16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

I found my mum insufferable. Still do. She moved us in with 3 other teens into a 3 bed house when she got remarried I hated it. Couldn’t wait to go. Left at 17/18! It was hell. Maybe you need to look at why she wants to leave the family home

Why on earth are you pandering to her?! She sounds like a spoilt brat and extremely immature and you’re enabling her behaviour. Be a parent!

Exactly! Grandparents usually can’t cope with it all on their own either so rope in their other children to help out with giving up their time and finances too. Awful situation for everyone but the ‘young mum’, zero consequences for her selfish actions. Then repeats 20 years later (still early 30s) thinking parenting is easy. Anyway…. I’m off track. A discussion for another thread for sure.

What on earth is wrong with you. She is a bratty teenager. Stop pandering to her. Just agree with her without arguing and clearly tell her that if she does walk out (she won’t) then you will have to inform the police and social services. I cannot believe you would be entertaining this. There must be a reason you are - as in you are fully aware of the underlying reason. As otherwise it is laughable

Look at this post.
You know absolutely nothing about this girl and her life apart from the fact she is so unhappy at home she wants to leave absolutely as soon as possible.

Shame on you dismissing a child in such distress as a spoilt little bratt.

I moved out at 16, worked, rented, no guarantor, no parental support. I'm not sure why everyone is acting like its so impossible. I was much happier and perfectly capable on my own.

I'm guessing that was a long time ago?
I did very similar to you and what the OP's daughter wants to do, right down to counting the days off. I didn't even make is to my 16th birthday though, I left just before. Despite the very precarious housing (and sometimes no housing) my life was so much better and a huge weight was lifted. My mother also threatened me with ending up in care or homeless, these threats sounded wonderful so in no way worked the way she thought they would.
I never went back and have never for a single second of my life regretted it.

My son went into supported accommodation staff there 24/7 own room share toilet ahd bathroom. This one is aimed at 16-18 year olds

Hes now in semi independent but this one is for young people with mental heath needs. This one is staffed 6hrs a day he has his own room kitchen area and bathroom . He has to prove that he can manage money, look after himself cook food. There are weekly room checks. They are allowed to stay out. Thete are daily welfare checks via phone call. Plus fortnightly meetings ro see how things are going

Some young people are brattish and their source of distress comes from centering themselves too much, society encouraging that and encouraging so much naval gazing they're completely self obsessed. Teens dont need any help to be any more self obsessed, its part of their CV, so society needs to teach them to have realistic, socially appropriate expectations and behaviour.

They become distressed when they cant get their own way, or are told no, or are reminded that the world doesnt actually revolve around them, they're not the 'main character'.

We do a huge disservice to children by constantly putting them in the middle of everything.

Oh God yes, my mum used to threaten me with care homes too, until she realised I was open to the idea!

I did very similar to this girl, right down to counting the days, my life was absolutely 100% better after I left. I'm sure you'd describe me as an spoilt little bratt deserving of zero sympathy as well for preferring to live in a squat at 15 years old than in the family home.

You dont need to take things so personally, I didnt refer to her or any one as a spoilt little brat, I specifically used the term brattish because thats about behaviour, not the person

I also did not say or imply I had zero sympathy for anyone. I have a lot of sympathy for the children who arent able to manage themselves because of the way we have disabled their ability to work with others as part of the fabric of society.

You'll note I said 'some young people'.

This isnt about you.

I would advise that you get in touch with your council or CAB for advise. Lots of people have said that she could stay in temporary accommodation provided by the civil. I worked in Housing Options at the council (several years ago now so possibly out of date) and the first thing that was done when an under 18 presented as homeless was check with their parents (as long as there wasn’t a reason why that was dangerous to do). So if you’re saying she can stay at home then she won’t be counted as homeless and they won’t offer her accommodation. But do check with them for up to date information and local options. They offer advice to prevent homelessness as part of their service.

Im answering the OP question. And taking the information on face value. Obviously (and i cant believe im actually having to clarify this) if anyone, 16 or otherwise, approached actually fleeing abuse, we would not contact the abuser. Jesus.

We do indeed have extensive training and deal with traumatic and harrowing information daily.

We also have quite an amount of teenagers who approach because their parents expect them to wash up and keep their room tidy.

Is there any way you could give her some sort of separate accommodation within the home? A garden office type arrangement where she could be independent, or give her an ensuite and kitchen where she could be independent. Are there other children? If they have left already, that could free up a bit of space.

curious, does your 15 year old cook her own meals and do her own laundry?

Even if you paid her rent and bills, her housework would still need doing. Perhaps she needs to be doing her washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking, shopping now. Show her independence is overrated. Perhaps a rota going of her cleaning communal areas too.

It's not just you, it's the tone of so many posters on this thread towards this girl. Numerous posters have called her spoilt, entitled and bratty while knowing absolutely nothing of what's going on in her head. There have been a few posters (including myself) who've been in this girls shoes and left home very young and if I remember correctly, none of them have said they regretted it and all were happier and better out of the family home.

@Z0rr0she wouldn’t need any other criteria as she is a child. Social services would immediately become involved if she was homeless.

Boarding school for 6th form is an excellent idea. Probably cheaper than you picking up rent etc for her. She can learn independence whilst in safe hands. Excellent preparation for Uni.
Alternatively, take her to view properties. I did this with DD, she had to move away from home for her first, well paid, job. I paid the deposit. Oh yes, the deposit and rental agreement, and inventory. Who's going to pay that and be guarantor? I suggest you agree to go halves on the deposit. She won't be able to afford the other half. Refuse to be guarantor. Although DD had a decent income, graduate job, the properties in her price range were pretty grim.
She needs a financial reality check. I have no idea why families never discuss finances. Time to start.

i done this 30 years ago was certain about leaving then looked at all the costs even back then i realised id be in a hostel or some grotty bedsit

noone will give her a rental agreement and u shouldnt pay for it either thats ridiculous will cost you more than you think and then what are you teaching her0have a tantrum and you get your own way

I did this as a teenager. I had an explosive relationship with my mother and informed her I was leaving as soon as I was legally allowed to. It took me until 17 to get somewhere to live (referred by my college form tutor) and I left. I was so scared to tell her I moved out and she didn’t notice for a week or so (I slept in her house for 2 nights before she went into my room to see most of my belongings had gone). Her child benefit stopped and I received income support to top up my wages from my part time job. She was so angry she packed up everything that was ever mine and made me take it, including childhood photos, school reports, gifts I’d given her for Xmas.
I never went back.
I wasn’t spoilt or refusing to wash dishes, it was just a volatile relationship that was making both of us very unhappy. It is possible, I finished college and got a full time job and I’m settled now with a house and children, due to be married and happy but it was a hard life for a few years. My mum had a limited part in my life afterwards but it was clear no support financially or emotionally would be coming from her.
what most surprises me is that people blindly refuse to believe that a 17 year old can leave and my mum could let me.

Remember Shemima Begum and friends. Influenced by another girl at school and groomed on line by Isis ideology.

I’d be looking at DD friends and also what she’s viewed on the Internet. I’d be wondering about online bullying or sexual abuse.

Does she have you have her password.

Does she have siblings and if so what have they heard at school.

And recent bbc drama Wild Cherries about privileged entitled girls at private school influencing each other ……

I left home at 17, probably for similar reasons to yourself by the sounds of it. However I also work with families and the vast majority of situations like this are not through abuse or neglect

There may be a lot going on for OPs daughter, she may need help for her MH or other conditions, it also doesnt mean she cant be unreasonable as most of us were anyway at that age.