I know it’s not all men, but…

[Beguiledbeehive]

…is it all men?

My husband of 20 years has inspired this bitter outlook on life. I discovered he’s been a liar and a cheat since before we were married. Visiting brothels since his teens, cheating, sexting, extreme porn use, lying all that time. Married me, we had kids, we had what I believed and looked from the outside an ideal life.

I had no idea, literally none. And I am not a stupid person, I am not a pushover. I counted my blessings every day. Life was good… so I thought.

He showed himself to be a supportive loving husband and dad at every turn and I never suspected a thing. He nursed me through cancer, prayed for my recovery, he gave support to his family and mine through many difficult times. He was the friend you wanted on your side as he’d do anything to help.

Anyone who knows him thought he was loyal, reliable, would do anything for his family. Honestly he’s the last person you’d expect. He’s had us all fooled.

Which is what’s got me thinking, if he’s capable, is anyone? There are so many women on here who find out these awful things about their partners, who’d never expect it.
We all have friends, know people, learn about people who you think you know who shock you with their secret behaviour. And they’re only the ones we find out about. How many just never get caught?

I realise I’m scorned and bitter, but if I’d read this post a year ago I’d have thought “No, not my husband, never.” But here we are.

How do you ever trust again? I don’t think I could. I don’t think I want to. I had a boyfriend as a teen into early 20s who cheated but I thought that was young age behaviour. I was married to this man for over 20 years and it turns out I never really knew him. Everything we had was not enough. Why are (some?) men like this? And is it actually all of them? You think you know someone, but do you really?

Men who love their spouses don’t shag around.

They say they love their wives when found out because they want to stay married as it serves them to stay with their live-in maid or whatever benefits having a wife affords them.

But they don’t love them.

Really sorry to read this OP. 😞

DH is too tired to shag anyone else, he struggles with fatigue due to depression. I got a good one. It's honestly just down to luck. I could have easily been in your situation.

Most men are just fucking awful in one way or another. Not all but most.

It’s definitely easier for women but a lot easier for men than they like to pretend.

Also the orgasm gap makes casual hook-ups far less interesting for woman than for men (unless she is a woman who has sex with women.

Im so sorry OP. I really really don’t trust men in general either. I have one, and ostensibly he’s a good one, but I checked his phone for years behind his back ( he knows this now) because no way was I getting involved with someone who would turn out to be a wrong un.
He may still, he might be fooling me the same as yours fooled you. I hope not.
Yes, women do cheat. I also find monogamy a bit weird and could, if I chose, quite easily compartmentalise sex as removed from a loving relationship. But I don’t because I have empathy and would never want to inflict pain on a loved one.
I think a large number of men just put their own selfish desires front and centre and can’t quite conceive of other humans as fully real, with real
feelings.
You only have to look at the astonishing number of men who appear to be committed fathers, yet ditch their children when the second family comes along.
We can only go about our lives with one eye open at all times. I do know that if my man does turn out to be a bad one I won’t ever seek out another.

Good point

I’m so sorry OP. How absolutely devastating.

I must admit, the Gisele Pelicot case did make me think ‘Maybe it really is ALL men. Every single one.’

I hope it isn’t, cause I have a DH who I (think I can) trust, and I have a DS who I love to bits. I had a wonderful Dad who I completely trusted- I grew up assuming all men would be like him. I’d be heartbroken if any of them turned out to be not what I thought.

The cheating doesn’t shock me at all but I was always surprised how many of DH’s and also my ex’s friends tried it on with me, they don’t seem to have much loyalty to each other, let alone their own wives/ girlfriends.

Gisele Pelicot made you think all men are rapists? A bit extreme.

Sorry- I realise my comment is more centred around sexual violence against women rather than infidelity. But it’s just another of the ways in which men- as a group- are deeply problematic.

Wait.. you think the reaction to the Pelicot case is what’s extreme…?

@Gahr It didn’t make me think that. It made me wonder how many men would join in with things like that. Given most of the rapists lived in this unremarkable, fairly rural part of France. It would be naïve to think there was something particularly odd or dangerous about this specific group of men. Rather that they’re fairly representative of men as a whole (especially given that we have now heard of similar cases in Germany and the UK- clearly it is not something that can just be pinned on French men).

Not all of the men accepted Mr Pelicot’s invitation of course. But how many of those contacted the police? None, as far as I know.

I think that extrapolating that all men are rapist scum from one very shocking and disgusting case is extreme, yes.

This was my Dad.

My Mum was blind sided- she had no idea.

I was horrified.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

I hope you reach some acceptance soon. Please seek therapy at some point 😊

Certainly more than we’d like to think. Look at the fact that within a geographically relatively small area so many men were happy to rape an unconscious woman. Shouldn’t it be implausable that a person would find one or 2 omen willing to commit such a heinous act let alone 50.

It’s a good job that’s not what I said then.

There was a Telegram group of 70,000 men that got shut down. It was a group for men to discuss how to drug and assault women. In this group the men uploaded images, videos, and live streams of their assaults on their wives, girlfriends, mothers, daughters, and other women. There's an article in the Telegraph (and other places) about this.

In 2025, "My Wife" or "Mia Moglie" was shut down on Facebook. 30,000 men in this one group. All uploading images of their intimate partners. The women did not consent; they did not know.

Re the Telegram group - this was just one of many. This particular group contained 70k men. There were other groups on this platform.

You may want to re-think your comment about "one very shocking and disgusting case". Because clearly, this is not an isolated incident.

I suggest you start listening to women and believing us.

OP: Like so many others here on this thread, we hear you, and we feel the same. So many of us have had horrendous experiences. It can be the loneliest place in the world when we make these discoveries and realise that what we believed to be true was an absolute shambles. I don't have the energy to write more, but woman to woman, love to you, OP.

And as women, we absolutely are capable of love. I don't believe men truly love - other than themselves and their own wet dicks.

I am a woman!

I was not surprised. Except one time when my friend went to the kitchen and her husband made a pass at me. Cheeky bastard.

I don’t think it’s all men, but it is an awful lot more of them than most people admit.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this hell. What a disgusting piece of human garbage he is.

Oh dear. Well, hopefully you have learned something.

God it's depressing that these threads always attract the men whose very first priority is to defend the reputation of men and give zero shits whatsoever about women and girls who are trafficked for sex, cheated on, abused & otherwise exploited.

None of that matters - it's all NAMALT, and I am one of the Good Guys (and also don't deceive yourselves, ladies, lots of women are abusive sluts!) and that is the one and only hill to die on.

There are cheats & there are People who would never dream of cheating.
Different types of cheaters.
Your husband is the type who would never leave his wife in a million years .
Loves his life with you & the kids .
However loves women & sex, & so it’s his escape from his normal life.
It’s wanting the best of both worlds so he goes out & gets what he wants .
I personally believe these people are very cold Individuals, hence doing what he does, comes in , sits & eats with his family, completely normal , like you said you’d never suspect a thing .
Zero emotional attachment to anyone he sleeps with .
Nothing other than sex to him .

I’m sure you must be reeling, the man you believed you knew better than anyone is actually a stranger .x

So sorry OP, it is a horrible existential crisis to end up in. I had similar with ex, together 30 years in total, 2 kids, built an entire life together from nothing. All that time he was having affairs at work. Looking back now I can see patterns of behaviour that indicate when an affair was happening (he was feeling particularly chipper, or sorry for himself that he had to do boring kid stuff), but only because circumstances mean he had to tell me about two of the women so I recognise signs now that I totally misread.

Now I think of course it was obvious something was going on, but at the time it didnt enter my head. I thought he was just obsessive about his work, that all we had meant too much for him to ever do that. And he wasn't 'the type', friends and family totally shocked when it all came out.

I don't know how many men do it/would if they had the chance. But the level of deception, organisation, secrecy, skills that the cheaters put into their game could change the fucking planet if they redirected all that to something good.

Arseholes.

You're a markedly better person and always will be. That's a truth you can hold onto.

Tbh, I agree that men can compartmentalise. Much more than women do. Having an affair for a man (or woman) doesn't necessarily mean they don't love their spouse.

Cheating isn't as simple as that for everyone and whilst a lot of people can't understand our can't comprehend how you can say your love you spouse and cheat...it's not the same for everyone.

I'm not saying it's right.