16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

Absolutely do not pay her rent. Sit down and talk figures with her and ask how she’s going to pay for it.

I am sure your 15 year old DD is capable of Googling and finding out how very difficult her life would be if she moved out.

This. I really think you need to share the kind of information she needs before attempting a big life change. Sit her down when she says it again, keeping it all factual. She'll be able to decide for herself thereafter what she really wants.

Well she has a choice, stay in the bosom of her warm family or go it alone, with no job or life skills by the sounds. 16 is young! Social will end up involved. But tbh, it sounds like a threat. Make sure you let her know you are not expecting her to move out at 16. If she leaves with no where to go, it could end in disaster in a few different ways.

I would encourage her to get a job
If she starts saving up she will see exactly how far her money doesn't go and how much nicer it would be to spend her money on some fun things for a while rather than on getting by.
She'll also be mixing with adults which might help with a sense of perspective.

Princess Diana (RIP) took her children to visit & volunteer in homeless charities.

In turn they are now taking their children.

Perhaps you could get her to volunteer at a local community food bank or soup kitchen.

Lots of people, including people that work are struggling with the cost of living. Even with the assistance of government benefits.

Some other countries provide no benefits & no free health care !

give her a list of monthly outgoings with a typical rented room cost
ask her how she is going to PAY for it
stroppy 16 year old

This!!!! I regularly told my mum how much I hated living with her and how I was going to move out on my 16th birthday and in my head that was absolutely the plan. She was stuck with me until I was 23.

she’s a teenager why have you told her you’ll pay her rent? Absolute madness.

give her the plate back and tell her to shut it !!!

I know a 17 year old who did this when her parents asked her to keep basic rules, go to college, not stay out for days, keep room tidy etc. She presented herself at the council and said she’d been kicked out - parents, when contacted said it was untrue. Council were sympathetic to parents’ upset but had to put her in a hostel and she claimed benefits. Parents persuaded her to come back after a few months, supported her through studying, work etc for a few years. They truly bent over backwards for her but she treated them and spoke to them terribly. She used to go off for days with men she met on the internet and had/has no respect for parents. She later moved out and has rewritten her past - told terrible lies (especially about her mother) and they rarely hear from her- she’s also gone NC with her siblings. Parents offered family therapy, everything but she wasn’t interested. The strain broke their marriage and deeply affected her siblings. The daughter just didn’t like her parents - she was and remains a horrible person who was egged on by her ‘friends’. In her thirties now and still blaming her shit decisions on her parents - especially her mum.
My advice is to let her go and work it out but do not pay for her and set firm boundaries. You must also look after yourself and any other siblings.

Are there cultural issues or religious issues ongoing ?

Shamina Begum left for a "better life" but she must have been groomed & naive

She has not been allowed back into UK

An extreme example, however I see 9 year old on MN today with social media accounts
.......

I’d be worried about this too, does she have a boyfriend?
She’s clearly got some rose-tinted glasses vision of living a ‘wonderful do whatever I like’ existence and will find some means of doing so ( just pray that that doesn’t involve getting an older boyfriend who can pay for her)

I’m sure it’ll have been mentioned but tell her what a great plan! Let’s do a practice run, she can go get a job and pay for everything at home, own phone, clothes, food etc!

She's testing boundaries and seems very spoilt and entitled like most teens these days. Saying you'll pay her rent if she can't afford it proves this. She's expecting you to push back just go along with it for now and tell her while you miss her you understand dhe wants to stand on her own two feet and that she will always have a bed and a place at your table should she want to return. I mean let's be honest she argues about washing a plate she isnt going to get far.

It can be impossible to get right, but I feel at 16 with both DDs we start(ed) to move towards a flat mates kind of relationship. I treat their room as pretty private, and am certainly not nosing about in their stuff (unless I had a drugs concern), they do at least some of their washing (though I don't mind doing it particularly if things are full on or they get overwhelmed) and I don't mind if they want to buy and cook different food, or have friends/boyfriends over within reason, and I try and make sure they have their own space - like they can take over the kitchen with their mates if they want to (it operates a bit like a second sitting room anyway). Obviously this is a gradual process and can start sooner if they are mature enough and can be slower if they aren't.

Is there a way you could give DD a bit more space, autonomy and independence, but at home, like this, OP?

It’s a steep learning curve for here! Oh the arrogance of youth!! Ask her to budget It all on a piece of paper, it’s ridiculous. She will end up back at home within a day or this won’t happen so I wouldn’t worry. She would have leaned a good life lesson though!! And humility!

My 17 year old DD did this.

Just let her go. Do not contribute financially. Let her come home to do her washing and eat if she needs it (she will).

Mine lasted 2 months before she realised it wasnt as much fun as she thought it would be and came home

I would not be offering to pay her rent’?! That’s crazy and so entitled of her to even think that! She’s free to leave at 16, my sister did and moved in with an older boyfriend and the police were not interested. She is very silly to keep saying she’ll move out when she’s jobless and cannot legally sign a rental agreement. If she does present herself as homeless at the council, they will call you to ask if she is homeless. You can decide whether to say she is or not. Personally I’d say she is welcome to stay but prone to tantrums and walks out often. If you do say she cannot come home then they would give her a temporary hotel room to stay in. But it’s very basic and she wouldn’t have any access to money and food, unless she claimed for universal credit.

And when say she lasted two months, after the first week she came home every night for dinner and to watch netflix!

My brother used to threaten this all the time in the end my mum got up and said come on then I'll help you pack, course he seen his arse at this point and panicked and started crying.

Don't even take her on, teens are savage I've got a 17 year old boy and a 4 year old girl and my eldest has been the worst since becoming a teen, after being the most chilled out loving child. Now I'm privileged if I get a grunt or moan when I speak to him 😂

And the hotel room most definitely wouldn't be the type you stay in whilst on holiday.
Other residents will have MH issues,drug and drink issues.

Bless. Society is not set up for a sixteen year old to stand on their own two feet I’m afraid. Frankly, given the housing crisis you are doing well to do so by twenty-six.

Oh just to add mine was cured by getting a job and realising how far his minimum wage for a teenager wage did not go…that was our turning point! It was all fantasy until reality bit, and reality didn’t bite until he was earning and it became a reality not a fantasy. It’s easy to mentally spend imaginary money on your own place. Less so when you start earning, enjoy wasting and buying fun things and are subsequently horrified at the idea of no longer being able to do that any more if you have your own place.

Came back, tail between legs after that.

Yes that’s true. Usually the whole floor is filled homeless people, some do have drug/alcohol/ mental health issues. I’ve interpreted complaints from some homeless people who said they feel unsafe in these rooms.

Oh and I can tell you one version of what happens when a well meaning (or not so well meaning but wealthy and wants a problem child out from under their feet) pays the rent on a flat for a 16 year old..

The flat turns into a hang out spot/drug den/doss house for every young person who realises the vulnerable and naive young person living there is lonely, wants company, feels scared etc - so they suddenly have a new bunch of VERY unsavoury 'friends' who will introduce them to all sorts of nasties.

Getting your kid away from these people is really fucking difficult and often the more you try the further they'll push you away.

I did 8 weeks alone at 16 - my mum had rented us a house whilst the family home was solved and shortly after we moved in, she was sectioned - quite violently removed from the property in the middle of the night after her then boyfriend called them - then he packed up his shit and left. No one was told I was there and i hid in my room during the whole episode.

It was the summer holidays so no teachers to notice either. I fended for myself with a dog sitting job for most of the summer that gave me £30 a week and a friends Mum at some point cottoned on that I was alone and bought me some shopping. It was horrific, I could not get rid of arseholes and hangers on trying to stay in the house, many of my belongings were stolen. Eventually the kind Mum of friend got the whole story out of me and shamed my Dad into coming and getting me - quite why I didn't seek help actively I really, to this day, do not know. I think I kept thinking my Mum would just reappear and all would be well. (She was eventually discharged two weeks after my Dad came and collected me. Until the day she died she never ever said a word about it, about abandoning me or anything!)

Not quite the same for OP's daughter, but often when kids are dropped in the deep end they DON'T seek help appropriately, they don't do what you may think is fucking obvious, they bury their heads in the sand and hope it all works out ok.