I'm going mad. Maybe

[AnonyMouse33]

Husband went to friends house and got in hot tub and was joined by three women. All above board but I'm upset that it's inappropriate and obviously I wasnt there.
For context, we're a Christian family and this just got to me, as I would never put myself in this position I would be so worried that it would be insensitive and inappropriate. He doesn't agree with me at all, though he's apologised.

Is this unreasonable? He said most people would be totally fine with it?

Ah, you've had a hard time on here @AnonyMouse33. It's understandable you're upset and cross but do you think he joined in out of naivety and just didn't think it through?

Give it a day, reflect and simmer down and then have another chat about it when you are less keyed up. Turn it.to your advantage and negotiate a free afternoon.

To me it's more how he didn't think about your feelings in this situation. Would he have been annoyed if it was the other way round and you were in your cossie in the hottub with three men? Something tells me he would.

No YANBU and also no, I’m pretty sure most women wouldn’t be ok with their husband sharing a hot tub with 3 random (?) women, at a party.

What did he wear? Had he taken his swimming trunks in anticipation? Did he just jump in like a puppy, in his boxers? Were they wearing bikinis/ costumes or their underwear? What I’m getting at is was it planned. It’s a bit weird all round. Why was he the only man who went in? Did he come home in soggy undies? Etc

The YMCA has mixed sex saunas and hot tubs and steam rooms. You wear your swimsuits.

The C stands for Christian.

The only problem is if he went in naked.

Maybe if you're Christian, you set yourself a higher moral bar than others, that's the impression I've got over the years. So yes, this would seem out of character. But as a heathen, I wouldn't be happy with this either.
If he got in first and then they got in, then it's a bit embarrassing to quickly clamber out. It's more embarrassing for a woman to exit a hot tub with men in as you just know they are looking at your arse.
The issue is, he's defending himself. I think you have issues in your marriage if he thinks it's ok. Clearly he knows you well, but still did it anyway.

What does being "Christian" have to do with it?

I completely sympathise with you. It’s disrespectful and a married man doesn’t get into a small hot tub with three women in bikinis. You are NOT over reacting.

Actually, whether it is unreasonable or not depends on the standard. What is it precisely. No hot tubs, no women? What if it is three seventy-yeat-old women? Still the same?
I once went to a NYE party with my aunt and a group of her friends. We hired a lodge and there was an outdoor hot tub. We all enjoyed it including mixed couples and single men and women. I also regularly use a hot tub in the gym with complete strangers and never though myself inappropriate.
Now, a hot tub with thee naked 20-year-olds I would definitely have a problem with. But it doesn't sound as though that's what went on there. Who were the women? Friends? Family? Neighbours? Sex workers?

More broadly, I think your standards for your own behaviour are yours. And it seems unwise to project them onto the rest of the household.

Finally, I don't think there is anything inherently unchristian about hot tubs. Or women in it. Or sharing spaces with someone of the opposite sex in general.

I would be very ewwww about that just because I hate hot tubs. Why would you get into a bath with a random stranger, never mind 3?!

I can trust him but still feel like it's inappropriate regardless of whether anything happens. I just feel disrespected because I know that for me, I wouldn't feel that its appropriate.

Are you able to explain why?

I don’t think it’s a trust issue. OP thought she and her husband were on the same page with regard to what was acceptable conduct within a Christian marriage and now she’s found out they’re not.

Finding out they you have a differing code of ethics from your long-term partner would be unsettling for anyone I think. Imagine, for example, if one person was totally against porn and assumed their partner was as well and then they discover that their partner has been watching porn and thinks it’s no big deal.

It happens that due to her faith OP has stricter boundaries than most people here but the principle is the same.

Personally I wouldn't have an issue with it. It seems unlikely he's getting up to anything in a hot tub at a friend's party, unless it's the sort of party to involve a lot of hard drinking and drugs.

I guess the real question is whether you can trust him. Which none of use can answer.

Just because he is religious it doesn't mean you can trust him. The most outwardly religious man I know, whose wife would say is happily married with kids, regularly sneaks off to shag men. But he values his image too much to accept his sexuality and tell his poor wife.

But of course there are also very many entirely faithful men.

You need to decide whether you trust him or not, and if you do let it go.

Well there’s no definitive answer to this is there, because it’s all a matter of opinion. Personally I would say you’re unreasonable because I don’t think there’s anything inappropriate about using a hot tub with friends of the opposite sex but many people would disagree and nobody’s stance on this is an objective fact.

So as well as behaving in a way that is absolutely opposed to his beliefs, your beliefs, the boundaries you agreed to and promises you have made to each other, he is now gaslighting you about this.

Your standards are fine, and he agreed to them. Now he's chosen to unilaterally break that agreement.

What else does he get up to then I wonder?

A lot of cool women on this thread.

I'm not, and I wouldn't be thrilled either, OP.

How would your husband feel if you were in a hot tub with 3 men at a friends house? I love it when these blokes pipe up with that line about how no one else would mind... Usually the reality is if the roles were reversed they would mind VERY much.

He didn't, he got into an empty hot tub.

What is it about a differing opinion that makes you feel you have to deride it as “cool”, rather than accepting not everyone thinks the same as you? I can’t see the people who say they’d be fine with it saying “there’s a lot of repressed women on this thread!”

Yeah, sadly the site is infested with men pretending to be women and coolwives and pickmes and handmaidens, all falling over themselves to try to excuse anything a man does.

It's funny as hell that they out themselves each and every time by having a pearl clutching meltdown at being accurately described too 😂

And the next go to is usually to claim calling them what they are is Misogyneeeeeeeeeee!!!! because accurately describing misogynistic behaviour with a shorthand term that only offends the right people requires a DARVO response apparently 😋

Well, one of them is a filthy sex pond.

I think it’s about time you needed to verify an account with facial recognition to prove you are a woman. Something, because it’s gaslighting OP. The “women” saying they would be cool clearly aren’t women or are mugs.

I wouldn’t be ok with this either OP

PS, pretending going swimming is the same as sitting next to a woman in a bikini in a hot tub is not helping your argument that he should have broken the boundaries he and his wife agreed to 😅

False equivalencies just show you have no actual argument. YW.

What’s the point of getting into a hot tub with no water in it?

A personal fave of mine on this site is marriage issues - like lightening at suggesting - have you thought of an open marriage. Said no woman I know!

I’ve been in plenty of hot tubs, saunas, jacuzzi’s and public spas and never once witnessed or did anything inappropriate.

Does everyone else just get in a hot tub and instantly try to fondle the person next to them?! Have I been doing it wrong?!