16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

Is she struggling in school with exams or bullying of any kind?
Does she have a boyfriend that you are aware of?
Does she have a sibling she feels is favoured?

She’s not fine from what you have said in this thread and your last one about her gender identity issues amongst other things. She needs to see a mental health professional. You are minimising her issues. She is deeply unhappy.

Paying her rent won’t keep her safe and I say that as someone who moved out at 16. It’s not just the four walls that matter, 16/17 is still very young which makes you vulnerable to poor decisions and unpleasant people.

Hell would freeze over before I let any child of mine leave home at 16, unless they were going to live somewhere else with adult supervision. I had no other option and I wish I hadn’t had to leave home.

From a practical perspective, if you rent a place for her you’d have to be her guarantor. Any issues or damage will be your responsibility. And there’s not enough housing for young people with no other option so she’ll be lucky to get temporary accommodation at most from the council.

Do you have any other children and can you afford to offer them the same deal at 16?

I'm amazed at how blase you are about a 16 year old leaving home and surviving in the big wide world. She may get stroppy from time to time, slam doors and tell you she hates you, but she is transitioning from child to adult, probably feels under pressure from school, friends, social media. You should be making her feel loved, safe, secure. Letting her think that you're not bothered either way whether she leaves or stays is probably heartbreaking for her. Loving words and support is what she's crying out for. Hug her, cuddle her, kiss her, have days out with her, have pamper nights in together, walk arm in arm and let her pour her heart out to her, give her support and tell her how special she is to you. Hopefully this is just a phase she's going through, she's testing you. Please don't dismiss her threats of leaving home because if you come home one day and she's gone, you don't know what harm she may come to. Drink, drugs, violence, pregnancy. Far easier to spend some time understanding how she feels and finding ways to make her home a happy place to be. Good luck 🤞 💐

My post was in response to another poster saying she’d get a house because she would go into care. I wouldn’t expect her to know anything about care either.

I did no JHA’s, I was a support worker for a homeless charity. We had three services that only housed young people in care, we were contracted by the local authority. Every young person we housed had either spent most of their lives in care and came to us after foster placements broke down, or if they came into care as 15/16 year olds and couldn’t be placed at all. The JHA’s were done by head office housing officers and their professionals before they were allocated a bed space in one of the three services. When they moved in each young person was assigned a support worker. That’s where I came in. My meetings with the council/leaving care teams came later, when the young person reached 18 and was moving on, usually into council accommodation.

I’m in adults now, maybe things have changed, but not one young person who came through our doors had just decided to leave a loving family home at 16 years old.

I think this is basically the same as a 20yo or 25yo who decides to move out. She will like anyone else have to find somewhere affordable to rent and will need to fund that. That’s really hard atm as a 25yo on minimum wage so will be I should think impossible on what a 16-17yo can make (as they usually get paid only a fraction of a full wage). Different again of course if she’s self employed and earning a whack as a YouTuber etc. Or at college/work as an apprentice.
I wouldnt bring it up in conversation at all (as that will only make her more determined) and I wouldn’t fund it in any way either (except in the way parents usually have to cough up for uni funding if they earn over a certain amount) But I would be very vocally full of loving words on a daily basis “you did that very well, nice work, you look pretty, awesome effort, I love you so much” etc

Fwiw I told my (tricky, narc, abusive etc) parents I would leave at 16, they laughed. I set my sights on uni and left at 18 and never really went back. My eldest has done the same as I did (from his very safe, happy, nurturing home!) 😂 left at 18 and rarely visits now although we do chat a lot online. He’s happy so I’m happy!

Id go quiet and let her sort herself out tbh. She will figure things out. And if she finds out the hard way you can be there to help put things back together.

It would be pretty impossible for her to move out at 16, no one will rent her anywhere, she has no income and wouldn’t be able to get housing association housing if she still has a place to live with you. Tell her the only way she can eventually move out is to do well at school, get a job or go to university (my dd did the later and moved out at 18 to university).

I moved out at 18, managed to get a room in a house share but had to work 3 jobs to support myself (and things were much easier back then).

If she wants to be more independent whilst still at home, she could try doing all her own washing, cooking her own meals and doing the house work 🤔.

To quote Cher from Clueless:

”As If!!”

I would honestly just let her figure it out herself. I left home when I was 16 (moved in with a boyfriend). I am pretty sure that lasted no longer than three months. Somehow living in a bedsit with a shared shower and no washing machine wasn't quite the glamour of the adult life I imagined. Good experience though and, luckily, my parents didn't for a minute entertain the idea of paying my rent somewhere more suitable.

Because what happens she'll move in with some friends, she'll fall out with the friends, she'll sprial worse with her MH, make unsafe friendships if she doesnt already, be missing, be drinking or using drugs, get known of, school will refer in that she is essentially homeless (which she would be, she hasnt got a long term carer), she'll get chucked out by friends parents, refuse to go home, round and round it goes with social workers persuading her to go home, trying to mediate between her and her parents, weeks and months of this can go by and if she is still floating around and rootless and having what Im reading are MH issues and breakdowns, she'll be seen as vulnerable and at risk, so if she continues to refuse she'll have to be accommodated.

Its who blinks first essentially. No one wants kids like this in care, it is a huge cost to society and a breakdown further in the relationship with their family but this is what often happens unless she can be persuaded to go back. Hopefully it wont get that far, but late into care is not rare (thats not meant to rhyme)

My daughter had friends who were in care sadly, and lived in a children's home. They were all similar age to your daughter. They did have parents, who either did not want them, or were unable to care for them. At 16 one lad was moved to a hostel for men in the nearest town, I was horrified. He had to wait 3 weeks for his benefits to be sorted out, I was taking him food parcels and small amounts of cash. I was a single parent with four children of my own, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would strongly encourage conversations about what she wants her next few years to look like. Hopefully her aspirations need a good income, so needs to decide on a possible path to achieve this.
My DD1 always wanted to travel and go to uni, after A levels she worked basically 4 low paid jobs, putting her uni place on hold, and went to NZ and Far East for 2 years. I don't think kids appreciate their parents until they have been away from them a while.
Good luck OP.

Ds said he was moving out at 16. He is 22 now and still at home at 21 last September. In fact, he is at uni, so technically, he still lives with us. He had a slight personality transplant at 16 and became a bit more tolerant.

He knew where the shed was. IMO, once they are adult enough to move out, you don't pay rent ( unless at uni, and that's largely covered by student loan. Some students work to support themselves). Not to be cruel, but it might never end. They never learn how to pay their rent. You become their bank.

The more you do for self righteous child, the more they take it for granted and in turn, hate you.

By facilitating her (or even planning on it!) you are allowing this ridiculous behaviour, OP. Stop entertaining it and allow her to work out how ridiculous of a proposition this is on her own. She may be stubborn but she’s not going to be stupid/naive enough to put herself on the streets. Ignore the dramatics and allow her to carry on with her ‘plans’. It will never work out but she needs to realise this for herself. Let it be a life lesson for her that money doesn’t grow on trees and you have to do an awful lot of work in order to foster a good, stable life.

“We will not be helping her and will not be telling her we would support her but if she is determined and would rather live in an unsafe hostel than at home, then we will do our best to help her find a less dodgy option. I think most parents who are in a position to help, would do so. We dont want her to move out and it would not be in her best interests to do so.”

Further to my previous comment - even if you pay top rent for the nicest flat in your town…..it still won’t be safe. Plus she will be a target for others her age who need a roof. And for parties etc!
Both of mine have now left home and tbh I do very little to help either of them. I let them get on with it. They come to me when they need me/help.

Umm… just say No OP.

My daughter is 15. She is a child. So is yours.

Saying you would pay for her to rent somewhere is just crazy, why on earth would that even be in your thoughts?

No different to me thinking I was going to move to America with my boyfriend from the Internet years ago as a silly 16yo🤣

The ideas some 16yos come away with... Utterly silly and ill thought out with no clue of the realities.

She'll soon twig her mum knows best and that she's got it good at home.

I can't believe your actually taking her seriously.

If she presents as homeless then you will be contacted to confirm if you are asking her to leave. She will also be assessed by children's services to see if she is a child in need, as the homeless legislation makes it plain that 16/17 should still be in the parental home unless there are exceptional circumstances. If she is deemed to be a child in need then children's services would be responsible for her. This might involve foster care, or a hostel intended for 16/17 year olds.
She needs to understand that she won't just walk into a nice social housing property. Both homeless and social care will do their utmost to try to prevent her becoming homeless.
I was a homeless officer for over 25 years and preventing homelessness was my 1st duty.

my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16

What are her reasons for not liking you?
Why is she not happy?

Have you asked her for more detail?

Are you carefully monitoring her social media and what she's accessing online? I know you're about to tell me that you can't, but you really need to. Read Esther Ghey's book if you need further convincing.

Quite seriously, if you can afford to pay rent for her you could consider paying for her to go to boarding school for 2 years. She stays in education in a safe supportive environment and the pressure is off at home.

I was asking what JHAs you did as a student social worker

As a support worker within a homeless charity, you wont be aware of the front end, how the child makes contact with social care in the first place. None of them feel they come from a loving home, thats the point and thats what this child clearly feels, rightly or wrongly, thats whats being implied by other posters here

So she will present as a child whose needs are not being met, parents hate me, I cant live there, Im suicidal if Im made to go home, they're misgendering me, Im self harming, they dont care for me properly

and so on and so on. She'll say she is signing herself into care and not returning home.

If this was me what I'd do is get some blank paper for her and a pen and sit her down and confidently say to her that you just want to ensure she knows the cost of things, get her to write out everything she thinks she needs to pay and buy and how much each costs, before you do this, you list absolutely everything from personal products, food, phone , clothes, to bills, rent etc EVERYTHING on a sheet of paper and have that ready for when she's finished her list, then you can let her compare them side by side. Hopefully the total cost will be enough to put her off, I also wouldn't be afraid to ask her where she plans on going maybe you can both come up with an agreement to work out how to live together, 15/16 is a dodgy age, they think they know everything and they're sort of adults but still kids. Personally I would keep talking.

Have to agree. OP should just allow DD at 16 to research all this herself if she’s dead set on moving as chances are she won’t be able to find anything and hopefully once out of school, OP can support her with finding work. Once she’s 17 or older if she still wants to at least she may be able to support herself in perhaps shared house or some such. OP can keep an eye/be there for her but ultimately she’ll be an adult and free to make her own choices.

Just giving you a view from someone who moved out of home at 16yrs old. I couldn't bear living at home (for different reasons to your daughter).

In my view if my parents had replied, "and in the meantime we have to live together so let's try to get on", I'd have felt utterly rejected and felt like I had no option but to follow through.

I know everyone is different and we respond to different tactics, but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't say that again, but instead I'd ask her why exactly she feels that she would like to leave home at 16? Really listen to her answers. Talk through solutions. Then talk through the realities of moving out, where would you live? How would you plan on paying rent? Are you aware of the bills required to be paid, such as council tax, water, electricity, gas, mobile phone, broadband (if she wants that), food. Explain to her what minimum wage is for 16 year olds and how much these living costs are compared to that.

Then tell her how much she is loved and welcome at home, and that you really don't want her to leave, that you want to work through the difficulties she's facing. Show her love, show her she's wanted.