16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

I would not be doing any of the work to help her move out. She can contact your local council herself. I would also suggest that she takes responsibility for all her own laundry, cleaning her own room and taking a turn to clean bathroom and kitchen. She should be responsible for a meal for the whole family a couple of times a week (shopping, cooking and clearing up).

Really that’s very concerning. A wish to escape your life/run away can descend into suicidal ideation if your cries for help result in being brushed off and told you’re not really unhappy because you’re in a nice, safe and loving home.

Depression doesn’t discriminate. OP, please listen to your DD and get to the bottom of why she unhappy.

All homeless 16 and 17 year olds have to have a joint housing and social care assessment and all efforts will be made to support the young person to remain at home. Teenagers are accommodated in hostel type accommodation but only when the situation has broken down so far at home with their parents that the teen and/or the adults are basically unsafe. It's expensive and in high demand so they won't just offer your DD somewhere to live because she doesn't want to stay at home. They will call you and ask your views and as soon as they realise you don't actually want her to move out they will signpost you to some family counselling or mediation and then close the case.

Absolutely wasn’t my experience as someone who worked in supported accommodation for young people in care for almost ten years, nor was it my experience as a student social worker but I suppose it could happen occasionally.

I doubt very much that the OP’s daughter will sign herself into care to access supported accommodation, but if she does I’m quite sure she’ll be signing herself out and returning home again after just a few days in service.

How far off 16yrs is she?

Does she have a job? I do think that it helps them to understand money if they are earning.

I do understand though, it must be very scary when she is threatening to walk out and you are thinking about all the things that might happen to her.

Seeming fine and then kicking off = definitely not fine at all

Duplicated post

I think you are getting your knickers in a twist over nothing.
Don't most parents laugh and nod along with their teenagers stupid ideas?
Personally I wouldn't be entertaining paying any rent for her, I wouldn't even think about it - if she wants to pull a silly stunt like that at 16 I wouldn't be ensuring a soft landing for her, she can learn the hard way how easy she had it at home.

Have you actually had a conversation with her about how she forsees being able to support herself when she moves out? How she plans to pay rent and bills. Food, trips out with friends.
Rather than just brush it under the carpet I would want to check she understands that money isn’t just handed out to people and she would actually need to be able to support herself in order to leave home

They won't accommodate her just because she refuses to go home - if she's got a safe home to go to they will expect OP to exercise her PR and get her home. They certainly won't offer a care placement if the OP is willing to have her home. Why would they? Teens don't become homeless because of 'strops'. They become homeless because the relationship with their adults at home has broken down to the point of danger.

My daughter went on about this the whole year before she was 16. When she woke up and was 16 and she realised she had precisely sod all resources to actually follow this through, she soon changed her tune. Take it with a pinch of salt until it happens then leave her to it, she’ll be back! Mines 17 now and my best pal

Has she got grandparent or other family members she can go to when she needs space?

Have the contact details for children's social services and the homeless team available.

If she walks out, ensure she knows where to go to the homeless team.

Call social services, advise she has left with the intention of moving out and that you're happy to have her home - the first thing that the homeless team will do is recommend she returns home and they usually call to ask if you'll take her back.

If she is insistent that she won't return, they will house her - they usually have temporary accommodations specifically for 16&17yo, though this obviously depends on your location and their capacity. Most of these places refuse to allow them in between 10&3 to encourage them to go to school/ college.

DO NOT help her rent somewhere. The only time I'd recommend that is if she's placing herself in danger by street sleeping - staying with friends will be fine for a while.

Make it as uncomfortable as possible for her whilst ensuring she is safe - don't help her financially but do things like let her take her quilt and pillow, drop her off at her accomodation in the car etc.

And make sure she knows she can come home.

I suspect when reality hits she'll change her mind, most do.

Looking back 30 years (and what’s happened since) I’m pretty sure that’s why my sister got up the duff at 16, had the baby at 17. Housing and weekly money. She got her flat and benefits and was as happy as Larry. Her family wasn’t though, she cost us all a fortune in bringing up her 2 kids making sure they never went without.

Keep a close eye on your daughter - where there’s a will, there’s a way!

Ex teacher.

it’s quite common for teens for various reasons to move out of home for a bit.

often they wind up staying with friends. If there are other relatives close or the family is split up they can ping pong between mum, dad, grandma etc.

depending on why they don’t want to go home schools can refer on to SS.

SS tend not to get involved unless there are obvious parenting issues (eg child does not have a bed and mum is an alcoholic) or the child is getting nvolved with the criminal justice system (drugs or violence). I presume none of those apply.

Agree!

Who does she think is going to wash her plates when she moves out!?

Ridiculous.

She wont know anything about 'care' at this stage, none of them do, they all think they're going to get a council flat. They then have their JHA and are informed that a) they're not entitled to housing and b) persuaded of all the 'support' they'll get if they go into care (by housing who tell them all this), SSD then have a hard job refusing to accommodate someone who says I am absolutely not returning home and I refuse and Im signing myself into care. This is how it works

Local authorities up and down the land dont want these children in care, theres no need for it, but it happens more than occasionally because they wont return home, usually for reasons that seem evident here, she has MH issues or trauma or other issues going on and feels she simply cannot live at home

OP just needs to keep the nodding, hope her daughter doesnt make any applications to the council but equally that she doesnt then start going missing or become violent at home and then that gives her more of an argument to leave home

How many JHAs did you do?

Just an Idea, no idea if this would work cost wise etc. but… Maybe you could send her to a boarding school and frame it to her that she’s getting what she wants essentially (living away from you/home). This would give you a couple of years where she’s safe, and hopefully her brain will mature enough in those 2 years that she won’t hate you/home so much.

No they won't house her just because she doesn't want to go home. They will expect her to go home. If she chooses to stay somewhere else like sofa surf that's between her and her parents. They won't accommodate her for that reason.

In reality as soon as she announces to the council/social services that she’s homeless the very first thing they’ll do is ask if she’s estranged from you. If she’s not and you’re happy to have her live with you then they’re going to realise she has somewhere safe to live and that’s that. Vulnerable yp who really are estranged from family and have nowhere safe will go to temporary accommodation/hostels or if they’re very lucky and there’s places they get offered a place in a foyer which is like supported housing for 16+.

As others have said no one in their right mind will rent to a 16 year old!

Can school help with counselling or a camhs referral?

Young parents did get flats 30 years ago. Not these days. Anyone doing this is in for a rude shock.

Or broken down irretrievably meaning the daughter simply wont go home and wont live there and wont allow her parents to exercise PR.

I speak from experience, I think a lot of teenagers say this and some actually do intend to move out - someone I know actually lied to get housing and was successful.
Teenagers in this time are a new breed of monster sometimes, it’s like we have lived our children so much we have literally made them feel invincible.
so, again speaking from experience - you do nothing, just smile and wave.
Realistically they can’t get housing at that age and it’s an idle threat built on a ego that’s very big.
Back in the day, parents would say ok, shall I pick you up a couple of boxes from the supermarket when I go?.
but nowadays here we are thinking, oh yes let’s pay rent for this 16 year old who wants to move out.
Not on your nelly.
Let her carry on and see how far she gets (trust me it won’t be far) and in the meantime your house your rules.
Stop giving her the permission to rule you by saying she’s going to move out.
Once you stop reacting she will find something else to moan about.

And if she makes her own arrangements to live elsewhere that's up to her but why do you think she would be provided with local authority accommodation just because she doesn't want to live at home? I assure you that would not happen. Unless she's at clear risk such as living with drug dealers or a pimp or on the street then she won't be housed. It's possibly OP's daughter would choose those options over staying at home but honestly I doubt it.