16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

lol it’s so much more than rent

i did it. By choice but also by necessity. Council housed me in a flat in a rough area with zero carpets. Furniture was second hand provided by a charity. No white goods. I was absolutely fucked tbh. Low wage at that age and nothing by the end of the week cause the council took whenever was left over. I was at risk from dodgy neighbours. I was alone and nowt to do so I started drinking and staying at mates as much as I could. Tried drugs I never thought I’d dare but the freedom of it all encouraged me. Dunno how I didn’t end up pregnant. I only got out of it by meeting my husband.

I have a recurring conversation with my 6 year old about keeping her bedroom tidy. She says she wants to keep living with me and her father when she is an adult, and I keep telling her that it would be lovely if she did, but she will be an equal housemate, meaning she has to contribute her share of bills and labour. She didn’t like the sound of that, so I explained what it’s like housesharing with other people. She didn’t like the sound of that either, but decided that keeping her bedroom tidy is the easier option. She is 6 years old and seems to get it (albeit reluctantly).
Break it down bill by bill to your 16 year old and ask her where on earth she thinks she is going to get the money to fund this idea of hers.

Because the council should pay to house an entitled bratty 16 year old just because she doesn’t want to live at home?

I certainly don’t want my council tax going toward that.

I’d just call her bluff. I moved out when I was 17, rented a room, but I did have a job and rent was less than my parents were charging me so it wasn’t difficult. My parents were all a fluster, didn’t think I’d survive. I’ve never looked back.

IF that trajectory is followed, then yes, she may end up being accommodated. But right now she won't.

This will never take off. It’s ridiculous. A non-starter.

Tell her you’re interested in her plans - where she will live, who with, what her rent and council tax will be, her utilities, day to day costs. How she will access the internet - is she getting wifi installed? Surely not, as she can’t possibly take a contract at 16.
Does she know how to change a fuse or lightbulb? What happens if the carbon monoxide alarm goes off?

How much is a boiler repair? Does she have a bank account to set up direct debits for all of her bills?
If her neighbour is playing music til 5am, can she get up for her full-time employment a couple of hours later?

The blank stares will tell you all you need to know.

I’m not sure if it’s been suggested but some colleges have live in accommodation.

You can get help with the costs if it’s more than a certain distance away and there are no closer colleges delivering the same course.

I would definitely look into this because there are staff on site and it is much less independent than moving out on her own.

I moved out at a similar age and although I loved having my own space and being away from my abusive family, I was really afraid of the dark and I didn’t know how to do anything like pay bills, fix leaky taps etc and so although I had no choice but to figure it out, if I’d had a loving family home to go back to then I probably would have.

Research "supported accomodation under 18s" in your area because that is probably what she'd be looking at.

Just take things one day at a time.

Your daughter has to be able to support herself, that may well not be possible and she soon realise.

In the meantime she can calm down and work towards her independence. I suggest you don't bother her too much right now, just be there to listen if she needs a sounding board and be supportive - and nice. It may all blow over.

I would be concerned that she’ll intentionally get pregnant in the hopes of getting a council flat (this is not as easy as people think).

Perhaps helping her to move out may mean she doesn’t do this.

If she is deemed to be a child in need then children's services would be responsible for her. This might involve foster care, or a hostel intended for 16/17 year olds.

That's not what being a child in need means and she wouldn't be considered homeless so wouldn't be placed in any kind of care or accommodation

Of course we were aware of why they had entered the system. We had copies of their files from social care including their assessment paperwork. I attended every LAC review for each young person on my caseload, as did all of the other support workers I worked with.

My first placement was with CAMHS, and my second was in an NHS crisis team, so again the answer is none.

I am not sure why you continue to go at me when I responded to another poster who stated she would just “go into care”. In my experience, and I appreciate it’s only mine, a child who has told her parents she wants to move out at 15 is unlikely to just sign herself into care and be happy living in supported accommodation.

Nope, because I would say we are absolutely not accommodating you. Go home.

H was thrown out, when he was 15, before his exams because he would swear at his mother - 'back chat' she called it.

It came to a head when he swore at her for not washing his best jeans for him to wear for a friend's birthday bash. He wasn't allowed in the house again.

He sofa surfed at his friend's for a month whilst labouring for a builder and hasn't spoken to his mother since. He's 62 - and still walks out of rooms his mother enters.

They are both very stubborn ....

A psychologist friend told me about some very sad consequences of his mother's behaviour which turned out to be true and has tainted such a huge chunk of life.

Your 'stubborn' comment triggered my (sorry, unhelpful) post OP - I hope your daughter doesn't leave under a cloud.

I’m not sure what you mean by what will happen. And what’s the process. Likely nothing. And there’s no process. She can leave home if she wants to, and has the means etc.

I left home at 16 and never went back. My parents did nothing to help or hinder. So basically nothing happened other than I got a job and made a life for myself.

If your daughter has the life skills and ability then I guess that’s that. If not she will be back. But there’s no forms to fill in or process to follow unless things have changed since I was 16.

Unfortunately, you don't choose your parents.
Your daughter doesn't sound mature enough to make this step at 16, but if there ever was an option in my then country to present myself as homeless to the council and they would find accommodation, sure as hell I would have gone for it.
No advice, maybe more (calm) communication.

Mother of six, all of whom were moving out on their 16th birthdays.

All are now in their twenties, apart from the 14 year old, and not one of them did it.

I said that too but the reality was very different when looking to find somewhere to live and I soon realised I was better off where I was.

I wouldnt worry too much about this, it will pass especially if she wants to go to university.

You said you didnt work with any late into cares?

Im saying you havent seen the front end of late into cares.

Its a discussion forum, no one is 'going at you' (ridiculous phrase) you are denying that this situation often results in the child coming to care, it does unfortunately. To no ones benefit whatsoever.

Of course she wont be happy signing herself into care, she knows nothing about it, she certainly wont be happy in supported accommodation because no one is going to pussy foot around her like a family would, she'll be given written warnings and then notice if she carried on like this in placement.

As others have said, no landlord is going to rent to her even if you’re the one paying the rent. At 16 years old and still in school (year 11? so doing her GCSEs soon) I doubt she can claim any benefits at all and can’t get a job so has no way to support herself. It’s just not going to happen. Thank god for that. I know a few people who were care leavers back when kids left care at 16 (think it’s usually 18 now?) and it was hard and lonely. I wouldn’t have wanted to trade lives with them.

You're doing the right thing btw, not outwardly feeding into this, not arguing with her about it. Try not to worry about it for now. And if its any consolation, the 2 years between 16 and 18 they usually do an awful lot of growing up so hopefully your daughter will come out the other side of this and be less stroppy 🤞

Realistically she will need to find a friend or adult she can move in with.

If she presents herself as homeless to the council or social services then they will ask you if you are refusing to house her - they won't have a duty to house her as you haven't thrown her out.

If she was my child, I would just tell you love her and will always support her whatever she chooses, and she will always have a safe home with you.

Unless there's a boyfriend she will be moving in with, I think she will quickly realise home is her best option.

I think every teenager says this at some point
I've had it from my eldest (16 in July) but I know she would be useless without us in the house because she'd do fuck all

Don't worry about it, don't take it seriously. She'll come to her senses

This is by far the worst thing you could do OP! You're enabling her tantrums and childish behaviour. She is nowhere near mature enough to make sound decisions so paying for her to live somewhere else would just feed that entitlement.
Like a lot of other people are saying, get her to apply to the council when the time comes so she sees just how difficult it really is. My friend is a senior housing officer for the council and trust me, she won't get a brand spanking new, all fully furnished flat that she can do as she pleases in!
Allow her to make this bold.move and be there for her when she realises just how difficult it is and what a great home she is leaving behind when she comes crawling back

when i was 18 (on my birthday in fact!), i had to move into assisted accommodation (usually 18-25, but i think sometimes that included 16+) by presenting as homeless to the council. i had threatened to leave from 16 but i definitely couldn’t have - i only left when my situation at home hit breaking point and police got involved (not instigated by myself - i did have a partner who’s parents helped me to get the right support)

when i tell you that place was the worst place for someone my age to be, i’m not joking

full of people dealing, teenage pregnancies, violent people, always fights and drama

a man tried to break down a door and attack me as he just snapped once. he ended up addicted to class A’s and living homeless shortly after

people who’d been to prison, were on the way to prison, someone who lived there was committing fraud and actually wanted by the police - he was a dealer who gave us a fake name

the support was abysmal in regards to safeguarding - i was constantly scared. on top of this, they also put you with a flatmate - luckily for me, the girl i was placed with was the only normal person in the building, and we are still very close friends years later! both flatmates she had before me became pregnant from men in the building within 6 months of living there in order to get a council flat

they also only give you UC, and you are not encouraged to get a job. you also have to pay 20% of this as ‘rent’ (it’s more of a token amount), so we would have around £200 a month total for all expenses. thankfully, i got a job and things got a lot easier - i was only there for 6 months but i look back at that time and thing WTF was i doing there! i am successful now and have a well paid job, a lovely partner and roof over my head.

the people that get put there get stuck in the system, and the cycle repeats. this was with a YMCA run place - i would say that this is the norm for the council provided places.

not trying to worry you but it might be worth outlining all of this to her - these people have trauma and have suffered all sorts, and are very sadly stuck in a vicious cycle

OP, i really hope she is just doing a classic teenager ‘woe is me, hate my parents, i have no freedom’. one week of a place like that and she’ll eat her words

i appreciate it must be very tough, but i thought i could share some insight - i would not mention paying for rent AT ALL, especially as she probably wouldn’t be able to be somewhere legally at that age without a job/in education

i hope it gets a bit easier for you all

xxxxx

ETA: specifying housing situation

Looking at a college with accommodation is a good idea though.
There's one near me that's fairly rural and has 'halls' for 16-18 year olds in term time that includes breakfast and dinner.

It wasn't that long ago that people were able to leave education at 16 and get a full-time job on the same wages as anyone else. It's only in recent years that the government(s) have upped the school-leaving age to 18 to massage the unemployment figures, and changed the minimum wage so that employers can legally pay shit wages to under 18s and slightly less shit wages to under 21s. Which makes it really difficult for them to leave home and rent themselves a room, like previous generations could and did.

There are children who need to leave home at 16 (not saying the OP's dd is necessarily one of them) because of issues at home like an alcoholic parent etc, and now it's much more difficult.