16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

She can present at housing as homeless, they would try and negotiate with you to get her home and alert social services who would do the same. She can ask to be accommodated in care aged 16/17 however it would be assessed and if it's judged not to be needed, the Local Authority would try and shut it down and push back. It's unlikely she would be offered accommodation especially if you say you want her at home.

Next time she says it ask her if she's started looking at unis yet. If she asks why then just feign surprise and said you thought that's what she meant.

Op, sorry going in a different direction here but I think sorting out the issues amd getting outside help to do so is what you should do. you clearly have money to throw at the issue if you are happy to pay rent for her. I know you said you didnt want to discuss her reasons , and im not asking to know. Put a caravan in the garden , offer to separate her room up instead but we all know her moving out at the stroke of midnight on her 16th birthday is nonsense. Im taking your post at face value that the home is a safe environment for your child so surely the aim is to resolve the issues not cause more problems. you need to get to the bottom of the problems and find out why she has such a strong desire to leave.

She will need to declare herself homeless to the council & she will be eligible for emergency housing due to her age & vulnerability.
Social care will be involved & there ought to be some sort of supported accommodations. (Whether there's vacancies immediately is another matter)
It will vary a lot by area but there will be hostels which take young people from 16 - usually move on accommodation for young people in care or whose placements have broken down which can often be due to challenging behaviour.

They can be challenging environments & can be a steep learning curve for people who haven't grown up in care. Eg you come home drunk one night & it's not a telling off & grounding from mum, instead you pack your bags & take yourself down to the council office with your eviction letter.

I would talk to through with her & her social worker - if she isn't yet known to services she will need to be referred. Her social worker/key worker may be able to let her see the hostel set up & that might encourage her to work with you to stay at home.

The rent for hostel placements is very high due to the supported element (prob £2k a month) & they won't normally take private funding. Young people are placed by need rather than given a choice.

My ds moved out aged 16 to do an apprenticeship. They paid his accommodation. Might this be an option for her?

I don’t have any answers - just wanted to say that I hope you’re ok - best as can be in this situation.

I recommend getting her some counselling.

Yeah, when I was fifteen I announced that I would be moving into a flat in Richmond upon Thames overlooking the Thames and driving a two seater Mercedes.

no one argued with me. Sigh.

Because it's preferable to her just upping and leaving and her parents having no idea where she is and who she's with.
As the parent of a teenage runaway (she was found but it was the worst experience of my life, bar none) it makes absolute sense to me that OP would facilitate and support her daughter instead of laying down the law and potentially losing her forever.
it's very easy to judge but if you've never been there you have no idea.

My daughter's 17 year old friend did this.
She made herself homeless by staying this friends, social worker was then involved to try to repair relationship at home, then she was offered hostel or told sometimes a host family can take and I think at 18 she could go on a council flat list from those options.

She wouldn't get a choice to where accommodation was in the county, so could have been very isolated.

No one is going to rent a flat to a 16 year old, also she is too young to live alone. Do not help her. When she is older and realises how silly she was she will probably see it as crazy you helped her. It could all just be a cry for help, paying for her could reinforce the feelings that you don't want her there or that your relationship with her isn't worth fighting for. She isn't an adult with a fully developed brain. Unless she's experiencing abuse in your home then you should do everything you can to make her stay.

Instead try to work through why she feels home is such a bad place that she would rather be on her own. Maybe talk to her GP about the threats she is making and see if you can get some help.

Good luck, parenting teens is hard. This sounds really tough.

I've only read this first page but shocked at the way posters are talking about this girl and dismissing her feelings. For a child to want to get away from the family home so badly, they must be in a very dark place. I left home when I was 15 (this was 40 years ago) and was basically homeless. It was the best decision I've ever made. I had no help from ss or council.

This sounds remarkably similar to my sibling .. who was subsequently diagnosed with autism (presents very differently in teenage girls!). I'd look into it, and see if you think it matches up and try get assessment.

Practically speaking, she will find it nigh on impossible to find anywhere to rent. She has no credit history and is legally still a child. I lived next door to a sort of halfway house of young care leavers and there was a 17 year old living there, as although she was very sensible and working full time, nowhere else would rent to her. (As an aside, although most of the kids there were lovely, there was a fair amount of underage drinking and drug use, fights and ambulance visits and one lad explained to me that he was sitting on the doorstep as his ankle tag wouldn’t let him leave the property!😂)

Is it worth getting a social worker involved if you don’t already have one? The council is probably the best bet but as she is suitably housed she will be a LONG way down the list.

Also, are you getting any support? It’s clearly very upsetting for you and you need to look after your own mental health to be able to parent a teenager with all those Big Feelings that she clearly has.

Good luck 🍀

Absolutely this. I moved out of my parents at 17 (with my boyfriend of the same age though which I know is different), I found it difficult at home, but also craved independence. I would talk through the options with her and show her that. you will support her whatever she chooses, this shouldn’t be through paying of the rent though.

I was wondering what her social circle is like. Does she have a youth worker or support worker? It sounds like she could do with a neutral adult she can build a safe relationship with who can help her reflect on this and why it's not a great idea long term. Would family mediation be an option? Are the trust involved? Do you have any concerns about cse or cce - is she out late, do you know where she is, any unexplained money/ gifts etc? Have you been through her phone to rule out manipulation from a third party?

Without understanding the context of why she's saying these things, I think it actually makes it a bit harder to advise as there may or may not be additional support available to her. I think the difficulty you have is that obviously you don't want her moving out at 16 but at the same time, at 16 you'd be trying to teach them independence so when they are 18 they aren't moving out without the necessary skills. Is it possible she has undiagnosed sen/nd? Has she had any trauma/ is she adopted or care experienced in any way?

I think if it were me, I'd try to have a very rational conversation when she next brings it up, calmly and constructively and try to agree boundaries (with equal input from you and her and whoever else is in your home) and then you agree to stick to it. I'd agree a forefit, so if someone doesn't uphold their end of the bargain there is a consequence for them that's mutually agreed in advance so you don't need to 'nag'. And then I'd step back and try to give some space and focus on the relationship and improving it. If you can get to a workable place with that, then if at 16 she's still talking about moving out, you can start to prep with her for turning 18. I'd also offer to enrol her in a hobby like cadets or similar to occupy her time and create new friendships and practice discipline.

Any decent youth worker will be encouraging her to think these things through rationally and will maybe help her do the actual maths as well as consider her own behaviours.

Is there any other source of friction in your home? Is your partner (if you have one) parenting in a supportive way? Are you both on the same page?

Encourage her to do it properly. Look through house listings together, see how much rent and bond is. look at utility provider costs, ways of getting furniture new or second hand. Encourage her to make a list of all the things she will need, sheets, dishes, vacuum, pots and pans, soap, washing machine.

Then encourage her to check out jobs that pay enough to cover her expenses. Either it will deter her, and she will realise she's not ready, or she will do it anyway but have the best chance of succeeding.

She might even find that landlords and utility providers may not be allowed to have a person under certain ages sign tenancy agreements, I'm not sure what country you are in so I'm not sure what the legal age to sign documents is.

Does she want to keep pets at her new house? Check what hoops she will have to jump through for that, sometimes landlords are no pets, sometimes they ask for pet bond.

Stop responding or tell her she only has so many weeks / months to find a job and somewhere to live so she best start looking now . If she has a paddy over washing a plate now wtf does she think has to do it when she lives alone the fairies?
Why would you pay her rent what exactly is that teaching her she thinks she's old enough to leave let her crack on she will be back quickly once she realises the expenses and work needed when you have your own place .

My son used to leave home regularly at 15 over something or other. Always something small that started it off. He only ever called my Dad to pick him up or slept at a friends. He did once present himself as homeless at the local council. They contacted me and I assured them he left of his own volition. He returned home after I picked him up and as he got older, it got better. Stick with it, ignore the stupid things they say and let them go if they tell you where they're going. Perhaps your daughter needs to do what I did with mine, arrange for her to meet some of the homeless children in the area who have been kicked out on their 16th birthday. Hearing their stories would make anyone sit up and listen.

If I were you, I would ignore all the moving out talk and focus instead on the fact she isn't happy and is upset with ye. She won't get very far anyway with no money and no clear plans. I would ask her what's wrong and is she ok. She must be pretty upset over something to feel like moving out.It could be worth hearing her out

Well you’ve clearly raised a spoilt, entitled little shit of a child. Having a tantrum about washing a plate, and threatening to move out etc. Paying her rent, council tax, utilities, food etc for a separate property because she’s a trumped up little brat is hardly helping her long term.

Blimey, teen girls can be so difficult!!
I would say to prove to you that she can live independently she now needs to do all her own cooking, washing up, laundry, shopping, pay for her phone, not use your wifi, watch your tv etc. Do absolutely nothing for her. I think she’ll very quickly realise what a good life she has at home.

I would think the staying with friends criteria would only apply if the young person was totally unable to go home in this climate of housing shortage. Same as any benefits she would be entitled to.

My mum used to say she would help us pack to me and my sisters It deflated our bubble immediately. Teenage girls are hard.
If you are worried your daughter seems more emotionally unstable than most maybe get her checked by a doctor if you can get her there. You may need some family counseling.

Seen this all the time. They can't bring themselves to say no as they worry about the grandchildren. Meanwhile mum's living a better life than anyone.

And the competition as to who has it worse, whose had the most stepfathers etc. Sounds like she's being influenced by these friends.

Is she aware that she will need to wash her clothes and plates if she moves out?