family bbq and a child will drown despite multiple adults being present.

Sorry for the essay! But the pool thing would be massive issue for me and for that reason I wouldn’t let DH take kids without me

I even remember an awful case in the UK where a family with a toddler were renting a holiday villa with a hot tub - the toddler managed to get in and drowned. Just unspeakably awful

I can see why you find it a challenging week with a 2 and 4-year-old.

I think what I’d do is go for the next two to three years and also get your children signed up for swimming lessons at home. Mine started as toddlers and it’s definitely a relief when they’re competent swimmers.

Once they can swim and are slightly older (maybe 6 and 8), you might be more comfortable staying at home while your DH takes them.

My DH and I are from different countries and we’ve regularly visited family without each other, including holidays involving pools and beaches. But it’s so much easier with slightly older children, you’re at the toughest ages to supervise right now. So I think you’ll have to grit your teeth for a few years. 💐

Sorry OP but I think you are being selfish here. 51 weeks of the year the kids are in the UK and being British and for one week a year your husband wants his kids and wife to be with his family and directly experience his culture (I wouldnt count a few weekend visits).

He compromises every day to live in the UK (whether this is his choice there are cultural elements for his children) and you don’t. Unfortunately that is marrying a foreigner.

You sound rigid and unwilling to go along with his family. Make food for the kids earlier and go with the flow for bedtimes. Kids all over Europe often eat later and go to bed later and they are fine. Culturally Brits are seen as rigid on these things but both aren’t wrong.

Also you are catastrophising about the kids. Do you honestly think your husband wouldnt watch them or ensure they are safe?

Agan sorry but I think you are being unreasonable and need to look at this from your husbands point of view. I say this as a foreigner married to a Brit.

Go on the holiday and don’t endlessly complain abiut it. How do you think this makes your husband feel that he wants one week with his family and you just want to find fault and hate it?

I’m not normally this rude on here, but your husband is an idiot. Your kids are 2 and 4 years old, they aren’t capable to staying up late and making the best of it. They lack the physical and mental abilities to do that!

if they were 8 and 10, I would say you were being unreasonable and to let them stay up, but not two littles like you have! I wouldn’t be taking my kids either, particularly with the added dangers of a fenceless pool and drunk adults who clearly don’t accept that young children need caring for (dinner at 8pm?) I would be telling my husband straight, he can go alone or not at all, but the kids will not be going until they are old enough to ‘slot in’

I think this is just part of marrying someone from a different culture, and FWIW I think it sounds a fantastic one for children to grow up in.
Can you cut back on some of the other visits so you keep the big family one but only do one other visit to his family? Or you all go on the August one but he takes the kids alone to visit his parents on one of the other occasions.

Well, I wouldn't want my DH to have to endure a week every summer that was miserable for him, where he had to work really hard to keep the kids safe, stay sober (because no-one else will) and couldn't have a proper conversation with anyone. I think THAT would be selfish.

I'd exploring compromises such as an apartment nearby, as pp have suggested.

I had the experience as a teenager of staying with a large family in the summer in France. I was with a friend whose French was fluent and ahe knew them fairly well. My French was passable but not up to massive multi person discussions about politics etc. No-one spoke to me much - they just couldn't be bothered to speak a little slower or more simply.

You begin to feel like you don't exist after a while. It's a most disconcerting feeling.

It’s hard to argue this when it’s his culture. All of his friends have children similar ages who are capable of the late nights later dinner etc. So it’s not that no child can handle it and that’s where the argument rises. He believes I’m overprotective and millions of children from his country have been raised like this and have managed fine. Including those of his friends and family. He feels I’m suggesting his culture is wrong or bad in some way.

I would go and enjoy it! Let the children stay up late. They will love it! They can slept late the next morning! It’s only for a week! As your husband says it’s making memories!

A week is also not long enough to settle in and go with the flow. We used to keep to roughly the same timings for food and bed etc when DC was this age and it was hard enough with the time difference, different food, beds etc without moving everything hours later. My DC would also have woken at the normal time, just considerably underslept!

@ilovepixie I mean that's lovely if your child actually sleeps in. Mine woke at 5.45am on the dot for years. Including in a pitch dark basement flat in Canada where she woke at 12.45am... amazing really.

I think you should be flexible, kids staying up late for a week on holiday isn't the end of the world. Very British attitude and the kids are half his culture.

Also they're not going to be little for long so hardly a long term problem. I think he's right.