What’s with all the hate for SAHM

[Howarewealldoing]

Following on from a post yesterday( who did work) but everyone assumed they didn’t. If they don’t sign on ,I don’t understand all the negativity. Or why some people get so worked up about something that doesn’t affect them .

The conversations we will have are on average more interesting than when we go out in a larger group which includes the SAHMs - and not just about work but about politics and books etc too. Because living a different life provides a different perspective.

@CuriousKangaroo
Do you think the SAHMS aren’t interested in politics or books then? Or engaged with them?

@BlueandWhitePorcelain now that was a fascinating read.
VAT on marshmallows is definitely an interesting subject.
I've always loved the whole Jaffa Cake saga from several years back.

If you both see it as “his” money he is absolutely financially abusive.

Do you not have a shared pot? Your own bank account?

Are you unclear as to what the word majority means?

Except when your kids were sick you had a choice about keeping them home to get better, and you could be there to look after them, when your kids needed a lift somewhere you could offer it, you could help or at least be there for homework etc etc etc. You being there has helped more than you think.

As a working parent I’ve also done all of this.
What doesn’t help in this type of discussion is the assumption that it’s one extreme or the other.
There’s nuance, there’s a middle ground.
There are working parents who have the flexibility to be at home when children are sick, to attend assemblies, plays and sports days and actively support homework and extra curricular activities.
But sometimes the way working parents are discussed on MN is akin to neglect!

Ultimately, we are all doing what works best for our individual families and circumstances.

We have a joint bank account. Everything goes in. I do all the finances. I am free to spend anything I like, he’s never questioned a thing.

But it’s not mine is it. I didn’t earn it. As as the years have gone on, it’s really getting to me.

It’s the same for us. Dh does more house stuff and things for the children than I do, especially over the last five years when I’ve had health issues.

But I still don’t feel equal. And I still wish I’d lived my life differently and had a career instead of just being at home. I can’t change my feelings.

There’s a lot of patronising stuff in there and again, supposition and assumptions. Just a few things:

I was raised to have ambition and to expect equality in relationships

So was I - but nowadays I am not particularly ambitious (in a corporate type way anyway) because it didn’t make me happy, and that’s quite a common mentality I would’ve thought. As I said earlier, the drudgery of the 9-5 isn’t for me. Not everyone equates ambition = climbing up the promotional ladder in an office or whatever. People can have lots of different ambitions!

I find it interesting that you think if one partner doesn’t go out to work, the relationship can’t be “equal”. If anything in my marriage, I’d say I hold more of the cards.

Also weird that you think someone who doesn’t go out to work can’t have ambitious, hard working DD’s and bring them up with a desire to reach their goals in life. Do you think sahp’s tell their dc’s they shouldn’t try to achieve the things that they desire?

We sent our DD’s to an excellent girls school
where they are taught to aim high and work hard. That’s an ethos we follow at home. They also specialist in STEM subjects and that’s what my DD’s prefer, which I’m thrilled about.

Do you think families with a sahp push their DD’s to take sewing and home economics? 🤔

We raise our dc’s to prioritise following their dreams and being happy and don’t associate success with climbing up the promotional ladder in a career. If that’s what they want to do and enjoy it, great. DD is studying medicine and I’m thrilled.

Women should never be subservient to men

I agree, why do you think sahp’s are subservient to men? You think you only have power in a relationship if you have a 9-5 job? Or that we must only do subservient acts like bringing our dh’s their pipe and slippers? 😂 DH does just as much, probably more, for me than I do for him.

Men do not come first, their careers shouldn’t come first, they are not worth more.

Who said this?

Fathers should be expected to take equal care of their children.

Why? If it works for one parent to stay home and makes everyone happy, why does everything have to split down the middle? That would be hard work and very strange. My dh does loads of things I don’t do, hate doing, can’t be arsed doing. He took our 4 dc’s to sports at the weekends for years, standing around freezing pitches and doing car pools for instance. He enjoyed doing it. Should I have insisted on taking turns even though he wanted to do it and I didn’t so that things were “equal”?

Not at all but 50% of marriages end so it's certainly not beyond the realms of possibility,

It would be interesting to know what the stats on divorce are, and how many marriages end when a woman is working and when she isn't. I have no clue, but I wouldn't be surprised if marriages last better when a woman works because she has more say in the family finances and decision making. Much easier to tell a man to get stuffed if you are earning your own money.

And getting 50% of the assets is a long haul. Much easier to be able to say toodle pip and earn your own money while waiting to get your share,

Is it too late to do something now?

Work doesn't have to be about money. You can find all manner of jobs that create relationships, new skills, independence, from minimum wage up to, well the sky's the limit.

My ex is on the Sunday Times Rich List. He could stop tomorrow and his grandkid's grandkids won't be able to spend it all. Yet he still works every single day. It's what makes him tick. Some people aren't made to sit at home.

I'd suggest looking for a foot in the door in the charity sector. There's already a very different feeling of purpose and worth, when you are helping members of your community.

If you feel you missed out, take the bull by the horns and change that?

Yes, most people’s jobs are extremely dull.

I wouldn’t want to hang around with anyone who talked for long about their job, unless they did something of interest to me -
like maybe working as a burlesque dancer or a zoo keeper!

The most interesting people I know apart from my family are a hobby group I’m
involved in where we discuss absolutely everything. Some of the group work and some don’t.

Dull people are dull and interesting people are interesting. One of the reasons I wanted to leave the working world was bc of the dull people I was forced to talk to!

The passive-aggressive comments, lazy tropes and derision towards sahp’s are exactly what this thread about and if I met anyone as small minded and ignorant as some on here I wouldn’t want anything to do with them as I’d think they were quite hard of thinking.

any advice for routines for a SAHM please.

Oh my God 😂

Do you think people who don’t have 9-5 jobs don’t have those conversations?

👏

It IS yours. You need to work on changing your mindset.

And if you can’t get a job now bc of illness it’s neither here nor there is it really bc of you had been a working mum I’m assuming you’d have had to give it up?

I Hope you manage to feel better about your situation, I can totally understand how ill
health will put you in a negative mindset 💐

It is too late for me now.

@Dollyfloss I actually know someone who used to be a zoo keeper.
I always thought "how fricking cool" but having watched "Secret Life of the Zoo" I now know the job involves a lot of poo cleaning 😂

I didn’t find the conversations I had with friends and fellow parents changed much when I went back to full time work after being a SAHM. Discussions about work tend to a general “how’s it going?” and about the practicalities of juggling with family life, school holidays etc, but not much more specific and in-depth unless it’s with someone working in the same industry.

I still find doing housework the best time to educate myself about politics and current affairs, because “busy hands, low concentration” tasks is the best time to listen to podcasts and radio 4. I need to deep clean my kitchen tomorrow on my day off tomorrow so I can get a handle on the US/Venezuela situation!

It's as if some people on here think stay-at-home-mum literally means they stay at home all the time! In actual fact, the SAH mums I know are hardly ever home. They have cleaners so tend to go out to get out of their way. Their social lives and interests are no different to when they were working - if anything, more varied because they have more time. It's all about the individual. If people can't imagine their lives without the routine of work, that's their problem.

Yes, the Jaffa cake saga amuses me too!

Oooh, what's the Jaffa cake saga?

It's a VAT thing.
McVites went to court over whether they are classed as a cake or a biscuit because the VAT is different.
It's better for them to be classed as a cake but the tax people said they were a biscuit.
Anyway they won and Jaffa Cakes are indeed a cake !!

Essential foods, which include cakes are zero rated for VAT. Chocolate covered biscuits are regarded as a luxury food and therefore have standard rated VAT at 20% on top of their cost. HMRC argued Jaffa cakes are chocolate covered biscuits.

The manufacturer said they are made with flour, eggs and sugar, and when they go stale, they get hard like cakes. When biscuits go stale, they go soft. The court agreed they have enough cake like qualities, to count as cakes - therefore there is no VAT on Jaffa cakes.

I think the jealousy comment is really a cop out. I’ve been a SAHM and working parent. My husband earns enough for me not to work and vice versa. I do love my job and he loves his. I now go into the office nearly every day as I love the atmosphere. My job is demanding but rewarding and I find it fun. I think the lottery comparison is a good one though and something to think about… if I won millions would I still work. I’m not sure but I know I would do something whether that be work or volunteering.

i didn’t find being a SAHM stressful or tiring (i have 3 DCs) but I did find myself bored a lot. And that’s just because I didn’t feel I was doing anything that was just for me (I don’t have any particular hobbies), so my work feels like mine. And I’m not sure even a large lottery win would be something that would make me give up working.

but that’s just me so we aren’t all jealous and some of us have the choice but choose to work. Both are fine choices or necessities.

i think SAHM get somewhat of a worse rep on here is because time and time again women are in very vulnerable and dangerous situations because they don’t have their ‘own’ money/stream of income or pension etc etc. they become reliant on one other person and it effectively backs them into a corner. Obviously this is an issue in their relationship but this seems to happen time and time again.

Didn't McVites turn up to court with an especially made massive 12 inch size Jaffa Cake to prove their point?
(why has this never been turned into a made for TV movie....😂)
Also love the fact cake is classed as essential food.