I'm going mad. Maybe

[AnonyMouse33]

Husband went to friends house and got in hot tub and was joined by three women. All above board but I'm upset that it's inappropriate and obviously I wasnt there.
For context, we're a Christian family and this just got to me, as I would never put myself in this position I would be so worried that it would be insensitive and inappropriate. He doesn't agree with me at all, though he's apologised.

Is this unreasonable? He said most people would be totally fine with it?

We don't have to work on it, been happily married 15 years with 5 kids, and generally agree on everything.... hence why this is out of the ball park.

Are you jealous? Threatened? No trust?

I feel like it's different when you're socialising as opposed to random strangers who you'd ignore...

I can trust him but still feel like it's inappropriate regardless of whether anything happens.
I just feel disrespected because I know that for me, I wouldn't feel that its appropriate.

I asked why shes so sure I can trust him to point out the absurdity of saying that I'm, being 'very very unreasonable ' as she's sure I can trust him.
'She' being someone who doesn't know anything about him in a wider context.

But you used the word ‘prioritise’. Why do you need to prioritise it? Marriage for me is amazing, I love and trust my husband and he does me. We don’t need to prioritise things, it’s just natural. I’m not really sure what he’s done wrong? A hot tub sounds a bit of a novelty (I don’t know many people that have one), why wouldn’t you want to have a go?

Hahahahahahhahah

We've always prioritised it over friends/socialising/hobbies etc.
We do what works for us and take account of how the other feels or might feel about any given scenario...
Not to say those other things aren't important but that they come second.

I'm surprised that people are fine with this.
It's nothing like a swimming pool.
They're very intimate and rather small.
I think you should ask him if he would be happy if you got in a jacuzzi with 3 men, and perhaps wearing a bikini too?
No, just no.

Maybe it isn't christian to feel jealousy and mistrust about a partner and you are disappointed in yourself more than him?

As an aside, if he got into the hottub with three elderly women, would it bother you as much?

So he went to party without you and you didn’t want him to? And now you feel he’s prioritised a party when you wanted him at home? So not really anything to do with the hot tub?

Um no. Try again!

You are measuring him by your standards - he clearly didn't think it was inappropriate or disrespectful, I presume because nothing untoward happened.

Sometimes people do things that may disappoint us. That's life. We cannot control other people, what they do or what they say, only control we have is how we react to them. All you can do is tell him what he did upset you and hopefully he will not want to upset you again by repeating it.

Christians don't do hot tubs?

Umm, I don't 🤔 nk that's correct.

Oh, was he naked? Is that it?

I think people are nit picking your words OP so don’t engage with it.

I wouldn’t be fine with this either.
At best it shows a disregard for your feelings. It isn’t a stretch for him to think his wife might not be happy with such a situation.

Nothing to do about it now though except keep an eye that he doesn’t push the boundaries again.
Could just be stupidity, could be more wilful.

Hi OP, it probably wasn’t a good idea to mention your Christianity - it always attracts snarky/unhelpful comments in this type of context.

Based on my own understanding of Scripture I don’t think what your husband did was necessarily wrong but I do think it was probably unwise.

You might be able to trust each other but stuff like this could prove a stumbling block to another Christian couple who are less secure or who have a weaker faith (“It’s fine - AnonyMouse33’s DH did it and they’re Christians too!”)

I think this kind of thing can also send some pretty mixed messages to non-believers as well.

To be honest, I don’t think either me or my DH would put ourselves in this situation. It may be harmless in your DH’s case but better to stay on the safe side. 1 Corinthians 8:9 - just because something is allowed doesn’t mean it’s always a good idea.

I accept that I’m quite conservative though and that not all Christians will agree with me.

Clearly we have a difference of opinion on whether it's appropriate. But my question is whether it's unreasonable to have those standards?

You want to know if your standards are reasonable?

For you they are.

For him they aren’t.

Why post? You seem quite clear that you think his actions were inappropriate and your standards are correct. So what is it you wish to understand? If we all disagreed with you would it change your feelings?

Ok, so you see this as a step towards being unfaithful? Do you think he was aroused by it? Flirting?

Is this because of some weird belief that hot tubs really are sex ponds? Unless he is going to be touching people up, where is the issue with it?
I don't understand exactly what would be 'inappropriate'.

It wouldn't bother me, but I've never had a reason to distrust my dp.

I wouldn't accept my dp controlling my body, so I don't try to control his.

What did he wear whilst in the tub?

Apologies if I have got this wrong, but he went to a party with lots of people, the hot tub was made available and several people got in including your husband, but he was the only man. Is there any suggestion that there was canoodling in the hot tub?

If not, I would be tempted to laugh at him for being a dirty old man with a wink in your eye, but I would not be worried about your marriage. This was not a plan for him to have a trist with his lovers.

He should be more sensitive in future and you should suggest that in future he either keeps his trousers on or ensures there are at least two other men and more men than women in there before he gets in in future.

As a Christian I empathise with you. I would be incredibly hurt, regardless of whether anything happened. We are trained not to open the door to temptation by not taking that first step, well, he kept into a pool and then claimed he did nothing wrong. Maybe not in the worlds eyes, but then he’s made a commitment not to follow the worlds ways and to follow Christ instead.
and it’s not a swimming pool.
does he know these ladies?
do they know he was. Christian? They may even been getting a laugh at his expense.
sorry this has happened op

Its all down to trust and clearly you have trust issues