Dd17 holiday been turned down from work

[AmusedLemonFatball]

I know I am being unreasonable but I’m hormonal and emotional.

dd is 18 soon, shes my eldest of three.

she has requested our usual dates off for work for our family holidays and all have been rejected apart from one that is for when she is going away with a friend and their family.

im really upset, I can’t imagine going on every holiday without her this year. It’s not big holidays, just to Cornwall etc but the thought makes me feel sick. There’s no chance of her getting any time off in the summer holidays and it has to work around school holidays for my other dc.

On the other hand it’s not fair that the other two don’t get a holiday?

I have autism so the unexpected change has really thrown me off :(

Can you not go at a different time when she can get it off work?

She is (very nearly) an adult now, with responsibilities. You'll just have to get used to holidaying without her.

You've given reasons why this is harder for you to come to terms with but if you can in front of your daughter, hold it together, she is doing well by having a job and being responsible.

Maybe if it's in your budget and you have the time available you and her could have a couple of days away at a time she is able to get leave, when the others are in school?

What about going on holiday over a half term or Easter?

Unfortunately she is just the same as any other employee at work - would you book a holiday if you hadn't had the time off approved? You either have to go without her or rearrange your dates. At our place we can book holiday a year in advance, so it's a case of doing that asap if you want a particular week off.

I’ve said yanbu because this would make me sad too.

What did you expect to happen when she was an adult? She works, so has restrictions. You have to start coming to terms with the fact that she is grown up now.

Can I ask why you said you are hormonal and emotional? Is it because you’re a woman? Because when a man is upset about something, he doesn’t say it’s because he is hormonal. Why are you continuing that nonsense? You can just be upset without saying it’s hormones… our feelings are real, normal feelings. We aren’t all slaves to hormones and it’s stupid thing to say.

How does she feel about it?

What's her job and what hours a week? It seems a bit odd for what I assume is a part-time role around college?

It is a bit unfortunate though that there is already no time available in the summer holidays. Is this a part time job and she is a student? How many days does she work? Perhaps she can join you for some of the week? An alternative that some places will allow is your daughter finding someone who will agree to cover for her. Does your daughter really want to come or is she not that bothered?

I’m about to say this kindly. Is there any chance she might not be upset about this. She’s going away with her friend leave approved by work.

You also have to understand that not every adult can logistically use their annual leave during school holidays.

also why would you not holiday with your children because one is working that’s bonkers.

What is her job? Is it a full time career or part time job around studying? Just thinking about options for her to move elsewhere and go in with pre planned leave? That could work in some scenarios if she feels strongly she wants to come, but that would need to be her want.
It’s hard feeling like someone else has a hold over your life and enjoyment in the sense her work does.

YANBU to be a bit sad, but feeling sick about it? Just go without her! Perhaps something will change and she'll be able to get a colleague to cover, if not then that's the world of work as an adult.

I'm sorry. I'd be trying to find a date she was able to get leave, the same as anyone else working. There's no chance she'll be able to negotiate it as a shift swap, or anything like that? Or if you go, could she come and join you for a couple of days at least?

In my current work place we can book up to 2 years in advance, so next month I shall book for half term 2028, this works for me but of course new members of staff then struggle to get the dates they want as so many of us have booked in advance.

Previous work place ensured parents always got some time off in school holidays, if they wished.

I would hate this!
Are you part of quite a large team?

It’s full time, she qualified last year, 8am -5pm Monday to fridayb

Sadly this happens when your young adults take on responsibilities and it's ok to feel sad about it but you may have to come to terms that your family is changing and these things happen. She may well relish time away from the family and hopefully with a bit more planning she can join you on the next one.

Of course it's sad but surely an inevitable step as she is now an adult? This was always going to happen wasn't it so feel your sadness but push through it.

all have been rejected apart from one that is for when she is going away with a friend and their family

Are you sure she wants to go on holiday with you?

She's 18, things change. You can certainly take the younger ones without her.

She's 18, she might relish the chance of being "home alone" -mine does! She's 20 and doesn't always go away with us anymore. She has work and a life with friends and really enjoys having the house to herself.
I know it's upsetting for you and I do understand that. You either change your dates around wherever possible or you take your younger ones away and arrange a weekend away with all of you at some point.
It's adult working life unfortunately-DD can't take anytime off from November through to January 2nd so always works all through Christmas and New Year which is shit- we've hardly seen her this time around. It is what it is.

If this was ds1 (also almost 18) then to be honest he's probably just call in sick and/or tell them to like it or lump it.

But he's doing A Levels atm and his job is 9 hours a week in a cafe. He works hard when he's there, enjoys the pocket money but he would absolutely not prioritise it over a holiday! He'd just get another pub/shop/cafe job instead.

If this is your DD's 'proper' FT job though there's really not much you can do other than change dates or go without her.

I'd start by trying to be as flexible as you can and seeing if you can find out what dates she could actually book.

At 17, I would probably just have looked for another job! It's a difficult job market at the moment, though, so maybe she shouldn't resign until she has another job lined up.

But it’s a full time job, not a part time thing around uni or something. And OP said she qualified, so she has done some level of work to get this job. You don’t just jack that in to go on a holiday. It’s like any other adult in a full time job they’ve worked hard to get.

Yes, she’s not a typical 18 year old.

Are you sure she even asked for those dates off?

It may be that she no longer wants to go on family holidays and finds it easier to hide behind the excuse of not being able to get time off rather than telling you directly as she'd be concerned about your reaction.