I'm going mad. Maybe

[AnonyMouse33]

Husband went to friends house and got in hot tub and was joined by three women. All above board but I'm upset that it's inappropriate and obviously I wasnt there.
For context, we're a Christian family and this just got to me, as I would never put myself in this position I would be so worried that it would be insensitive and inappropriate. He doesn't agree with me at all, though he's apologised.

Is this unreasonable? He said most people would be totally fine with it?

I asked several times what the problem was. I mean was she jealous, did she think he had behaved inappropriately with the women, were they getting drunk. FWIW I find people who are intensely religious, no matter what that religion might be, to often be very quite insufferable. Many are absolutely certain that only their way is the right way.

All those religions seem to work on the same principle that women must be covered for “modesty”. But it not because of the women’s virtue it’s because the men cannot otherwise be trusted to keep their hands off. Maybe they should be teaching men to behave themselves!

But it’s not like children playing, is it? Would most women really be happy to know that their other half was cavorting in a hot tub with three other women at a party. Sounds inappropriate to me. I bet they’d take a dim view of it!

No one said cavorting lol. If my husband got into a hot tub with 3 women and had a beer and a soak and got out I wouldn’t care. If he got into a hot tub with 3 naked women and ‘cavorted’ I’d care more.

Isn't it a bit odd that a man who is, apparently, a conservative Christian would go to a party and in your words 'cavort' in a hot tub? Perhaps he's not. As I said, I would have seen nothing wrong with my husband doing it as he was always described by his female friends as being a perfect gentleman.

Implicit in saying "We are a Christian family" is a sense of moral superiority. "We could never do this, other people would." Nonsense. And the noun Christian can be replaced with many other religions. Same thing.

I find this whole thread a little strange. Op you haven't really answered the question, is it the fact that you are a Christian family and so being close to someone of the opposite sex in swimwear is an issue. Or is it just the fact your husband was close to women in swimwear irrespective or your beliefs.

I don't see an issue personally, if your husband went swimming in a pool he could be stood next to a woman. If he was sat on a beach he could be. I personally am a man and have sat in a hotel hot tub with 2 female colleagues from work, we were the only people in the pool area, we did nothing inappropriate, except talk about work.

Do you believe that being Christian precludes you from having fun and talking to people of the opposite sex? Do you need to consider that your response might be inappropriate in the 21st century?

Exactly. I have stayed in ski chalets with hot tubs. Nothing better than jumping in a hot tub with a cold beer after a day on the slopes to ease off the aching muscles. And yes, sometimes that involves relative strangers. At no point has the presence of someone I only met that day been remotely of interest other than which runs they had been on and how they were finding the snow conditions.

Some hot tubs are also quite large. Ours is supposedly 12 person capacity. It would definitely be quite snug if you did have 12 in it. It wouldn't be very private or intimate though. A group of 4 has plenty of space to not have to be anywhere near each other!

Who on earth had them 'cavorting'?

It's a party, guests were invited in advance to bring swimsuits if they wanted to try the hot tub. So OP's husband had a soak in the hot tub, presumably with a drink (hopefully in a plastic cup for safety) and presumably chatting to other people.

'Cavorting' for heaven's sake. It's not a Carry On film

Disagree. It's not morally superior to hold different boundaries based on personal beliefs unless I was critical or judging others - neither of which I've done.

I could equally say that someone of no faith believes/acts like they are morally superior because they don't believe in sin to begin with.

My issue is the disparity between my husbands actions not aligning with our typical views.

Do better or just move on? That's not very loving and Christian is it.

Maybe his views aren't the same as yours.
And you are judging him.

Then say it. Don't leave "Christian" hanging out there as if that word sums up the universe. The word means different things to different people. The Salem Witch Trials were run by Christians,

Biggest bunch of holier than thou hypocrites in the whole world are self-righteous Christians.

Thanks for this, i can see you tried your best. Your final paragraph gives you away.

Well that’s again a you problem. Your ‘typical’ views are yours - getting it all wrapped up into your religion isn’t fair as not all Christians think the same. So you can’t say these are or aren’t Christian values - you can say they aren’t your values and this situation with your husband is unexpected and odd and unsettling, but it doesn’t really have anything to do with your religion.

There’s a saying my mom uses a lot ‘there’s as many kinds of Judaism as there are Jews’ so to say that no one is representative and no one person is right (or wrong!) and this of course can be used for any other religion (or other defining characteristic). You keep saying that of course this is inappropriate as you’re Christian’s and I still have no idea what you mean by that.

I think my views/faith enhance the issue but clearly as the poll suggests, the majority of people here would have an issue with their spouse acting in this way.
So it's not really a 'me problem' as you put it...

I think you’re getting jumped on for saying you’re Christian.

If my DH came home saying he’d got in a hot tub with three woman, I’d probably not be happy because it would be out of character for him.

We are not Christian, didn’t wait to be married or anything. But he’s just not that sort of person and so I would wonder what had motivated him to act out of character.

So non-Christians wouldn’t mind their husband cheating? 🤣🤣 I think you will find that they do! But this was just sitting in a hot tub chatting, wasn’t it?

Why are you,and other posters mocking OP? Would you mock someone who was Muslim or is it just Christians who are fair game?

In my opinion, the appropriateness or lack thereof would totally depend on what was happening in your DH's brain. Or whether the women were prancing around in thong bikinis and he chose to join them. These situations are usually more boring in real life than the torturous images that our brain conjures up.

Why are you being so rude to people? It's not very Christian behaviour is it?

I don't think it's so rude to be a bit sarcastic? Really?
Have you seen anything that's been said/implied about me, and you're calling out a bit of a sarcastic response!

From my reading the Christian part is relevant because they believe that people are inherently sinful and need restrictions not to sin (ie not getting in the hot tub or in a car with a woman). Whereas a non believer isn't thinking about sin at all and is just enjoying a relax and a chat in the hot tub.