Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What’s with all the hate for SAHM

254 replies

Howarewealldoing · 05/01/2026 17:01

Following on from a post yesterday( who did work) but everyone assumed they didn’t. If they don’t sign on ,I don’t understand all the negativity. Or why some people get so worked up about something that doesn’t affect them .

OP posts:
FryingPam · 05/01/2026 17:42

I haven’t read that particular thread but I think people just like to criticise and put others down. I got some negative comments because I sent my 1-year-old to nursery to go back to work, when technically my savings could have supported me for another few months. You just can’t win.

DitzyDerbyBabe86 · 05/01/2026 17:42

Personally for me, I’ve had the experience of conversing with SAHP who reckons it’s a job in itself. It’s really, really, really not. I had 2 x 1 year off with my children (who are older so we had no nursery funded provision early like they do now). And those 2 years were a piece of piss. I also work full time over 4 days, and my 3 days off at home, were not even comparable to being at work. So folks, it’s not a job, you’re just at home. Sorry, not sorry.

PepsiBook · 05/01/2026 17:46

Jealousy mostly.
I took a year and a half away from working on purpose, to spend the quality time with my kids. The outrage of many people blew my mind. What the hell did it matter to them?! Lazy I was apparently - I have never worked so hard!!

Endofyear · 05/01/2026 17:46

I think in some cases it's envy - lots of women don't have a choice but to go to work to pay the bills! I felt very lucky that I was able to be a SAHM until my last child went to school - I did a lot of volunteering at the school walking the children to various activities and listening to readers and helping with crafts & cooking etc. I had to give up work again when my disabled son left school to be a full time carer and I really missed the social aspect and personal satisfaction of working. Being a working mum is harder I think, with all the juggling of work/home life, but it feels good to have that independence and personal achievement.

youalright · 05/01/2026 17:52

I don't know why people are saying jealousy being a sahm sounds like hell to me and so does working full time with small children. Part time work is the the best solution in my opinion. The only time I have ever said anything negative about sahm is about protecting themselves financially. Also sahm who kids are teenagers

Coconutter24 · 05/01/2026 17:54

I saw the post you are talking about. I found it bizarre how many people just assumed and quite openly shared their wrong and irrelevant opinion so confidently. Do people not know every job isn’t 9-5 Monday to Friday. Some people do shifts!

Howarewealldoing · 05/01/2026 17:55

DitzyDerbyBabe86 · 05/01/2026 17:42

Personally for me, I’ve had the experience of conversing with SAHP who reckons it’s a job in itself. It’s really, really, really not. I had 2 x 1 year off with my children (who are older so we had no nursery funded provision early like they do now). And those 2 years were a piece of piss. I also work full time over 4 days, and my 3 days off at home, were not even comparable to being at work. So folks, it’s not a job, you’re just at home. Sorry, not sorry.

They know it’s not a job that’s why it’s called stay at home . Think it all depends on what you do for a job and how old your children are ,and if they have any disabilities. Would determine what is more stressful. But I think most people would aim for a less stressful life if they had a choice .

OP posts:
Dollyfloss · 05/01/2026 17:57

DitzyDerbyBabe86 · 05/01/2026 17:42

Personally for me, I’ve had the experience of conversing with SAHP who reckons it’s a job in itself. It’s really, really, really not. I had 2 x 1 year off with my children (who are older so we had no nursery funded provision early like they do now). And those 2 years were a piece of piss. I also work full time over 4 days, and my 3 days off at home, were not even comparable to being at work. So folks, it’s not a job, you’re just at home. Sorry, not sorry.

That’s just your personal opinion though - for me being a sahm wasn’t like having a full
time job because I really enjoyed it and I didn’t like my job. However it was certainly “harder” work being home with 4 dc’s than going into the office every day and outsourcing the childcare. Being in the office was a piece of piss in comparison.

Some people find being at home with the dcs really difficult, don’t enjoy it and can’t wait to get back to their job, which they enjoy. And obviously I can understand that too.

Isn’t it great that we’re all different!

Addictedtohotbaths · 05/01/2026 17:58

Envy? I’ve always worked full time and went back when youngest was 6 months old. I am in a good position financially but I wish I could get that time back with them and all the time since.

However, it’s risky not to work / build a pension / establish a career and be reliant on someone else. Especially if you split which you read a lot about on here and the woman is often screwed.

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 05/01/2026 17:59

I don't think it's jealousy.

I think if people come out with stupid comments, it naturally attracts the "Jesus, shut up" snappy responses.

Having been a SAHM for 8yrs and WOHM for more, both have their pros and cons.

SAHM who claim they are working soooo hard, when their kids are in FTE come across as a bit ridiculous sanctimonious. Being a SAHM and actually doing childcare all day, can feel relentless though, and returning to work can feel like a welcome break.

I didn't work with eldest, when he was at school and my days were only busy because I filled them with things of my choice. Really nothing like doing contractual paid work. The "oh but I do all the housework" brigade get an eye roll, because the working parents do all that as well as full time work, so it's quite lame to justify that's why you don't have a job. Just say you don't work, because you're doing little different to a non parent who also didn't have a job.

I was SAHM with DTwins, and was their sole "childcare" for 2yrs until they started nursery. That was through COVID with DH never home due to key worker. And that damn near killed me.

I will likely stop working when we get our next house, and that's exactly what I am doing, stopping work, not staying at home to be a "mum" because all DC will be at school for the equivalent entire working day. If I then started bleating on about my difficult days as a SAHM, I'd naturally get ODFOD responses. And that's not born from jealousy.

FryingPam · 05/01/2026 18:00

DitzyDerbyBabe86 · 05/01/2026 17:42

Personally for me, I’ve had the experience of conversing with SAHP who reckons it’s a job in itself. It’s really, really, really not. I had 2 x 1 year off with my children (who are older so we had no nursery funded provision early like they do now). And those 2 years were a piece of piss. I also work full time over 4 days, and my 3 days off at home, were not even comparable to being at work. So folks, it’s not a job, you’re just at home. Sorry, not sorry.

Probably depends what you do..,as much as I enjoy the days with my toddler, my job is a walk in the park in comparison to chasing after him and keeping him entertained all day plus getting the house work sorted at the same time.

Summerhillsquare · 05/01/2026 18:00

What's with all the hate for people who start threads about hate for SAHMs 🤣

newmenewwhatever · 05/01/2026 18:00

I don’t understand why people think jealousy.
why would anyone be jealous of someone choosing to give up a career?
I don’t get that at all

Indianajet · 05/01/2026 18:03

I loved being a SAHM - my husband and I agreed, and it was a long time ago when many more women did it. I also did a lot of voluntary work, and got part time term only work when all my boys were in school. They all grew up to do a lot of the cooking/childcare in their own marriages - none of them get waited on by their wives! These days I do a lot of childcare with my grandchildren, so their parents can work.
Each to their own.

Howarewealldoing · 05/01/2026 18:03

newmenewwhatever · 05/01/2026 18:00

I don’t understand why people think jealousy.
why would anyone be jealous of someone choosing to give up a career?
I don’t get that at all

Think it’s all to do with having the choice. Anyone can choose to have a career. Not everyone can choose to be a SAHM and be financially comfortable.

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 05/01/2026 18:04

newmenewwhatever · 05/01/2026 18:00

I don’t understand why people think jealousy.
why would anyone be jealous of someone choosing to give up a career?
I don’t get that at all

Not everyone has a career though.
I had a job.

BlueandWhitePorcelain · 05/01/2026 18:05

YourBreezyBiscuit · 05/01/2026 17:21

I don't agree with mums staying at home because I think it teaches little boys they are supposed to be waited on by women and little girls that they are there to be the family carer. It does girls good to see their mum's go out and achieve and it does little boys good to see women achieving and earning equal pay and to see men pulling their weight at home to enable women to do so. It's a known statistic that the more a mother achieves the more her daughter will achieve and unemployed women are most likely to have unemployed daughters. Whether a mum works or not directly impacts her child's attainment in later life. I also think women have just as much responsibility to provide food, housing, clothing to their children as men do and they should be earning money to pay for those things as a provider.

Most people get upset about children not getting what they deserve whether it's role models, opportunities, food or housing. It's why mums spend hours arguing about about food, sleep training and weaning, we care because we care about all children not just our own.

I'm certainly not jealous, even though I love my time with my daughter when I'm not working and would always love more. But let's be honest, jealousy is just the go to trope when people are mad that women don't like something!

it didn’t teach me that at all. I went to a grammar school, which pushed girls towards university, especially STEM subjects. The attitude was girls go to university; or tinkly laugh “Do you want to end up working in Woolworths?”

Imo, WOHM just use that argument to justify their own choices. Social learning theory tells us, parents are role models for small children, but as children get older, friends and other adults (like teachers and celebrities) become more important than parents!

DS entered the same profession as me and DH. He knows what it takes to qualify. He works a minimum of 70 hours a week. He and my other DC are much prouder of what I have achieved in my voluntary work, than anything else. I was a SAHM from when DS was 6, on the birth of twin DDs. DH was earning 6 figures 25+ years ago. Both of us could go out and spend whatever we liked. Both DDs had SEN and I still care for both of them, some of the time, over 30 years later. Had DH and I worked part time to fit around all the appointments and meetings for DD1, we couldn’t have earned 2/3 of what DH could earn full time. I went back to work part time, term time only, when twin DDs were 15.

DDIL works Fridays and every other weekend. DS gets up at 5 am on Saturdays and Sundays to work 4 hours, before the family get up. He looks after DGC, after school on Friday and all weekend, when DDIL is at work. DDIL cooks dinner 4 days a week, and DS cooks the other 3 days. DS says:

”Being a SAHP is the hardest job in the world and the most under-appreciated! I would rather work 10 hours in my job, and come home to a cooked dinner, than spend 10 hours looking after two young children. Playing cars with DGS for two hours is mind numbingly boring!”

Fearfulsaints · 05/01/2026 18:05

I agree with lots of the suggestions below.

i also think that we have quite a puritanical society is some ways and paid work is seen as the moral stance, even if it makes no financial sense. I think a lot of the dialogue about net contributors adds to that.

Howarewealldoing · 05/01/2026 18:14

Would be interesting to know if the people against SAHM . Would still continue to work if they would the lottery.

OP posts:
hollytheheroic · 05/01/2026 18:14

I don't think there's hate as such, but I have seen threads where it's been heavily implied that working mums aren't 'full time' mums and this (rightly) usually starts a bun fight.

itsthetea · 05/01/2026 18:17

If you won the lottery big that might give you a lot of financial security which off the top of my head would make it much safer - provided you both gave up work and were basically having a good life together.

hollytheheroic · 05/01/2026 18:19

Jealousy is also a bit of a weird assumption. Unless the kids are in school all day. Then I'm definitely jealous.

RandomUsernameHere · 05/01/2026 18:19

It’s a Mumsnet thing. Mumsnetters in general are very against anyone not working full time.

Moonnstarz · 05/01/2026 18:22

Didn't see the thread. I agree in real life that there isn't any negativity around SAHMs but on here I think it might be because people see it as an outlet to moan and people tend to compare who is worse off. I think in those situations where you have someone who works full-time, having to drop children at breakfast club and collect from after school club and they come across someone who doesn't work and has school aged children moaning about how hard it is being at home then people do snap.

DaughterOfPearl · 05/01/2026 18:33

DitzyDerbyBabe86 · 05/01/2026 17:42

Personally for me, I’ve had the experience of conversing with SAHP who reckons it’s a job in itself. It’s really, really, really not. I had 2 x 1 year off with my children (who are older so we had no nursery funded provision early like they do now). And those 2 years were a piece of piss. I also work full time over 4 days, and my 3 days off at home, were not even comparable to being at work. So folks, it’s not a job, you’re just at home. Sorry, not sorry.

This in spades!!!
It rankles somewhat when Brenda is going on and on about how she just can't get the housework done when Christopher and Christine have been in school all bloody day! What have you been doing for 6 hours then? And I know it isn't volunteering before anyone jumps in....I personally know 'Brenda' and she certainly isn't down at the soup kitchen every day.
Rather than admit she fuck arses around all day doing whatever the hell she wants Brenda has to make up a story as to exactly why she is just as run ragged as the mother working 40 hours a week....
I don't 'hate' SAHM's, I do dislike the 'arguments' they create for themselves as to why they are equally as busy as WOHM's.
Obviously, before anyone jumps in this is about mothers of school age children/full time nursery goers.

Swipe left for the next trending thread