I'm going mad. Maybe

[AnonyMouse33]

Husband went to friends house and got in hot tub and was joined by three women. All above board but I'm upset that it's inappropriate and obviously I wasnt there.
For context, we're a Christian family and this just got to me, as I would never put myself in this position I would be so worried that it would be insensitive and inappropriate. He doesn't agree with me at all, though he's apologised.

Is this unreasonable? He said most people would be totally fine with it?

Again mocking her religion. Snarky remarks. Another PP called her an old fashioned Christian. How clever of you

This whole thread is ridiculous: Queen Victoria is dead.

It’s also highly offensive to the three women. There is zero evidence that any of them had the slightest interest in sexual activity with the OP’s husband. Assuming otherwise is atrociously misogynistic.

Yep. And there is not the tiniest chance they would be mocking her if she was Muslim, Hindu, Sikh or any other religion than Christian. Absolutely no chance at all.

I am an agnostic, but I don't feel the need to ridicule people's beliefs because I can make relevant comments and use logic and rational thinking in a discussion.

OP obviously gave her religion as context for her views on her marriage and their agreed to boundaries. These people mocking her are disrespectful cowards.

The three women don't know, don't care and are not offended at all.

The OPs views and marriage and relationship are not ridiculous. Asking people for opinions on mumsnet about something that disturbed her is not ridiculous.

Queen Elizabeth is also dead, and millions of people throughout the world have differing opinions on what is acceptable in a relationship up to and including the present day.

Hope this helps.

If it happened again, would he do it again?

I personally wouldn't be comfortable with this situation. There was always the options for him to decline or vacate sharply. Given your religious background also. I can see why you would find this upsetting OP.
Sometimes with men I find you have to say "how would you feel if I was the lone female in a hot tub with three men?", and see the penny drop.

Would he be OK if you were at a gathering without him and you got into a hot tub with three men?

If he wouldn't be fine with it, it's not OK for him to do the same.

I’m torn about this. I can see why you feel uncomfortable.

Did he take his swimming shorts knowing it was a hot tub party?

Was he just in the hot tub and three ladies got in one by one to enjoy the soak and they discussed world peace and politics?

Or, were three busty blondes in there and he dived right in the middle in his boxers hoping for frolics?

I don’t think there is a problem fundamentally with option 1. How did you come to know the details? Would you feel better if there was 2 men and 2 ladies?

It’s all circumstance and situation with this.

Well almost unanimously yes you are unreasonable.

you sound as though you have a stick up your arse tbh. Christian fatigue!

Well I would have one issue with the fact my husband wanted to sit in an environment of the feeling of wet urine in a germ infested petrie dish so would not think he is the smartest tool in the tool box

but you lost on me ''we'' you can speak for yourself but not him he chose to do this there was no ''we'' about it about from the wee in the hot tub

I am genuinely struggling to understand how he ended up in said hot tub without an element of prior planning (you need swimwear….) and how that didn’t involve some kind of natural conversation with you prior to going.

You know such as leaving the house with a bag, and you querying what the bag is for, or asking if you know where his swimming shorts have gone (and you asking why he needs them…) etc.

I just can’t quite envisage my husband going to someone’s house for a party, taking swimwear with him and that never having been mentioned in passing conversation in the build up to him leaving. Could it subconsciously be more along those lines that you actually feel uneasy? I couldn’t care less if my husband went to someone’s house and used their hot tub, but if that happened with me having no knowledge of the hot tub party in advance I think I would feel a bit strange about it, purely because I can’t quite see how he would have got to that point without me knowing, and so that would make me wonder if he had deliberately made sure I didn’t, or whether he was hiding something.

Honestly that’s the only possible explanation I can think of for you to feel uneasy as it’s just a hot tub. They’re not immoral, wicked or sinful. But that being said, I also just can’t envisage a situation where my husband ended up the only male getting in one at a party, he would rather stand around with his friends chatting. However, pre owning my own, I would definitely have hopped in with no other females just because I loved a hot tub so much, and there would have been nothing more to it. Maybe he just loves a hot tub….?!

All the blurb about being Christians etc is just nonsense (in the hot tub context, I am not saying the religion is nonsense but the correlation with incompatibility with Christianity if you get in a hot tub is just ridiculous). They’re not one of the deadly sins. However, another viewpoint worth considering is whether your (seemingly very strict) moral boundaries on what is and is not acceptable are actually your (singular) boundaries rather than your (plural) boundaries and perhaps your husband does nod along, pretends to share those views and then leans more towards letting his hair down when you’re not there - and you normally don’t hear about it. By letting his hair down I do not mean cheating, but your views seem very extreme - if a hot tub is seemingly immoral, what else is? There seems to be quite a strong discrepancy between your views here - you are shocked and appalled that he got in the hot tub, with a lot of background noise about your religion and morals and he clearly does not share those views because he….got in said hot tub.

A lot of Americans trot out Christianity as a catch-all for anything they personally find upsetting and don't like, up to and including defending hideous racism and misogyny.

They're not unreasonable standards to have for yourself. Clearly he has different ones.

You're not going to agree on everything, Christian or not. Is it likely to happen again? If not, I'd be inclined to chalk this up to one of those inevitable instances where your thinking doesn't align.

@AnonyMouse33 YANBU. My DH is getting dressed for work and I just casually asked him the question based on your scenario (we are also Christian with similar values to those you describe). I asked 'would you get in the hot tub?' He said 'No! There's no way I'm stripping down to my undies if you're not there. In fact, if I knew there was a hot tub and you weren't going to be there, I just wouldn't take stuff to get changed into. Even if you were there, if you weren't joining in I wouldn't be.'

Would you be happy for your husband to take a bath with a couple of other women? All the 'cool wives' chilling that hot tub temp so low even Wim Hof would give it a miss.

Agreed. It’s his reaction “everyone says it’s fiiiine” that is the worst bit.

I'm a (conservative) Christian and I agree with you OP. A hot tub is too intimate a setting to be in with the opposite sex. It can be entirely innocent but still, that should be the standard you aspire to, and you clearly do OP, but you've seen your husband has been more easily led.

People have asked, what if it had been a 70 yr old woman? It would be exactly the same, it's still too intimate a setting, also the 70 yr old may get out and then two 30 yr olds get in. Your DH said 'most people are absolutely fine with it'. Well, Christians aren't 'most people' - we're held to a higher standard, as you know. That's where his reasoning has gone askew, he's fallen for the secular world view. I think putting himself in that situation it was unwise, even if there's no more to be said than that.

OP i wouldn't be ok with i and would be really upset. It's a crass thing to do on his part.

I'm a member of a happy clappy church. Married 25 years. All the same values you hold.

I would not have a problem with DH using a hot tub with friends, male or female.

One of our single male friends has a hot tub, and he often has other friends, including the lead elder, round in the tub. It's used in the same way as the sofa's or dining table, in that it's a great place for a chat.

I think if he knew there would be a hot tub and took his swimwear then you should have possibly asked him about it then, discussing what you both would find acceptable. You didn't like him going in with 3 women, had it been reversed and you with 3 men would be have been ok with that.

Also I don't think you have said who the 3 women are and why you find it upsetting. Were they complete strangers? Were they friends of friends who you recognise but wouldn't know much about? Were they the host? I think you need to think whether it is him being with 3 women alone that is unsettling or whether there is more to it with who they were (e.g. as someone else put, if they are young and attractive compared to an older lady who you feel wouldn't be as attractive to him).

Haha this reminds me of my MIL not allowing FIL to have a massage with a female masseuse at a fancy hotel spa!! Bonkers. He’s mid 70’s and entirely unattractive yet somehow she thinks it’s a temptation 😂🙊 She was the OW 40 years ago so maybe he’s a secret lothario 😂

Your husband is unlikely to be attractive to other women. I think you need to work on your self confidence and trust issues.

Having read the thread it seems that he perhaps doesn't prioritise the same things as you OP which is disappointing.

You are not unreasonable to hold these standards for yourself.

Dont make the mistake of thinking whatever you want, he wants. It seems like his faith isn't as strong as yours.

the hot tub is a much more intimate space where he would be interacting with the three women. In a swimming pool people just swim up and down. Hot tubs are associated with “good times”.

OP said the host had told people about the hot tub and that people were welcome to use it at the party, so clearly guests had taken their swim suits.

OP also said her DH got in the hot tub and then three women did so, not that he'd entered the tub in order to sit with the women.

Hot tubs are lovely for for joints, I find them so good for my knees and lower back. They aren't all weird sex ponds, they are just nice soothing warm water.

It's only weird if you want to make it weird.

You feel how you feel. Was the party held at mutual friends? Had he taken trunks with him? If you had been at the party too would the pair of you have gone in the hot tub together?

Unless it's a very different kind of party to the ones you both, as conservative Christians, would attend then I am assuming the 3 women weren't all over him in the hot tub. So actually nothing happened that broke any wedding vows.

And that if it had been him and 2 male friends in the hot tub drinking a cold beer and talking about football you wouldn't be having any concerns.

You feel uncomfortable because your husband was in close proximity with 3 women and all of them were wearing very little clothing. That's ok, now you have told him it makes you uncomfortable and his response should be to reassure you that it was all above board but that he won't put himself in a position like that in future out of respect for you and your relationship.

If they were all naked that would be different and I would be really unhappy.