16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

My sister did the same. She had a bf who lived a fair distance away and would stay there for weekends. When they broke up the relationship with our parents got worse as she was at home all the time.

My dad suggested she join the navy if she was serious about leaving. It even got as far as him filling out the paperwork and getting a date for the interview. On the day he was going to drive her there and she refused to get in the car. She didn't mention it again.

Our childhood was quite shit though tbh. We're all NC with our parents now. I did leave at 16 after getting pregnant. (Not an accident as then it was a case of baby=flat) I got council accommodation which was an absolute hole. Is DD on birth control OP?

I lived in a b&b many years ago honestly it was akin to a zoo.
One bathroom shared with nine others.
Three to a room.

So she tantrums over washing a plate and plans to leave home on her 16th birthday I can't quite believe that you cannot see what an opiniated spoilt character she is
Give her a dose of reality, let her go she can go to the council about housing if need be and once she realises how the world really is it could change her; because why should you pay rent when she's the one that wanted to leave and how much is that going to be plus additional bills?
You sound a really good mum
But sometimes enough is enough
I've not really offered any pratical advice but I'm getting the feeling she may always pull against you
Just saying

Are there any colleges she can apply to, with accommodation/funding? Might help to try and work to a realistic version of independence she can work towards.

I would turn the tables and say ok, that's fine - you'll obviously need a job, so have a look at how much you can earn, then see how much rent you can afford to pay. You'll need to shop, cook, clean, wash your clothes, go to work etc. so maybe a local job. Calmly going along with it might just diffuse it and make it easier for her to change her mind.....and make it clear that she will have to do everything for herself, that's what being independent is all about - she'll realise home is much better xx

Private renting she will be too young as most you need to be 18 others it’s over 21 and will need to prove she earns enough to cover rent and normally that would only be 1/3rd of their income, plus have a guarantor who would need to prove they have enough disposable income to pay all their own bills plus the other rent.
If she looks into it, she may well change her mind. As it’ll involve going to the council and ending up miles away from everything often in old student accommodation tiny room sharing kitchen and bathrooms with others often single parents with children.

No they don't

You've hit the nail on its head with this story
Maybe she really hates her parents and will always be horrible to handle

You do realise if you pay her rent and actually make it easy for her, it’s more likely she’ll move out🤔

@Allaboutthechild I am a housing officer for the local authority. A 16 yr old would not be eligible for the housing register, and no private landlord would give her a private tenancy.

If she cane to us as homeless, we would first call the parents, and then send her home. If the parenrs wouldnt have her home, it would be a referral to childrens services.

We would not be providing temporary accommodation.

We could refer to supported housing such as the YMCA. I wouldnt recommend it.

Depending on where you are, you could possibly take her to the council offices where she wil be told exactly how things work and to go home. It might help.

To add, dont for gods sake offer to pay rent. You coould offer to sit with her and go through a budgeting spreadsheet. And let her wonder how she will pay for it all.

Such places are for teens actually in need, not OP’s disgruntled child.

Thank you I am but I’m not totally proud of my past behaviours. But we live and learn.
I think the OP sounds a great mum asking for advice on how to handle this situation as it is a tricky one.

There is zero chance this is realistically going to materialise given she is presumably not working. If she leaves home at 16 she is looking at being taken into care services or living on the street. Unless she has an older boyfriend or something willing to house her. No landlord is going to rent to a 16 year old child. Even if they would, she would be looking at a house share and again no one is going to agree that it is safe to house a child in a HMO. You are all being delusional. Just tell her she is welcome to have her independence at 16 and let her figure it out.

As a once stroppy teen and now mum to one…I can guess that this has become a ‘thing’ because you and DH are giving it emotional space to the point you are posting about it on here. She knows it gets a reaction (teens are hyper alert to your responses even if you don’t show it) so it’s her default when she wants to push your buttons.

as I say - zero chance she will be able to follow through with this. For balance - I lived alone in a cheap northern town during my early 20s, 15 or so years ago. I earned about £900pcm take home. After rent, council tax, bills, food, clothes, a little socialising etc etc I was utterly broke. Given the price of everything has gone up and wages have stagnated I would guess she will be unable to support herself at all. And would she even know how to find a flat, register for taxes, bills etc or would you assist with that too?

I would recommend some training that my husband and I completed via our local authority called NVR ‘non violence resistance’.
it really helped us with de-escalation strategies with our angry and reactive teen.

Good luck with it all.
Try to remember that this season will pass.

I left home at 16 20 0dd years ago so alot might of changed .I went to the homeless part of the council and was put in an awful hostel full of drug users and alcoholics im not judging them but at 16 with no life experience it was terrifying .
I was then given a flat in a run down estate that was worse that the hostel the kind were you were scared to go out it wasn't long before I went home with my tail between my legs.

She can't rent at 16 as she's not an adult. She also can't leave home without your permission so if she does you can call police.
You would have to do everything, deposit, contract, rent, services accounts, etc
She might be able to find a spot as a lodger, with a family she knows but it won't be her rules there either and if she's not earning she will never grow up and start paying it herself.

If she was adamant about it you could talk to social services about fostering or their Shared Lives service. Then she would still be cared for in a family but not at home. She might need qualifying criteria like a mental health diagnosis or learning disability.

The fact that you'd call the parents, and send a child home if the parents agreed, is awful. You must surely know that some parents only agree to keep up appearances, and are massively abusive behind closed doors? Even more abusive if the child has 'shown them up' by trying to leave? I just can't believe that you've not had training in this kind of scenario! I'm actually horrified.

That's insane. If you don't pay her rent she can't go. Why would you facilitate this?

My son moved out at 16 to join the RAF. They did an apprenticeship that no one else offered. I know that’s not what your daughter is saying but maybe have a look at the different careers she could do.
After basic training she would be a lot more appreciative of home!

Housing officers aren't social workers, it's not their job to assess risk. If a teen is disclosing actual risk of harm at home then a social worker will complete an assessment jointly with specialist young person's housing workers and potentially the teenager may become a looked after child in supported accommodation. But of course a housing officer will send them home if they have somewhere to live - they aren't homeless!

Actually she won't be able to rent at 18 without you either as she'll need a guarantor.

Have a look at jobs with her where she can live in or get accommodation included like housekeeping, pub, cruise ships, armed forces, agriculture, etc

Show you're into helping her achieve her ambitions.

Marking the days off on the calendar is her trying to exert some control. If she really wanted to leave that much, she would have already left by now.

I did this at 16. My parents wrote a letter to confirm they had kicked me out (they hadn’t - I just wanted to move out) I claimed what was then income support and housing benefit covered a rented room in a house share.

I look back and I wish my parents had kept me at home instead of facilitating my teenage whims. My home life wasn’t awful. I was just depressed and a bit lost. I also wouldn’t be offering to pay rent if my child was trying the same. If I had to bribe them to stay at home / in education I would be spending the money doing that