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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I'm going mad. Maybe

299 replies

AnonyMouse33 · 04/01/2026 22:57

Husband went to friends house and got in hot tub and was joined by three women. All above board but I'm upset that it's inappropriate and obviously I wasnt there.
For context, we're a Christian family and this just got to me, as I would never put myself in this position I would be so worried that it would be insensitive and inappropriate. He doesn't agree with me at all, though he's apologised.

Is this unreasonable? He said most people would be totally fine with it?

OP posts:
EatShitDel · 06/01/2026 01:11

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DallazMajor · 06/01/2026 01:12

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Ok tell me one thing I’ve said on this thread that makes me a bigot.

EatShitDel · 06/01/2026 01:25

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DallazMajor · 06/01/2026 01:37

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You tagged me in a post and started insulting me. Of course I’m responding. Isn’t that why people use the “quote” function. You clearly think I have said things on this thread which I haven’t.

Feel free to reply with more ironic ramblings.

ThatBlackCat · 06/01/2026 01:38

I voted YABU because you dragged religion into it. What does you being a Christian have to do with anything? Are you suggesting that it would be ok with non-Christians or Atheists? You sound very extreme. To the extent that you have no idea how you come across to normal people.

Barbluddyhumbug · 06/01/2026 08:54

I still want to know what the DH wore in the hot tub. If he pre-packed his swimmies and didn’t tell OP then that’s something he deliberately kept from her. If he did tell Op and she was fine with the concept of him using the hot tub then it is the women issue.

I moved into a house and the previous owners left their hot tub which we disposed of immediately. We had a NYE party at our house so I am now imagining that we had kept the hot tub and DH got into it with 3 women from the party. TBH I wouldn’t be happy. I would have preferred another man in there to balance things. Alternatively, if one of our guest came on his own because his wife was at home babysitting their 5 children and he got into the tub with 3 other women then I would raise an eyebrow. It’s interesting to note that no other men wanted to go into the hot tub at all.

Swiftie1878 · 06/01/2026 09:20

So you (both) have very high standards, and you feel he didn’t live up to those standards when he got in the hot tub with three women - it’s not the image of your marriage you wish to be portrayed.

I don’t think anyone here can really help you. Some will find no problem with what he did, but you’d say their standards are probably not as high as yours.
Some will agree with you, but it still won’t change what happened or the fact that your DH (the only person who really matters to you) doesn’t agree - although you suggest he wouldn’t have been happy if roles were reversed? Are you in a trad marriage?

Anyway, good luck! It’s a strange little dilemma you find yourself in!

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 06/01/2026 12:59

Hi all,
Thanks to those who reported the ill feeling on this thread, we have made several deletions. To the OP, if you would rather this thread were moved to the Relationships board, we would happily do that for you. Just report this post and we will do that for you.
Best, and a happy and blessed 2026 to us all!

WinterWooliesBaa · 07/01/2026 02:24

Interpink · 05/01/2026 00:43

Well, one of them is a filthy sex pond.

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🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

WinterWooliesBaa · 07/01/2026 02:26

Interpink · 05/01/2026 00:46

What’s the point of getting into a hot tub with no water in it?

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Oh you're hilarious.

not

Katflapkit · 07/01/2026 02:54

Vaguelyclassical · 04/01/2026 23:04

How is Christianity relevant? I cannot remember that Christ had anything to say against hot tubs.

Maybe he's the local Vicar

PollyBell · 07/01/2026 03:52

Katflapkit · 07/01/2026 02:54

Maybe he's the local Vicar

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Oh saucy! or not as the case may be

SweetnsourNZ · 07/01/2026 03:58

Namechangefor2026 · 04/01/2026 23:28

Tbh i wouldn’t have trusted my ex h in a hot tub with 3 women but he’s a different kettle of fish.

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And obviously why he's your ex. Lol

SweetnsourNZ · 07/01/2026 04:01

It wouldn't bother me. As for image that's probably only important if he was running for governor of a Bible belt state or something and it got in the press.
It sounds like he was with a bunch of friends and they were all around so no big deal.

SweetnsourNZ · 07/01/2026 04:07

peacefulpeach · 05/01/2026 00:19

No YANBU and also no, I’m pretty sure most women wouldn’t be ok with their husband sharing a hot tub with 3 random (?) women, at a party.

What did he wear? Had he taken his swimming trunks in anticipation? Did he just jump in like a puppy, in his boxers? Were they wearing bikinis/ costumes or their underwear? What I’m getting at is was it planned. It’s a bit weird all round. Why was he the only man who went in? Did he come home in soggy undies? Etc

Hope not. Most people I have known with hot tubs have spare bathing clothes and towels for impromptu use by visitors.

thepariscrimefiles · 07/01/2026 04:14

AnonyMouse33 · 05/01/2026 13:05

In a Conservative Christian family it would be unusual to socialise in this way. The intimate environment, lack of balance by other males participating, alcohol, blurred boundaries, lack of modesty. All problematic in a Christian context.
I've not said it's wrong anywhere, but it is different to how we would typically socialise. He, for example, wouldn't be happy if the roles were reversed.

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'He, for example, wouldn't be happy if the roles were reversed.'

This is just one example of the hypocricy of Conservative Christians in relation to sexual behaviour.

Surely the expectation should be that Conservative Christians would never commit sexual or any other crimes but one only has to see the large number of (male) Conservative Christians in the USA being found guilty of rape, sexual assault, Child Sexual Abuse, fraud and theft to know that Conservative Christians are no more moral and law abiding than people from other religions and none.

SweetnsourNZ · 07/01/2026 04:16

StopBothering · 05/01/2026 00:58

It's my opinion and I am not asking you or anyone else to agree.

I absolutely believe that when women say they are fine with this sort of behaviour from a man, they are trying really hard to be OK with it, working hard to convince themselves it's all fine, or have become used to this way of thinking because it's 'easier'... Or just genuinely naive. Etc.

I have been there... "the cool girl". It bit me on the backside many, many times.

Ultimately, I no longer see this sort of behaviour to be appropriate from a man in a monogamous relationship or marriage. A rare diamond of a man will not do this.

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I would have no problem with it if I trusted my husband, the risk that would worry me would be if he ended up being falsely accused of something by a women he didn't know well. Especially if there was alcohol/drugs at the party. Sounds like a situation where you had to be there to judge anyway.

SweetnsourNZ · 07/01/2026 04:56

MumofOne28 · 05/01/2026 10:08

For context my Pastor will not travel alone in a car with another women that is not his wife so i do feel that christian martial boundaries should be higher. I wonder if in this instance that there are a few people around and it may have not known that he would be the only male in the hot tub it is not too much of a concern. I would talk to him and pray over it together, try and forgive and move on. Try not to let offence take a root here.

Could be for his protection against rumors etc too.

SweetnsourNZ · 07/01/2026 05:00

GentleSheep · 05/01/2026 10:15

OP is correct. When we state we are Christians we are not saying we are better than everyone else - we are stating we have realised our innate sinfulness and through the Grace of God and the blood of Jesus Christ we are now redeemed and are moving forward towards sanctification. We aren't perfect by any means and get tempted to sin just like everyone else.

Are our morals different? Yes they should be. We are called to a higher standard. This puts us at odds with secular society as you can plainly see by some of the replies in this thread. This doesn't mean we think we're better, we are attempting to live Christ-like lives in a sinful world. That means we end up facing dilemmas and situations such as the OP and her DH and it can mean life is more difficult as we attempt to resolve these situations in a way that upholds our Christian values. As a pp said, 'there's nothing in the Bible about Jesus and hot tubs' - no there isn't, but there are moral values about modesty.

You will find amoral and abusive men (and women!) everywhere, despite what their 'faith' may be (I highly doubt those people are actually saved Christians, or if they are then they've fallen spectacularly). This is highly problematic for the Church, but don't judge all Christians by their abhorrent behaviour.

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It's the phrase higher standard that gets to people. Many people who are not Christians have high standards. Maybe different standards would sound less condensending.

SweetnsourNZ · 07/01/2026 05:06

BestZebbie · 05/01/2026 10:42

Isn't that about protecting himself and his reputation as a community leader too - like how Scout leaders aren't supposed to ever be alone (out of sight) with a young person.
Vicars and priests do traditionally often attract 'hangers-on' (even if this is more a needy fan relationship than a sexual one), good to have strong boundaries to point to, to protect his personal space.

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Yes, and to protect the reputation of the woman in question. Plenty of women feel uncomfortable in an enclosed space with a male such as a lift or car. He is showing consideration for that.

SweetnsourNZ · 07/01/2026 05:12

AnonyMouse33 · 05/01/2026 11:29

Wrong. I'm happy to hear other perspectives, hence the post.
What is irritating and unfair is being told that I think I'm better than other people because of my faith. Not once did I say that or even think it.

Everyone has standards and boundaries for all areas of life, whether they admit it or not, where mine fall doesn't have to automatically offend others by comparison.

It's genuinely fascinating to see how triggering this post is for people who claim each to their own.

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Another thing to consider OP is how you view hot tubs. Somebody who has grown up with one in the house and is used to seeing various people in them would have a totally different outlook to someone who only sees them in movies.
Maybe have a chat to your vicar/pastor together for some clarity moving forward.

PollyBell · 07/01/2026 05:13

SweetnsourNZ · 07/01/2026 05:06

Yes, and to protect the reputation of the woman in question. Plenty of women feel uncomfortable in an enclosed space with a male such as a lift or car. He is showing consideration for that.

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Protect the reputation of the women? are we still in Victorian times, maybe there should be a modesty screen in case their ankles are shown

GentleSheep · 07/01/2026 06:34

SweetnsourNZ · 07/01/2026 05:00

It's the phrase higher standard that gets to people. Many people who are not Christians have high standards. Maybe different standards would sound less condensending.

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Thanks for pointing that out - I will re-think how I phrase things. It certainly wasn't meant to be condescending, but you're right, re-reading it, could be taken that way.

loislovesstewie · 07/01/2026 09:54

PollyBell · 07/01/2026 05:13

Protect the reputation of the women? are we still in Victorian times, maybe there should be a modesty screen in case their ankles are shown

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My reputation is shot to pieces then! 😊

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