I'm going mad. Maybe

[AnonyMouse33]

Husband went to friends house and got in hot tub and was joined by three women. All above board but I'm upset that it's inappropriate and obviously I wasnt there.
For context, we're a Christian family and this just got to me, as I would never put myself in this position I would be so worried that it would be insensitive and inappropriate. He doesn't agree with me at all, though he's apologised.

Is this unreasonable? He said most people would be totally fine with it?

Have you asked him how he would feel if you went into a hot tub with 3 men?

I wouldn’t like it either tbh.

I assume he was in his boxers?

Hot tubs are different from swimming pools, it’s more intimate, you often end up brushing your legs on the other person etc.

I wouldn’t mind.

Were other people scandalised at what was going on?

What exactly is your issue with it - that he was semi naked with other people and was ogling them? That he was getting some sort of sexual kick from it?

That is extremely mean and unnecessary. But, I suppose whatever, if it makes you feel better....

OP, I think one big difference is who was in there first. If there were 3 women in the hot tub and your husband decided to join them, then is a bit weird and I understand your feelings. If he went in there first and 3 women decided to join, it would be proper rude and weird for him to up and leave. If they all went in at the same time, I don't know, I'm a bit on the edge....

There is no single right answer to this so I haven’t voted. Women are allowed to say they would be comfortable with this without being shut down as cool wives. Women are equally entitled to say they wouldn’t like it without being shut down as prudes.

Different people have different views of what happens in a hot tub and it seems that many posters see them as being “sex adjacent”. I have been in hot tubs many times with a range of people and the experiences have not been remotely sexual - we’ve relaxed, chatted if we’ve known each other and enjoyed the therapeutic sensation of the warm, bubbling bath (not meant euphemistically). It completely depends on who is in them and their intention.

I personally would have no issue with this. However, it is clear that it sits outside what you understand you and your husband to have agreed between you. It is understandable in that context that you’re upset.

But as posters have said, it is ultimately about whether you trust your partner in the face of what you might consider temptation. I think there’s something rather precarious in a relationship which depends on there being no “temptation” - this is the thinking that puts women in hijabs. The point is not that temptation (ie attraction to others) is never felt, surely, but that it is never acted on. Where there is trust, the expectation is that your partner will not act on attraction to others because of their commitment to you.

Well, I would be fucking furious, way to close contact for my liking, so no op I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It would be very out of character for my dh aswell which would add to the confusion and make me think

We are different people with different ideas about what is acceptable. You find it upsetting and your feelings are valid. If it were my better half, I would find it very very amusing because he'd hate to be in a situation like that!

People's tolerance levels and ideas of respect are all subjective. The most important thing for me is that you let him know that you feel this way and moving forward is probably the healthiest. Marriages are hard work, men can be unthinking creatures at times but if you are certain you trust him then personally I don't think it's a big deal as a one-off (if he listened to you and didn't repeat it). I presume it was your husband who told you what he did? If so, that is a decent thing, so is his apology.

If he keeps disrespecting you again and again, then you have a huge issue. Once off, unthinking in a hot tub isn't a huge thing unless you make it out to be.

Even in a public setting? They're hardly likely to start an orgy with all their friends watching.

“People's tolerance levels and ideas of respect are all subjective. The most important thing for me is that you let him know that you feel this way and moving forward is probably the healthiest. Marriages are hard work, men can be unthinking creatures at times but if you are certain you trust him then personally I don't think it's a big deal as a one-off (if he listened to you and didn't repeat it). I presume it was your husband who told you what he did? If so, that is a decent thing, so is his apology.

If he keeps disrespecting you again and again, then you have a huge issue. Once off, unthinking in a hot tub isn't a huge thing unless you make it out to be.”

@Happyjoe has nailed it. This with bells on.

I wouldn’t mind at all, I trust my boyfriend. I know he’d be buzzing to be in a hot tub, and wouldn’t miss the chance. Wouldn’t matter who else was in it!

1/10 . Please try harder 🙄

I guess for me I’m just wondering about why this wasn’t discussed before. You knew he was going to a party and presumably he knew there was a hot tub or he wouldn’t have had his swimsuit. So what exactly is the expectation here?

And plenty of people have very high moral standards of any or no religion so that was a surprising addition to the story. Could easily have left that out and it would still be the same situation.

Personally I wouldn’t care (though also find hot tubs slightly gross so would want my husband to shower after), but that’s nothing to do with you or your marriage.

Love thy neighbour!

The question is OP, did he know your feelings about hot tubs? He might have thought it was just a fun thing to do and not thought beyond that.

The strength (or not) of a relationship is how you deal with it now IMO. Better communication going forwards, discussing the issue and agreeing on how you both would handle it if the situation came up again.

You can't expect him to be psychic and have exactly the same views on everything that you do.

If my dh did this I would assume he'd had a psychotic episode tbh. Hideous toe jam filled jizz ponds aren't his bag thankfully.

I think that when he realised there were no other men getting in that was the time to reconsider.

Who were the women?

Although no one else got in were other people still around or were they totally isolated?

What do you mean by gathering?

I wouldn't be bothered by it. He wouldn't have behaved inappropriately, so I don't see what the issue might be?

If it was at a gathering and "all above board" I personally wouldn't give it much of a thought if it was my husband. But I'm not you so that's irrelevant. This isn't about a hot tub though. You say you generally agree on things and your marriage appears calm and unruffled but I wonder if you fear that things you thought you could count on (i.e. my husband and I agree, I think it is a bad so why didn't he?) aren't quite so solid. None of this is cause for concern, you and he can talk it through and maybe you'll find that you'll get to know each other in a new way and although things might feel less "perfect" than previously you might actually feel it has enhanced things. You're not mad in my opinion, you sound shocked and a little scared.

YABU for saying you're a Christian family as though that makes you any better and more moral than others.

I used to be a Christian and FWIW a lot of the men in that circle were the most immoral and abusive people I've ever met.

I would be absolutely furious if my husband suggested there was anything whatsoever indecent about me using a friend’s hot tub as intended.

It’s actually so gross that people think hot tubs and sex are somehow linked. So bloody weird. My husband doesn’t lose his mind in the presences of a 😱 woman in a bikini 😱 because he’s not 14.

But if you've both always prioritised it, and always know what the other person would feel about a certain situation, what is worrying you so much about this? If you are happy and the trust is 100% there, then surely you would assume he went in the hot tub to relax and socialise with whoever was in there too (regardless of their sex)?

Do you feel he has embarrassed you by going in the hot tub with other women in your absence, or do you feel that he has cheated in some way?

Did he tell you about it or did someone else tell you?

I mean, if ur comfortable being in a bikini in close proximity and alone with 3 men, cool.
I wouldn't be comfortable and certainly, wouldn't feel comfortable with my husband doing that.
It's all about what you feel comfortable with 😉

My husband regularly goes out with three women friends, colleagues & former colleagues. They go to dinners, galleries, concerts - but it's not beyond the realms of possibility that he would take them to the outdoor sauna that he regularly frequents with his male bestie. I trust him and don't mind any of these activities (but I'm not Christian so don't have anything to live up to!)

Thanks. That's not what I think. You're manipulating my words because you have an axe to grind about your own experiences. Do better or just move on.

I think I would find it odd but nothing more than that as I trust my DH beyond any doubt. But he can be the life and soul of a party so I could kind of see him doing something like this if the opportunity presented itself.

OP, if you trust him then my advice would be to not make a big thing of it. Just let him know that you find the idea uncomfortable, rightly or wrongly, and so would appreciate it if he remains fully clothed when out in future.