16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

Pay her rent now and you will be paying til you die and you will only have yourselves to blame.

I used to work for a youth charity, 16/17 year olds are priority but they don’t just give them their own flat, they have to live in supported accommodation etc with supervision and rules so if she has ideas about being free and independent, she won’t be.

What do you mean, what do you need to do? lol, Nothing.. what does she think is going to happen on her 16th birthday? Pack her bags and go.. where..?

Me too. Never got myself into trouble, held down a job and finished college. Never regretted it. It makes me so sad to hear all these commenters calling the daughter a brat and entitled when they have no idea of the situation at home. People though my mum was lovely but quirky, it made life at home unbearable.

Teens are vying for control and independence. As strange as this may sound consider who has control in your household. Have you, like most parents had all of the control (with the best intentions) and maybe not given her age appropriate control as she’s got older and now she’s making it clear she’s taking control.

I had a parent say to me recently when I was working with her that giving up more control helped her feel more in control and made such a difference to her relationship with her teen😃

You may need to approach this indirectly by looking with fresh eyes on the dynamics and communication within the family to try and defuse her desire to leave home. I hope that helps.

Or conversely. Do you need to give her something to rebel against so that she doesn't have to ferret around for a drastic thing like leaving home at a vulnerable age.

Unfortunately for parents, teens will always find something to rebel against so I suspect this is not the only thing that @Allaboutthechildis having to navigate.

I've seen it in families that try to give their children plenty of safe choice but their teenage brain has wanted to be on more solid ground for a while. Some children really need to feel we're steering the ship.

The op will know which is more likely.

I once had a conversation with a friend that went something like I don't understand, we give him nothing to rebel against but he is determined to rebel. The kid was crying out for more boundaries rather than less because they needed a sense of safety.

I completely agree. Boundaries are so important but often we try to implement in a way that is dictatorial, which although worked many decades ago teens today don’t appreciate this approach. Boundaries are far more able to stick when they are collaborative and they make sense to teens, because then they buy into them rather than feel like they are being controlled.

Social Services work with charities for children 16-25 providing supported accommodation that's paid for using Universal Credit. Once they're 18, they can go on the waiting list for Council Housing.

Mine moved out at 18 because they found living at home difficult. Some charities won't accept people under 18.

Why would you indulge this behaviour?

Sounds like she is begging you to impose some boundaries and she needs some therapy.

Speak to school about getting her some professional help.

Try not to get sucked into explaining reality to an angry teen. Fake calm, say you would be devastated if she left as you love her and would miss her but if she wants to go you will help her research her options.

She won't listen to you explaining realittvunless she asks for help so just keep telling her you will help her find out options if she needs to do this because you love her now and you will in the future.

As much as possible be on their side - whilst still insisting on minimum standards of respect in the house.

You could also ask what might be possible to change to make life at home easier. Look at a list and work on one for you in return. If she doesn't want to wash up how else can she help. Do you go into her room (looking for laundry) without asking. I am constantly astonished by how many parents dont respect boundaries of their teens. Could you be caring for her as a 14 yo rather than a nearly 16yo?

Dont be the poster mum for how crappy the world is. If it is a boyfriend then make sure she can always run back home without any humiliation if it goes wrong.

Are you in Devon? I've just seen your FB post, which to be honest reads like click bait. You'll end up in the papers at this rate.

I would get in touch with a youth homelessness charity. There's one in the city I live in which covers our region. They offer advice services but also family mediation in case there are things to be discussed. My eldest had a period of saying she wanted to leave home at 16 when she was 14/15, but it was hating her old school and having undiagnosed ADHD and having got into a not great group of friends. She moved school, got diagnosed, had some NHS counselling and she's settled down now.