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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to do a week with DHs family

163 replies

Olintia · 06/01/2026 17:40

My DH isn’t British, most of his family still live in his home country, we have 2 small children who are 2 and 4. We visit his family 2-3 times a year, his parents visit maybe once a year. We just got back from spending new year with them.

His family have a tradition of renting a large villa and everyone getting together for a week in August. Right from his elderly grandparents in their 80s to aunt an and uncles, cousins etc. Normally about 25 people when you add in cousins partners etc.

We have gone every year we can and I absolutely hate it, his family don’t really make adjustments for small children, they still leave dinner until 8pm then serve the courses over 4 or more hours, I’m always told just to give the children a snack in the afternoon and keep them up late, this unsettles the children. They are also loud, music, loud chatting so it’s not easy for me to just put the children to bed and make them food earlier. Language also presents an issue as while I do speak a little of the language and I am working on learning more, most of his family don’t speak much if any English so I can only really converse with DH and he is obviously busy and unable to help translate constantly.
They book the same villa every year, the children are on camp beds, there is a pool with no fence so I’m constantly on high alert, everyone is drinking lots etc.

I find it miserable and hate how it takes up a whole week of annual leave. I don’t mind our other visits as much as we stay with his parents and there is usually only one or two big family meals over the time we are there, where as this is 7 nights of long family meals.

I appreciate it is his culture but I’d like to move to every other year, he has said no. He’s told me I can just not come if I hate it so much but his family will think I am rude and he will be taking the children. I don’t want to miss out on a week with my children and I don’t think his family or DH would look after them well especially with the pool, lots of drinking adults etc.

Ive suggested he goes and leaves the children here but he has said no that this is his family and he doesn’t want to miss it.

We see all his cousins at 2 other times in the year which is more than I see my extended family and they really aren’t good at adapting to children. I asked if it would change when more of his cousins or siblings had children and he said unlikely, that in his family and likely culture children just slot in and go with the flow.

AIBU not wanting to go? How do I handle this?

OP posts:
IreneFromSkibbereen · 07/01/2026 17:14

Beachcomber · 07/01/2026 09:29

My DH is half French half Italian. We live in France so our kids grew up with family moments very similar to those you describe.

It's totally normal in much of Europe. And in my experience it's actually good for children. They grow up being used to sociable family moments. French and Italian culture are very child inclusive as opposed to modern UK culture which is what I would call child centered (too child centered in my opinion).
It's good for kids to adapt and to have fun with loving families. It's fine if they fall asleep on a sofa or on someone's lap or in a pram near the table. Try to embrace this culture and take the positives from it (of which there are many). I see a lot of French and Italian kids growing up to be adaptable, sociable, easy going about food and bedtimes and with a sense of family and joy about several generations gathering together.

In my British family I see a lot of more socially awkward kids who can come across as a bit selfish and sometimes even rude as they have grown up used to things being centered around them and their needs and wants being anticipated and met (although I think this is a class issue and more of a middle class phenomenon).

So I would say try to go with the flow. You are a family of 2 cultures. Embrace both.

Also French and Italian families are very used to being around open swimming pools. So it's not surprising that they are pretty relaxed and it. Just keep an eye on your kids and teach them to swim asap. DH and I never trusted other people to watch our kids and would also do a mindful handover as to which one of us was watching them.

I think you make a really interesting point about the distinction between ‘child-inclusive’ (more European) and ‘child-centred’ (UK). I’d never thought of it like that before, but it’s true.

I often hear UK people comment about how comfortable and well behaved French/Italian/Spanish etc children are in restaurants and with groups of adults generally - and then they assume that the Europeans must have some magic secret recipe for discipline that UK parents don’t have. But it’s really just because the European kids have had the practice from a very young age.

What I notice when in Europe (particularly the South) is children being included in everything as a matter of course, without overthinking it all. The kids aren’t obliged to stay at the table if they don’t want to, they get up and down, mingle with each other, and they get attention from different adults. The children can be noisy, and it can seem quite chaotic, but so what? And you don’t hear the kids complaining and demanding attention so much as here.

Generalising of course, but just my observations.

5128gap · 07/01/2026 17:42

I think it would be unreasonable for you to stop him taking the children. The compromise here is already on the table, they go and you stay. He has a right to take his children to see their extended family.

Rosealea · 07/01/2026 17:49

If you've got a 4 year old you must have known your husband at least 5 years. Why are you not more fluent in the language especially when you see the family as often as you do?

Is your 4 year old honestly not swimming independently yet? That's very unusual but you will have time to catch-up with other children of that age so they can swim by August. The little one needs a life jacket to keep themself safe any time there's access to the pool. It's really not difficult. Hopefully he/she will be given the opportunity to swim unaided since the older sibling obviously hasn't been and is behind.

This week as a extended family sounds amazing and is such a wonderful part of your children's upbringing and culture. It sounds like it's you that has the problem and you're making the children the excuse.

Oriunda · 07/01/2026 17:53

IreneFromSkibbereen · 07/01/2026 17:14

I think you make a really interesting point about the distinction between ‘child-inclusive’ (more European) and ‘child-centred’ (UK). I’d never thought of it like that before, but it’s true.

I often hear UK people comment about how comfortable and well behaved French/Italian/Spanish etc children are in restaurants and with groups of adults generally - and then they assume that the Europeans must have some magic secret recipe for discipline that UK parents don’t have. But it’s really just because the European kids have had the practice from a very young age.

What I notice when in Europe (particularly the South) is children being included in everything as a matter of course, without overthinking it all. The kids aren’t obliged to stay at the table if they don’t want to, they get up and down, mingle with each other, and they get attention from different adults. The children can be noisy, and it can seem quite chaotic, but so what? And you don’t hear the kids complaining and demanding attention so much as here.

Generalising of course, but just my observations.

Show quote history

This tends to be the case. We were a group of 14 last week for dinner. Restaurants are totally used to catering for larger groups, and our kids (aged between 5-15) are all capable at sitting at table for well over 2 hours. Younger ones colour; older ones play games together on phones.

In summer, our kids now eat at separate tables to us, and sometimes even separate restaurants! They're growing into confident children used to behaving appropriately in restaurants and ordering their food etc.

Most places in Italy are kid-friendly, but not kid-centric.

tinietemper · 07/01/2026 18:11

I guessed they were Italians. It’s understandable that you find the week stressful, but you chose to marry someone from a different culture so I think you have to suck it up. But I think you’re within your rights to give dinner to your kids earlier. Your kids are tiny; it’ll get easier. Don’t let them miss out on an important part of their heritage. I think you need to learn the language and loosen up.

But I get it. My family is from a super-loud, chatty culture, and we speak in a different language, and when I first brought my English husband round, he looked like he was having a nervous breakdown. He’s from a very quiet family, so I think it was a lot to handle, but he’s used to it now.

Oriunda · 07/01/2026 18:50

Or just feed the kids early so they're settled, but a smaller portion. Then they'll be more chilled when having dinner later with the family.

My DS's a teen now, but I still give him two dinners when we're in Italy over summer. A smaller bowl of pasta around 8, and then he's OK until dinner, which won't be until 10pm at the earliest in summer.

An early dinner in winter would be 9pm!

Molly499 · 07/01/2026 18:52

Such rigid thinking on here, you have had years to adapt to this and now you really must, your children will benefit hugely from these holidays. As has been pointed out, in most of Europe children are added to a family and just fit in with family life, they are not the be centre of everything and because of this they learn a bit of independance and social sklills. Everyone sitting together en masse for meals is great for them, let your 4yr old sit where they want to, doesn't have to be next to you.

Press on with your language skills as a matter of urgency; it must be quite embarassing when your kids speak Italien to relatives and you can't.

The pool...is a LONG way from the house, not everyone has tiny gardens like in the UK, get bracelets and just watch them.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/01/2026 21:28

Can you do alternate nights. So one night do the late night and meal tho I would offer snacks.

ans next night they have usual tea at 5 and bed at 7 and you eat at 8

most kids do have later nights on Holiday but will sleep in next day

croydon15 · 07/01/2026 22:21

I think that your DH is bu the children are too young to stay up so late, they are not used to it, it would be different if they were 10 and 12, they can learn his culture when they are older. I would not go or let the children go alone with him.
Tell him that you want to go on holiday with your parents for a change.

Snakebite61 · 08/01/2026 10:24

Olintia · 06/01/2026 17:40

My DH isn’t British, most of his family still live in his home country, we have 2 small children who are 2 and 4. We visit his family 2-3 times a year, his parents visit maybe once a year. We just got back from spending new year with them.

His family have a tradition of renting a large villa and everyone getting together for a week in August. Right from his elderly grandparents in their 80s to aunt an and uncles, cousins etc. Normally about 25 people when you add in cousins partners etc.

We have gone every year we can and I absolutely hate it, his family don’t really make adjustments for small children, they still leave dinner until 8pm then serve the courses over 4 or more hours, I’m always told just to give the children a snack in the afternoon and keep them up late, this unsettles the children. They are also loud, music, loud chatting so it’s not easy for me to just put the children to bed and make them food earlier. Language also presents an issue as while I do speak a little of the language and I am working on learning more, most of his family don’t speak much if any English so I can only really converse with DH and he is obviously busy and unable to help translate constantly.
They book the same villa every year, the children are on camp beds, there is a pool with no fence so I’m constantly on high alert, everyone is drinking lots etc.

I find it miserable and hate how it takes up a whole week of annual leave. I don’t mind our other visits as much as we stay with his parents and there is usually only one or two big family meals over the time we are there, where as this is 7 nights of long family meals.

I appreciate it is his culture but I’d like to move to every other year, he has said no. He’s told me I can just not come if I hate it so much but his family will think I am rude and he will be taking the children. I don’t want to miss out on a week with my children and I don’t think his family or DH would look after them well especially with the pool, lots of drinking adults etc.

Ive suggested he goes and leaves the children here but he has said no that this is his family and he doesn’t want to miss it.

We see all his cousins at 2 other times in the year which is more than I see my extended family and they really aren’t good at adapting to children. I asked if it would change when more of his cousins or siblings had children and he said unlikely, that in his family and likely culture children just slot in and go with the flow.

AIBU not wanting to go? How do I handle this?

Go but stick to your own rules. Don't let them dictate anything that affects your kids.
Let them have a crappy holiday.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 08/01/2026 11:18

croydon15 · 07/01/2026 22:21

I think that your DH is bu the children are too young to stay up so late, they are not used to it, it would be different if they were 10 and 12, they can learn his culture when they are older. I would not go or let the children go alone with him.
Tell him that you want to go on holiday with your parents for a change.

Lots of children are capable of staying up late. That would be such a crappy excuse to use to avoid going on holiday.
Lots of families relax the routine when on holiday and I think it can actually be good for kids to learn to be flexible from a young age.

Oriunda · 08/01/2026 12:16

croydon15 · 07/01/2026 22:21

I think that your DH is bu the children are too young to stay up so late, they are not used to it, it would be different if they were 10 and 12, they can learn his culture when they are older. I would not go or let the children go alone with him.
Tell him that you want to go on holiday with your parents for a change.

Seriously? Her kids are 4 and below. You saying they have to wait another 6 years before they can learn about Italian culture and stay up late? By then it will be too late.

No wonder the British voted for Brexit, with such narrow-mindedness.

Espressosummer · 08/01/2026 15:00

Needlenardlenoo · 07/01/2026 07:33

The relatives that provide free childcare several times a week?!

Show quote history

Doesn't mean he can't get annoyed with all the social time they spend together. A bit like how the OP is annoyed about this even when it's her dh's family watching the kids at times on the holiday.

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