16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

My post literally says “…or if they came into care as 15/16 year olds and couldn’t be placed (with a foster family) at all”

Why on earth would you think that a supported accommodation service wouldn’t be fully aware of a YP’s background and reason for entry into the care system? How would any risk assessments be completed? How would we know how to best support that YP?

I didn’t “deny” that this situation often results in YP’s coming into care, I said in my response to a PP that IN MY EXPERIENCE that didn’t happen, but accepted that it could be possible.

If you can afford to sub her rent - then why not look at 6th form boarding schools?

She changed schools in September and is much happier and much more settled there and has made (sensible!) educational plans. We wont be uprooting her. Especially now it's GCSEs.

This. Let her end up in a hostel - that will soon teach her how good she has it at Mum and Dad's.

What does she want to do post GCSE? Would residential accommodation at a FE college be a good half way point to moving out? Obviously you would have to pay. It's often the more animal/land based colleges.
https://www.myerscough.ac.uk/students/accommodation/
bicton.ac.uk/accommodation/

If she’s so keen to move out the best thing for her is to encourage some academic ambition in her so she can go to uni at 18 and have a decent stab at making an ok life for herself. Anyone leaving home at 16 is generally heading for a life of min wage jobs and benefits and a crap quality of life for ever.

The idea of some stroppy brat with a perfectly good home and nice parents ending up in foster care for her trouble is making me 🤣🤣🤣. Would be a great lesson for her!

I hope she doesn't go down the route of social care, though. There are young people her age who really are homeless and in need, not just posturing, as she is.

Hi just to give a response relating to this. I moved out at 16. The week i turned 16 i moved out, i rented a cheap flat with a classmate of mine. My dads business was up the road from the landlords shop and i suppose he trusted that my dad would have made it right if we defaulted, though it wasnt an offical thing. He rented directly to us. We both were still at school, we both had part time jobs. This was 2005.

It was hard,.very hard. I used to go to my mums for a hot bath because i couldnt afford gas for our heating. But i was unhappy at home and it did, almost immediatly, improve our relationship.

I hope that if she does move,.that it helps you both to have a better relationship. Teenage years are hard, and there are things that make it feel hard despite a secure and loving home.

Dont be surprised if as soon as she hits 16 she's all of a sudden got a 24 year old boyfriend.

I left home at 16 first to live at a residential college - this was funded by the local authority as they did not have a college local to me offering the course I wanted to do.

Beyond that option, whilst technically she can leave... the world, the benefits system etc, is NOT set up for 16 year olds to live independently of parents or some in loco parentis set up.

Any of the available council funded options would need her to state and prove, or you to agree, that she is not welcome at home or not safe at home - she can't, and you won't, so that's out.

So unless she's actively going to choose to be homeless and sleep rough, which I highly doubt, it isn't going to happen.

I returned home at 17 and became homeless when my relationship with my Mother became impossible and my Fathers position was he was looking after my sister, I was therefore 'your Mothers problem' and he wouldn't do a thing.

I went to a Young Peoples Housing initiative for homeless people under 25. At first living in a communal group home which had support staff and managers on in the day and a security guard at night (not that they did much beyond secure a packet of biscuits and a mug), then in a bedsite owned by the same initiative, by myself - that was pretty awful, if your belongings were not in your hand they were stolen, drugs were everywhere, at any time someone would be dragged out by police or carted out by paramedics and heading out was a nightmare as we were HATED by the local residents too.

At 18 I got a council bedsit, this was back in the late 1990s and the benefits for young people were somewhat better then tbh - however I totally failed to put myself back into college as the college was absolutely NOT equipped for an 18 year old without parents. I repeatedly had to explain I could not have a parent sign this or agree to that or oversee the other, I didn't have any, I lived independently. Perhaps things are better now, but it is unlikely.

Realistically, if you don't facilitate this, it can't happen, unless as I say, she wants to be homeless which I would put money on she does not. If she does try it, let her do the running, let her find out for herself. It may be that she would be better off going away to college, if theres a course that would suit, but the other options are dire and I would absolutely not recommend them!

Employers have been legally able to pay shit wages to 16-18 year olds for a long time, it’s not recent.

The minimum wage for 16-18 was £3ph when I left home in 2005, I remember as my boss paid me £3.50ph on the condition I didn’t tell the other kids because he felt sorry for me.

You might be joking but the problem is the more people she tells that she is unhappy and doesnt want to be at home, the more 'saviours' will pop up to try to 'help', you see it on here all the time, taking her in or word getting round there is a vulnerable girl who 'cant' live at home and some older many may well come along and offer her a home.

You're right - I am about 20 years older than you, so it seems 'recent' to me!

Does she know what she wants to do after her GCSE's? I would concentrate on that and ignore all the stuff about leaving. I certainly wouldn't enable leaving either! Or look stuff up and pass it on or offer to pay!! She is testing you.

My ds started all this ' I'm leaving as soon as I can, mainly because we wouldnt let him game all night. We said well, if you think you can find somewhere and pay all the bills including your phone go for it. After the initial drama, we said maybe see about the army, and the gap year thingy?

But we did chat about how life might be better, what was acceptable and whats not, does she want to eventually end up at university? If so it's only 2 years away!

2 years probably sounds like a lifetime away. I know it did to me at that age.

If it was as easy and straightforward as your DD is making out then surely more kids would do it.My advice is not to say or do anything,just let her get on with it.As you’ve said she’s very stubborn so probably won’t listen or agree with anything you say.
Do you really think a 16 yr old still at school or college can rent somewhere,even if their parents are paying?
Once she sees what the real world is like,I’m sure home won’t seem that bad.She probably is craving her own space,does she have a part time job,does she have sleepovers with friends,is she planning to go to uni,planning to learn to drive? All these give them independence and experience of life outside the home.My 17 yr old went to Paris on coach with a few of her friends for couple of nights,I was really worried and tbh didn’t want her to go but I kept quiet and they had a great time and all went ok.
Im sure this is just a phase and will pass but you have to let her do it.

Ah, that makes sense. It feels like a very long time to me because I feel ancient now compared to 16 year old me 😂

30 years ago, she could have moved out at 16, been found a flat by the council paid for by housing benefit etc, and got signed on to income support. That's what happened to my DB after he told the council he'd been thrown out by our parents. (He hadn't been thrown out but theyl never checked). His flat became party central for him and his mates, though he got back into education later.

That wouldn't happen now. If she was deemed to be homeless, there is supported housing for 16-18 year olds, but it's not ideal, being housed with other teenagers who all have their own problems. Providers of housing vary widely in the standard of accommodation and care provided, and she could be vulnerable to predatory adults.

Your worst case is if she finds unsavoury friends to move in with. Does she have older friends who have left home?

Are there other family members she could stay/ lodge with? There are some education training providers who provide accommodation (e.g. army) but they wouldn't take her on her 16th birthday,

Onto the highly regarded 6th form doing quite a niche course.

This has links into paid apprenticeship programmes which if she continues she has a good chance of getting onto. Then onto a specific career course.

Alternatively, if she doesn't go down the apprenticeship route, as long as she passes in 6th form, she's guaranteed a place at the local University (they have an agreement with the 6th firm). You can almost see the university from our house though so that isnt particularly appealing to her (and I understand why!).

She is also very interested in the army "year out" thing that was being talked about recently.

I only know of one local live in college and that's a farm/animal/horses place.

Sorry. I’m not sure what you meant by that?

I think the way you’re talking to her about this has a lot of room for improvement. Have you looked at family therapy/parenting coaching? I recommend DBT family therapy, which as far as I’m aware is generally delivered to the parents to help them connect better with the child. I’ve done this, it was very effective. You can get her a nice rented place, but she’ll still be very vulnerable to exploitation from others, I would fight very hard right now to find an approach that works to rebuild the relationship rather than being dismissive towards her. I understand you’re trying your best but she will be feeling patronised and unseen I imagine.

The really frustrating this is that she has friends who are in care. Some are happier than others but one in particular is having a really, really hard time and she just doesnt seem to link that to her "plans".

Oh dear, she will be hearing all sorts of nonsense then.

Seriously just nod and say "Ok love, if thats what you want" .

A friend of mine pulled a blinder when her DD did the same and she said "OK to get you used to paying your bills...." "I DONT NEED YOU!!!! I CAN PAY MY BILLS!!!!!" "Good, from next month you are paying your own phone bill, I need £X a month from you otherwise it will be cancelled". The dd did have a part time job and it was about 25% of her earned income.

Said DD went crackers. But my friend stood her ground and oddly enough the DD never threatened to move out again.

You need to parent her and manage the underlying problems, not throw money at it all.