16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

I second that PP who suggested Childline. There is a section on the website (www.childline.org.uk) called “your rights” and it gives clear advice about being able to leave home at 16 whilst pointing out what the issues are. Generally there isn’t funding for 16-18 year olds so one can leave, but housing and benefits are real problems for a 16 year old.

I used to threaten this. I didn’t really want to. I once came downstairs one morning after a fight with my dad the previous night and he’d left a ‘go for it if you want to’ note on the table with a cheque for £1k.

It was horrible and I realised how much I needed my mum and dad.

I know this sounds like a suggestion that you shock her to her senses and I don’t know your DD but what I really needed was to know my mum and dad were a safe space and it scared the hell out of me.

Please just let her know she’s always safe with you.

I have no experience to offer but just a handhold as this must be very stressful for you OP

My Dad used to say ‘if you know of a better hole, you go to it’

Why would you entertain this? The system is there for 16 year olds who can’t live at home due to abuse etc. or have been thrown out.

nod and smile and wait for her to come up with a viable option.

A friend of mine has been through something really similar OP. She had terrible issues with her daughter from about 13 onwards, it was awful as she's a great mum and didn't have any issues with her other 2 kids. But they just didn't get on at all.

Her daughter was absolutely determined to move out at 16. My friend contacted social services in the end because her daughter started staying out all night, putting herself in dangerous situations.

She eventually moved into a flat, I think it was some sort of supported living for 16-18 year olds. She dropped out of college, got a job in a bar and hardly saw her mum for a year.

She's now 21 and is resitting her a levels, looks like she will be going to uni next year. Her and her mum are really close again. I think they needed a bit of distance.

It's not the same thing at all but my sister is 7 years older than me and when I was a teenager we wanted to kill each other. Once she moved out we got to have a new relationship. Now I'm in my 30s and she's my best friend in the world.

It's a really difficult situation but if your daughter is absolutely determined I'm not sure there's much you could do. I would try and seek some help from support services though rather than just pay for her to rent privately. She will need some help adjusting.

She might try to claim she is homeless. You'll be contacted to confirm there is no home for her. At which point you say 'yes she has a home here'

She then says she cant go home and the housing department refer over to the Local Authority social care to say she may need care. A joint housing assessment takes place where housing will fob off their duty (because in reality they dont really have a duty as she isnt really homeless) and social care should do everything they can to say 'you're not coming into care you have a home, go home'.

If she refuses they'll reluctantly accommodate her but the rulez she hates so much are tenfold in care provisions. She wont or shouldnt get foster care at her age, it will be some sort of supported hostel environment.

She have limited money to live on, no room for treats or haircuts, not much clothing allowance.

Why is she unhappy? What is her reason or reasons for wanting to move out? Why doesn’t she like you? In what ways does she disagree that she lives in a safe, happy and solid home?

I think you need to get to the bottom of why she wants to leave instead of jumping ahead to the what do I do to enable my child to run away?

What is so bad that she is feeling the need to run away from it? Something has given her the fear flight response.

I used to process Housing Benefit back in the day. We would regularly get claims for 16 year olds who were living in Council run Homeless Accommodation and they generally didn't last a week before scurrying off home.

I would humour her and let her get on with it.

Thank you to those of you who are answering the question.

I'm just trying to get my head around what would happen of she suddenly got her shit together and was in a position to figure it out herself. Unlikely.

We will not be helping her and will not be telling her we would support her but if she is determined and would rather live in an unsafe hostel than at home, then we will do our best to help her find a less dodgy option. I think most parents who are in a position to help, would do so. We dont want her to move out and it would not be in her best interests to do so.

This was me at 15. I used to pack my clothes too. I planned exactly where I was running away too. In my head I would get buses to people I vaguely knew and turn up on their doorstep and they would house me for as long as it took. In reality I knew I was deluded and never actually went. Best thing my mum did was to say 'I can't stop you but I would be sad if you did.' It took the wind out of my sails.
Don't offer to fund anything. Don't shut the door if she goes, leave it open and she'll come back. (Probably quite quickly).

She being a typical teenager. I wouldn’t pass any remarks tbh. How exactly is she going to afford to move out at 16? It’s simply not possible. Ignore as much as possible and if she has a tantrum just agree with her and walk away.

this is exactly right. She will hopefully be made aware as well that she is wasting the resources meant to protect young people who really do need the extra help.
I think the best you can do is say ‘that’s nice dear’ and let this silly tantrum burn out

I really wouldn’t pay her rent or do anything else to encourage her. Just don’t entertain it at all.

• Housing Duty: If you're homeless at 16 or 17, your local council's housing/social services must help find accommodation as you're considered a "priority need".

the reality is that as she has a “safe home” she will be told to go home unless you refused her to come back

housing have enough arguments with SS over care leavers and who is responsible, let alone a teenager who has a safe home to stay at

if she refuses to go home, the best she can expect is a hostel type place, possibly with a lockable bedroom.

FWIW after that I just got very motivated to make my life my own. Aced my a levels, went to uni, got a good job and now have my own house, very near my parents. DH, kids, very conventional, and I’m organising a shit load for my dad who is now in the process of going into elder care. Just to say it doesn’t mean she won’t come back to you. Teenage girls are hell, and I am fully aware that my 5yo DD may deliver on me the hell I gave my mum and dad. And if she does, I’ll accept it’s karma…

This isn’t quite correct, social services don’t just assume responsibility like that. It would have to be a section 20 (parents sign child into care) or section 17 if she is deemed to be a child in need (parents give consent for involvement). Section 47 is child protection, and this wouldn’t meet the threshold.

There are waiting lists as long as
your arm for young people actually in care and at risk of homelessness for a space in supported accommodation. There is no reason for social services to be involved here.

I wouldn’t even entertain the idea. By all means nod along and tell her she is free to leave if she considers it necessary. She won’t go anywhere.

Definitely don’t signpost her to resources which would help her to leave. That’s nuts.

I “left home” at 16 because I was a stroppy teenager. I spent one week in my BF’s university halls before he told me to go home. A second week in a sleeping bag under my classmate’s carport whilst she and her family were on holiday. Then I got bored of being uncomfortable and went home.

We are currently nodding and saying things like "and in the meantime we have to live together so let's try to get on" and not getting into a discussion about it.

I'm hoping that when her 16th birthday comes along in a few months time she'll quietly drop it. Realistically it'll probably become "when I'm 18..." which still isnt great but is acceptable.

I remember your other post about your daughter. She needs mental health intervention as she’s clearly struggling.

We are not encouraging this or helping her research it. Nor have we told her we will help her.

This is purely for me to understand because I couldn't find any clear information.

I didnt say they 'just assume responsibility', I said if she refuses they would reluctantly accommodate, they have no choice. At 16 she signs her own s20.

This is why teens come into care, they get into strops, refuse to return home, housing wont help because quite rightly the child isnt homeless although they're very good at talking a child round to wanting to go into care and then social services have to manage a child for 2 years that doesnt want to be parented and wont comply with the rules of being in care either.

She will not be able to do this and it is highly likely just words spoken to impact you, especially if she is saying them over something like washing a plate. There is very little chance of her being able to put her plans into action. She will not be able to rent and I would not give her any money for anything. A typical 16 year old is not likely to be able to manage running a home or have a clue about a lot of aspects of it, and should be in education still.
I would just say ok, and leave her to figure it out for herself.

Yeah I wouldn’t future plan past that point OP or even get into discussion about it.
FWIW my dd is currently adamant she is getting every piercing under the sun as soon as she is 14. I’m smiling and saying ‘how adventurous and ‘oh that’s fun’ because in reality she’s got fuck all money and the money she does has is promptly spent on anything but saving up for piercings 😂😂

We are in touch with school.

She seems fine and then just kicks off. She's had a falling out with some friends (normal stuff) and then other friends were away all holiday so she's not been out much the past couple of weeks and she doesnt do well stuck in the house.

She's 15 so doesnt want to do much with me despite me suggesting stuff.

If she does not wash any dishes now, she won't wash them in the new place