I know it’s not all men, but…

[Beguiledbeehive]

…is it all men?

My husband of 20 years has inspired this bitter outlook on life. I discovered he’s been a liar and a cheat since before we were married. Visiting brothels since his teens, cheating, sexting, extreme porn use, lying all that time. Married me, we had kids, we had what I believed and looked from the outside an ideal life.

I had no idea, literally none. And I am not a stupid person, I am not a pushover. I counted my blessings every day. Life was good… so I thought.

He showed himself to be a supportive loving husband and dad at every turn and I never suspected a thing. He nursed me through cancer, prayed for my recovery, he gave support to his family and mine through many difficult times. He was the friend you wanted on your side as he’d do anything to help.

Anyone who knows him thought he was loyal, reliable, would do anything for his family. Honestly he’s the last person you’d expect. He’s had us all fooled.

Which is what’s got me thinking, if he’s capable, is anyone? There are so many women on here who find out these awful things about their partners, who’d never expect it.
We all have friends, know people, learn about people who you think you know who shock you with their secret behaviour. And they’re only the ones we find out about. How many just never get caught?

I realise I’m scorned and bitter, but if I’d read this post a year ago I’d have thought “No, not my husband, never.” But here we are.

How do you ever trust again? I don’t think I could. I don’t think I want to. I had a boyfriend as a teen into early 20s who cheated but I thought that was young age behaviour. I was married to this man for over 20 years and it turns out I never really knew him. Everything we had was not enough. Why are (some?) men like this? And is it actually all of them? You think you know someone, but do you really?

Jesus Christ that is horrifying.

Horrifying that anybody would do it, but somebody who was so vocal about being the opposite? That’s wild. I can’t imagine living such a double life.

I don’t believe this is true. Those were two examples but you can use any site of your choosing (the comments section on Guardian articles even!) the difference is illuminating.

The whipped cream story 🤢 🤢

THIS!

I’ve found they can be the worst culprits. The more vocal someone is about detesting things; the more likley they are to be doing them (or want to be doing them).

He actually hates women. He admitted that to me. I think in his job, he gets a lot of women opening up to him about abuse. He talks at conferences with women who speak about tier abuse. He gets a sexual kick from hearing it.

It’s why I would never trust a male therapist. I’ve heard similar stories from their wives (I reached out to a lot of women for help when I found out, I was still fairly young and couldn’t process what was happening to my life). They had the same story - the men got a sexual kick from hearing a woman’s trauma.

Ah I see you cannot understand.

Absolutely agree.

Maybe my drop in oestrogen has opened my eyes 😂

Obviously he chose his career because of his predilections. A bit like priests/teachers who go into the church/school to abuse children. Sick.

Have I miss how op found out?

Hard to do that if you've had children together. It could impact them.

This is why I would never trust a man who calls himself a feminist. I’ve generally had successful relationships with quite “ unreconstructed “ men who have fairly traditional values. Yes, they think I am a mad feminist, yes, they might roll their eyes, but they have some kind of sense of duty towards the protection of women and children. It’s better( I hope) than the swirling darkness that seems to exist in “modern” men.

I agree - and actually the pathological liar/covert narc and all round nutter I mentioned earlier in the thread described himself as a feminist. I remember being really impressed that he knew who Kellie J Keen is.

Turned out he loathed women (or at least his behaviour suggested that!)

Recognising that men can compartmentalise and seperate sex from emotion is not the same as saying they can’t help it. It’s not making excuses for them and saying that it’s right .

They can help it. They aren’t overcome with urges they cannot control . But, in doing so they can still love their spouse. They think more of their own satisfaction than the well being of their spouse to do it , and that’s a whole other thing but I personally believe a lot of the time when they say it meant nothing it genuinely didn’t mean anything .

Not all men are staying with their wives because life is better , easier , they have kids etc.

A long time ago, I had a female boss who, in a candid discussion that was not work-related, said that "women should never tell men who they are dating or in a relationship with about any abuse they have received from previous men". Her thinking was that it could so easily in some way be used against them, no matter how nice this 'new' man may seem.

We are encouraged to be 'vulnerable' with partners.

The reality is that it is often a sadist's wet dream.

Her words have always stayed with me.

How did you find out that’s what he did with the prostitutes when he met with them ?

A smart woman, your old boss.

He told me. With glee. Also he was seeing one of the prostitutes as more of a girlfriend. She was very troubled and told me it all. Showed me things they had filmed. He was quite vicious when I found out - though our accountant, by accident.

I kept my mouth shut and he let me walk away with our young son with no argument or any custody battle or discussion. It was made clear that if I opened my mouth to anyone, he would have made that very difficult.

He was my wonderful loving husband one day to a monster I didn’t recognise overnight. There were zero signs.

Absolutely.

This was a conversation I had with her after the breakdown of my own marriage (which she knew nothing about). I really wish I had someone tell me this earlier in life. But it's never too late to hear this stuff. I think these threads are so useful because there may be a woman reading through who can learn, and then realise she must get out of a shit situation sooner rather than later

I think as women, when we meet someone new, although they may be 'new to us', they are not necessarily new to manipulation - and they could be a partner, a mentor, a friend, a neighbour, a boss, anyone.

Being vulnerable with a man is high risk.

Jesus PP .
That’s absolutely shocking .

I’m so sorry @Beguiledbeehive, how awful. I do believe it’s a large minority, if not a majority of men, who will do anything to satisfy their sexual desires. Recently research in Australia found 15% of men admitted to a sexual interest in under 18s. Add on the % of men who are willing to exploit adult women - not tiny numbers at all.

Yes it is. When I think about the worst times I had with men it was always when I was vulnerable in some way. Always. The men who turned up then were the worst kind.

Oddly, once I improved my life, these men disappeared.

The whipped cream story is awful.

I’m always amazed (disgusted) at how willing men are to engage in really intimate sex acts with complete strangers / sex workers.

Why would anybody want to lick a strangers arsehole? I don’t think I know any women who would do this, but I dread to think what percentage of men I know would be up for this.

Well said

Yep, my thoughts too I’m afraid.