To not want to do a week with DHs family

[Olintia]

My DH isn’t British, most of his family still live in his home country, we have 2 small children who are 2 and 4. We visit his family 2-3 times a year, his parents visit maybe once a year. We just got back from spending new year with them.

His family have a tradition of renting a large villa and everyone getting together for a week in August. Right from his elderly grandparents in their 80s to aunt an and uncles, cousins etc. Normally about 25 people when you add in cousins partners etc.

We have gone every year we can and I absolutely hate it, his family don’t really make adjustments for small children, they still leave dinner until 8pm then serve the courses over 4 or more hours, I’m always told just to give the children a snack in the afternoon and keep them up late, this unsettles the children. They are also loud, music, loud chatting so it’s not easy for me to just put the children to bed and make them food earlier. Language also presents an issue as while I do speak a little of the language and I am working on learning more, most of his family don’t speak much if any English so I can only really converse with DH and he is obviously busy and unable to help translate constantly.
They book the same villa every year, the children are on camp beds, there is a pool with no fence so I’m constantly on high alert, everyone is drinking lots etc.

I find it miserable and hate how it takes up a whole week of annual leave. I don’t mind our other visits as much as we stay with his parents and there is usually only one or two big family meals over the time we are there, where as this is 7 nights of long family meals.

I appreciate it is his culture but I’d like to move to every other year, he has said no. He’s told me I can just not come if I hate it so much but his family will think I am rude and he will be taking the children. I don’t want to miss out on a week with my children and I don’t think his family or DH would look after them well especially with the pool, lots of drinking adults etc.

Ive suggested he goes and leaves the children here but he has said no that this is his family and he doesn’t want to miss it.

We see all his cousins at 2 other times in the year which is more than I see my extended family and they really aren’t good at adapting to children. I asked if it would change when more of his cousins or siblings had children and he said unlikely, that in his family and likely culture children just slot in and go with the flow.

AIBU not wanting to go? How do I handle this?

Could you not go for a shorter period of time say 3/4 nights instead of a whole week ? Or go and stay somewhere else so you can just visit the villa and still have privacy .

Do not compromise on this OP. See my above post. The DC need to be watched like a hawk, by a sober person, who is capable of jumping into the water at a moment's notice. I would be livid with my DH if he thought that drunk people glancing over at the pool every few minutes was safe for a 2 and 4 year old.

I'm a relaxed parent in many ways, but drowning is the leading cause of death for children between the ages of 2 and 4.

The Judge would also need to be satisfied that the children are going to be safe and looked after properly. As is the case with every contested holiday issue that comes before the family court.

I don’t want to be alarmist but DH recalls his friend rescuing a near drowning child from a river - a regatta - mum was nearby, drinking and chatting with her friends, no sign of dad. She just wasn’t watching her child for a few seconds/minutes

I live in a culture where kids eat with the family so that can be late. My kids are bicultural but this is something I’m ever compromised on with my English family. It’s so weird that kids are not at family meals if you think about it.
I’m afraid I’m with your husband. You are denying them part of their culture. Try to lighten up a bit.

I really love this way of life and although we live in England (not my choice), our children have always been raised in a similar way to how you're describing to your DH's culture. And it makes life so much easier when we're on holiday or at an event, as being up late is normalised for them. I personally find the parents I meet here in England are so rigid with routines for their children, I do cringe a bit.

I think if you're not prepared to embrace their culture, then you should stay home and let DH take the children. Let your children have the lovely memories of their culture they don't get to embrace much.

I'm not the most stressy parent but the situation as described regarding the water, the alcohol and 20-something pool watchers really does have "bit before Casualty credits" written all over it.

The unfenced pool is a worry and needs to be sorted.

Apart from that though, I wonder if you’re being a bit inflexible about joining in with a different culture, as if you’ve made up your mind not to like it in advance. It’s only a week out of the year, and obviously important for your husband, family and the children’s cousins. And you see your own family a lot more often.

My view is probably coloured by my own positive memories of visiting friends and family in southern Europe from early childhood onwards - we all loved staying up later in the warm weather, being included in late suppers along with the grownups, seeing cousins and aunties again, and I’ve no memories of being tired, it was just an exciting change of scene. Children are quite adaptable, but if they sense you are reluctant about the whole thing, they may take their cue from you.

Just an alternative viewpoint - I’m not suggesting it should be yours.

This will get easier every year, OP. I was just like you regarding sleep etc when they were that age. By the time the littlest is 5 it will be so much easier to relax the timetable a bit. Can you find a compromise whereby for the next 2 years you stay at a nearby but separate villa, then join the whole family after that?

The pool cannot be "sorted" if this is a privately owned place. Owners can do what they like and are hardly going to fork out for safety precautions they think unnecessary for the sake of a week a year.

I’m glad my international marriage took account of everyone’s needs. Because (unfenced pool aside) one week a year is nothing. When you live away from your home it’s a little bit of you missing all the time. And you need to learn Italian. It’s a very easy language. Phonetic, follows easy rules, lots of words in common with English. Theoretically 600-750 hours of study to become conversational. Do you do one person, one language with the kids? That will help you learn. If your oldest is 4, you’ve had time to learn. Think of the week as language immersion.

I guarantee your children will look back on this time with joy, and love, and feel more connected with their culture and family. If you can suck up sober watchfulness and Italian language practise. And they will soon be older and it will be easier.

I’d insist on your own villa so you can come and go around your children’s schedule.

The bedtime and meals thing is a non issue on holiday. You can't keep to your routine.
This is your husband's culture and therefore 50% of your children's DNA.
Can he take them without you and therefore be 100% responsible for them?

All non swimmers should be supervised by the pool though.

The post i commented on said: ' no way would I.let my DH etc etc'. A UK family court would never stop a father taking their DC to meet extended, culturally relevant family. Provided they gave full intention to bring DC home. Eg return plane tickets. The pool issue will be met by (un monitored) assurances, with no guarantees needed.

As the pool is unfenced it’s also important to bear in mind that a kid can wander off from the house and fall in. I definitely agree with you that drunk 20-somethings cannot be relied on for lifeguarding. When accidents happen it’s often because even the child’s own parents were distracted.

I’m relaxed about bedtimes and food and everything else but the pool is literally life and death. If I were you OP I’d drop the rest of the objections and focus on that one.

On a side note, try to have confidence in your own parenting. It might be different to the way his family would do things but it’s your way and it’s fine. Your life will be easier when you’re more confident in the language too.

Are they the only children?

just feed them earlier and let them fall asleep when they’re ready. It’s a holiday.

I know it’s cultural but I really can’t see an issue. Children the world over sleep through noise and parties and on sofa until they’re carries up to bed. It’s not an issue. It’s fun it’s how memories are made. they can run around and be loud rambunctious and jump and get lots of attention from all the adults and no one minds.

bring some stuff for easy meals and if they want to have more food at 8 let them. Let them sleep late.

The pool part would be my main objection

He feels you are depriving them because you are. Its awful to take away their paternal culture and refuse to allow for the differences in yours and his.
His culture is the way mine is, exactly what you have described is the way my life is. Long lazy meals, with family.

yes a chair sleep is pretty normal for small
children at large family gatherings.

sleep is sleep. They’re portable. That’s the useful bit. You just carry them up when you want.

it’s really not a big deal.

Start swimming lessons and take them to practice at the local pool regularly.
I grew up on the Med with families flocking down every summer and like clockwork one or two children drowned every year because no one was keeping enough of an eye on the pool.
You can’t just stroll over every half hour when you think of it, or even longer when the drink has been flowing. Some children drowned within minutes of arriving as everyone else was dragging in luggage, checking out the rooms and the veranda, and then ‘where’s Johnny, oh I thought he was with you’.
Every bloody summer.
So you’re absolutely right. Until they are competent swimmers don’t let your husband take them on his own. His focus is on his family visit, not your children’s well being. He will never admit it though.

Hmmm. It’s a difficult one as it’s so different to your usual routine, but as a very family oriented person, I’d just do it - it sounds like it’s only once a year and it’s obviously important to your DH.

It’s not a fair compromise if she’s worried about her young children’s safety. Drunk adults and an open pool, what could possibly go wrong?

So she either has to go spend a week being pissed off and uncomfortable or spend a week worrying about the safety of her dc. Can see why she’s annoyed.

I imagine the OP's husband spends time being pissed off and uncomfortable around her relatives. Why can't the OP suck it up for 1 week a year?

This sounds honestly idyllic and like such a wonderful family time and memory for your kids - and totally agree with your DH that staying up late and running around and being wild on long summer nights would be the best bit for your kids! I don’t understand why you can’t just ease up on their schedule over summer and let them have a grazing dinner. It’s unfair if you’re missing out on the fun so make sure your DH is doing 50:50 bedtimes and mornings etc. If you really hate it then do one year on one year off and let him manage the kids every other year. Considering your DH and their entire family has made it out of this annual tradition alive and well then I think you can assume they are able to keep your kids alive too - they’re just letting you take responsibility because you’re there! If you weren’t there then they would need to step up.

Are the family willing to get up at the crack of dawn with an overtired 2 year old?

Cos I've had holidays like this and the expectations are astounding: small child needs to participate, stay up late, you need eyes in the back of your head 24/7 cos of the unfenced pool (?!?!), then the MIL is surprised that you are in bed at 9?!? Stop up and have a drink!!! RELAX! Let your hair down for a change!!!! They conveniently forget you'll be up early the next day with two small kids to supervise - for another 18 hours

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