I'm going mad. Maybe

[AnonyMouse33]

Husband went to friends house and got in hot tub and was joined by three women. All above board but I'm upset that it's inappropriate and obviously I wasnt there.
For context, we're a Christian family and this just got to me, as I would never put myself in this position I would be so worried that it would be insensitive and inappropriate. He doesn't agree with me at all, though he's apologised.

Is this unreasonable? He said most people would be totally fine with it?

Well you are both Christians with high ideals correct?

No not at all. I’m saying that everyone has their own rules and customs and it’s not for anyone here to agree or not agree with yours. If this doesn’t work for you, fair enough. But you seem to be implying it is inherently problematic like as an absolute. There is both nothing wrong with another man being in a hot tub AND a problem with ‘your’ husband being in a hot tub as it doesn’t fit within your marriage agreement.

Did he respect the women in the hot tub?

I wouldn't be upset if dh was in a similar situation, though I would be surprised as at parties he tends to be found in a crowd of beer-drinking men earnestly discussing the world cup draw or super bowl like a group of complete stereotypes!

I am not a Christian though was raised in a quite strict church environment. Do you have male friends who aren't your dh and does he have female friends? I ask because some of my school friends who are still Christian have strict rules about friendship with members of the opposite sex

Of course they don't have to agree. But is it respectful? To use another example, there's nothing wrong with eating a ham sandwich, but if I knew you were kosher I wouldn't dream of eating it in front of you.
My standard would be totally different to you, but as a courtesy I would meet yours to not cause offence.

Why is everyone jumping on the Christianity thing and running down OP’s religion? It’s so disrespectful.

The context of OP being part of a religious family is relevant in that it explains why she is finding it so uncomfortable to get her head around as it’s not in keeping with their conservative lifestyle. But to start running down that religion and her entire belief system is just being nasty for the sake of it.

Of course you can eat a ham sandwich in front of a Jewish person. It would be disrespectful to do it in their own house, as their kitchen would no longer be kosher, but it would be perfectly OK to eat it at work etc.

but what is the disrespect of going in a hot tub?

(and yes - I eat whatever I want in front of my parents. Their house, their rules. My house, mine.)

Hahahaaaa

Because she can't explain exactly what is so bad about the hot tub incident. Why she finds it so disrespectful. Apart from saying she's a Christian, that is.

You do you
Other people have different opinions
But how you got from me not feeling comfortable to an 'orgy'
Just shows ur state of mind so that's on you lol

But that is complete bollocks.

You think because you are Christian that you should live up to a higher standard than everyone else which means you think you are above everyone else because you are Christian and have a holier-than-thou attitude.

Having strong moral values does not separate Christians from non-Christians. For example my husband and I believe strongly in the virtues of marriage and we have not slept with anyone else in our whole lives except each other. We also regularly give to charity, help people and animals in need, and I work as a paediatric nurse so I am helping sick children and babies every day of my working life. Both of us are atheists.

It's not disrespectful to eat ham in the presence of Jewish, Muslim or vegetarian people, come to that.

It's not disrespectful of your spouse to sit in a hot tub with other people at a party. It would only be disrespectful if that spouse had talked about it beforehand and articulated that this was something completely unacceptable to him/her.

It's just a small pool. No one is getting naked or behaving inappropriately.

In a Conservative Christian family it would be unusual to socialise in this way. The intimate environment, lack of balance by other males participating, alcohol, blurred boundaries, lack of modesty. All problematic in a Christian context.
I've not said it's wrong anywhere, but it is different to how we would typically socialise. He, for example, wouldn't be happy if the roles were reversed.

And for those asking where I was... I was at home, looking after our kids.

So your husband was drinking? Or were the women drinking? You aren't keen on bikinis, you think he might have misbehaved, and he would create if you did it? Is that a fair summing up?

Well then that’s your answer. It’s not the way your relationship works and therefore it’s disrespectful ‘to you’. It’s not disrespectful to anyone else and no one has to agree with you about it. I feel like you posted here to get some sort of general agreement that most people would find this equally problematic. Most people wouldn’t (on here anyway) but that doesn’t matter at all.

So yes - if he’s out there doing something that doesn’t fit with your relationship and (this is critical to me) that he wouldn’t want you doing that’s a problem.

He probably didn’t know he’d be the only bloke if he got in first. He probably just fancied trying a hot tub at a gathering where it was offered.
Tell him you’d rather he didn’t next time, and move on.

Because you were going on about bikinis, and hot tubs being intimate. They aren't. It's at a party, lots of people milling around chatting, probably music. It's the antithesis of "intimate" when you're part of a crowd of people.

It's quite fun being in a warm pool when it's cold out. My neighbour's 6 and 9 year olds are in their hot tub every weekend and have a great time.

Wine ?

Pretty sure but stand corrected, the op hasn't mentioned bikinis, or any detail really as the concern has been unfairly derailed because kd the Christian marriage detail. Lots of people in an marriage might not like this. I can say I don't think I'd mind but I don't know. If I did it I'd be quite happy that it is innocent but husband may not be 100% comfortable (but it would be my decision).
As others have said- was it a plan? What was he wearing? Were they known people just chatting? Plenty of my non-Christian friends would not like this.

You think because you are Christian that you should live up to a higher standard than everyone else which means you think you are above everyone else because you are Christian and have a holier-than-thou attitude.

No. Yes I try to live up to a high standard (and often fail) but that doesn't mean I think I'm above everyone else. I think it makes it far harder, actually. I am baffled why you think Christians believe they're 'above everyone else' or 'holier than thou'. I think I'm a sinner and in desperate need of redemption and forgiveness. I'm not worthy to even be saved by Christ. That's how 'above everyone else' I feel.

Having strong moral values does not separate Christians from non-Christians.

Belief in the life-saving sacrifice of Christ does, however.

Why, though? Why is it problematic? You’re stating all this in an ‘it just is’ sort of way. But, you’ve presumably thought it all through and have reasons for believing what you believe. So, why?

He, for example, wouldn't be happy if the roles were reversed.

That would be the biggest problem.

Surely a thing is either acceptable or it isn't?

But that is no excuse for mocking or insulting her religion, which is what a lot of PP’s are doing.

Would you have found it easier to understand that her religion plays a part in why she finds it so unacceptable if she were Muslim or Mormon?