16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

Of course you don’t want her to be unsafe, but by paying her rent you run the risk of indulging her tantrum (assuming she has no good reason for wanting to leave home) and making the living-on-her-own experience unrealistically pleasant.

Just to point out if she chooses to leave home which is a safe environment then I'm pretty sure she won't be considered homeless and the council won't help her as she does have a safe home to go back to. The system is packed full with people who are truly homeless and/ or escaping domestic violence which don't have places to go. Show her listings of places she can privately rent and all associated costs involved and then the average salary a 16 year old can achieve.

Rescuing a 16 year old from poor choices if at all possible is part of what parenting is about.

I would probably sit her down & ask her what her expectations are, where she will live/pay for it etc. I would also try and determine why she wants to. Like annoying younger siblings/lack of space.

as a sensible measure, do you have space in your back yard where you could put one of them portacabin like buildings, make it a little home for her/independent space so she has that freedom but also still has you there if needed.

you being supportive towards her will be a better action than conflict and trying to stop her as it could fracture the relationship

Why not let her test this by doing her own laundry, cooking and washing up, maybe also food shopping, while she’s still 15 to get a taste of being independent. Ask her to show how she would support herself, income, rent, bills, food etc and ask her to show she’s ready to leave and be independent. This may give her the feeling of responsibility that she craves and also help her see how much better off she is staying with her family for another couple of years.

I wouldn’t be enabling this at all or making it any easier for her. I’m pretty sure at her age she can’t claim benefits which means she can’t rent anywhere and would need you to pay it, which you won’t (or you shouldn’t).
If she tries to present as homeless I think she would quickly come to the attention of social work services, who wouldn’t entertain her because she hasn’t been kicked out or had to leave for welfare reasons.
Tell her to stop being such a silly, entitled brat.

I’m not sure if this will help, but I was the same at 16. I was going to move out (with reluctant parental support, much the same as you). But I didn’t. The reality of it was far harsher than what was in my immature imagination. I’m 40 now, fairly well adjusted and have a fantastic relationship with my parents and siblings, a stark contrast to 16 year old me. If you’re able to ride it out, definitely try to do so. Also counselling for your daughter might be worthwhile. All the best to you

She's got all the advice she needs on the thread already, don't waste your friends' time

As someone who moved out at 15 due to an unpleasant relationship with parents it was certainly doable due to a fortunate set of circumstances where a good friend’s parents owned a few properties and were happy to allow me to stay in one for minimal rent and keeping the place up. I also had a job so paying rent and bills wasn’t an issue.

I doubt your DD has the means or luck to pull this off but I just wanted to chip in and say moving out was the space we all needed and looking back I was a difficult teenager but am now on great terms with my mum & dad so don’t lose all hope, the teenage years are the worst

No. Don’t do that.

There are videos created by people who live in America.
One guy helps people in return for their life stories, simple 5 minute videos.
Another guy helps the homeless get back onto their feet, he funds rehab, find their families & accommodation. So you see the before & after lives of these people.
Some of these people have been homeless since 14 or younger & it is heart breaking, they are older now.

If you are someone that is interested in sociology, people & how society lives, these are a reality check.

These are darker than the "MTV pregnant at 16" TV programmes.

I have met lots of weird & wonderful people myself. However, not everyone is kind, honest or reliable out there. Your DD is probably not very street savvy.

I left home at 17. I claimed benifits on the basis that I was estranged from my parents due to a different in cultural beliefs. Their behave was considered abusive. I had to live in emergency accommodation. Then in a room in a shared accommodation with other single, homeless young people. It was hard. I lost a lot of weight because I couldn't afford to eat properly. However, I was very self sufficient and cook cook , clean, understood bill paying ect. I think you will be doing her a disservice if you facilitate this. She isn't in danger. She isnt being abused. She's being a teenager. I'd let her be uncomfortable and see all the privileges she has in the family home. Setting her up in a flat is going to make her vulnerable to cookooing. Her place will be the hub for all and sundry and all the undesirable crap they get upto.

I think that actually you do need to go back to the question of why she is saying this.

You seem to think that she would rather be on the streets that live at home?

Easy to end up living like this

Marc Singer
Dark Days

m.imdb.com/title/tt0235327/?ref_=ext_shr_lnk

My friend did this when she was around 17 her parents were devastated and it massively affected the relationship that I had with her too. She initially moved into a hostel and then moved into what was essentially a squat. After the squat we really lost contact I remember going over and couldn’t believe that’s how she wanted to live and we were so far different I never really saw her after about 18/19. She massively seemed to loose her way but she worked and as far as I know she’s married with a kid and has a relationship with her parents. As her friends and knowing her parents we really couldn’t understand why she chose to do what she did, I’m unsure if her parents ever funded her though

Do the council have to house someone who left a perfectly acceptable and loving home? Surely lots of kids would be doing this if so.

Suggest look at some of these real stories

"Soft White Underbelly is an American YouTube channel by Mark Laita that interviews "people who are frequently invisible in society—the unhoused, the sex worker, the chronic drug user, the runaway, the gang member, the poor and the sick".

But the key part is allowing them to make the poor choices and, crucially, experiencing the consequences first.

Otherwise how will she ever learn that her actions have consequences at all? Swooping in to prevent her ever having deal with the negatives will mean that she will continue to make poor choices as she knows that mummy and daddy will always make it ok for her, which is very poor parenting.

Sorry this is happening to you. My eldest daughter did this. On her 16th birthday she moved out while we were at work. She spent a few years living with various undesirable boys (they were all teens too) and my heart was constantly in my mouth. I don’t think I slept properly for a long time. She was diagnosed with a mental health condition aged 19. On meds, she settled but continued to live in not the nicest of places however was entitled to benefits. Now she is 33, has a decent partner, a stepchild and 2 shared children and doing much better (still with diagnosis and on meds and benefits). It’s so hard to go through as a parent and it took me a long time to breathe and just trust that what would be would be - hoping that all would be well in the end.It was watch and wait. I had counselling to help with the emotions I was feeling.

Might she be a good candidate for boarding for sixth form? State boarding? Some kind of bursary or scholarship? Or is there a relative she could move in with?
Sometimes sixth form age students do better living with a relative.

The phrase pissing in the wind springs to mind.
As you will be aware there's a chronic shortage of council housing.
Spoilt brat 16 yr olds aren't going to be a priority.

What is the atmosphere really like at home. Are you perhaps turning a blind eye on some issues that are making her feel that way. My DD is the type that is going to leave home as soon as she can due to emotional abuse from DH. I didnt even realise their relationship could be called emotional abuse and have been on a very steep learning curve recently hence am divorcing DH. So worth reviewing the home environment and being brutally honest with the situation.

I know a couple of young people who have moved out, much to their family's despair

They hung around older people
Drugs, sex, sofa surfing, parties, alcohol or work for accommodation & food

It doesn't quite work like that. Councils have very little housing stock right across the country. She will more than likely be given a room in staffed emergency accommodation and her likelihood of getting a flat is virtually zero. Local Authorities have to ensure her safety not provide her with her dream flat. Does she know the realities of the situation? May be helpful if she was made aware of what's on offer, perhaps encourage her to visit the local council Housing section to find out what they can provide which will probably be a bit of a shock to her.. As far as paying for rent, in most areas private rentals are gone before they hit the market but it does depend on where you are. Perhaps stop enabling her by thinking of paying her rent. No doubt even though she says she doesn't like you, she will like your money enabling her fantasies. Perhaps tell her to stand on her own feet, get a job and then look for housing rather than you pay her rent. If you really want to keep her safe, make her grow up before she leaves. She doesn't sound at all mature and quite frankly, neither do you if you're complicit in her rather childish solution to not doing things she dislikes.. What you're proposing won't keep her safe but not enabling her will..

No, it’s not. That’s enabling. She would absolutely have somewhere to go - home!