Today I was harassed by a homeless person. AIBU?

[CopeWithChange]

Today, I was in a popular coffee shop in a big city, with my husband and children. Someone approached us - who appeared male but possibly a transgender woman. They said they were homeless and asked me to buy them a drink. I have always tried to be good to the homeless, and a drink seems to be a reasonable request so I said yes. I instructed my DH to wait with the kids and walked this person to the queue. I quite quickly began regretting this decision. My DH was watching carefully, but this individual quite quickly started saying things to make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I’m late 30’s and would say very feminine in appearance. They started saying to me that I was transgender and asking what surgery I had had done. They then looked at my husband saying he sickened them. That he was disguising and he would make sure I was free of him soon. He kept saying “just look at him, watching you. It’s disgusting! but you’ll be free of him very, very soon! My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were. I rushed over to the cashier and said “I need to pay, I need to pay now.” She could see me being uncomfortable and being followed by this individual, who appeared to be possibly on drugs. I made sure my face expressed my fear. It wasn’t hard, as I was genuinely getting frightened. The cashier sent me back to the card readers, where a colleague was working. I said, “can I please pay for this persons drink. I need to pay and I need to leave.” The assistant had me wait while they served the current customer, and the other lady continued making drinks for other customers. There was a lady in the queue I was looking to for help. I’m in my 30’s. She looked very uneasy but avoided all eye contact with me. I paid and left. The individual shouted abuse at my husband as we left and threatened him with assault.

I feel shaken up. No one in ear shot helped. No one cared. Everyone turned a blind eye, despite me knowing they could hear and see. My husband was worried but also fearful to walk my children over and was genuinely out of ear shot. If the man had become visibly aggressive, he would have intervened in a shot. I don’t want him to be flamed here. But the individuals right next to me all did nothing. I feel shaken and upset over this. AIBU to hope that people would do more?

I don’t think the cashier was unreasonable to serve people in order, and I don’t know if I would have intervened with someone who was mentally ill or on drugs, especially when your husband didn’t.

I’m sorry you had an upsetting experience when you were just trying to be kind.

Why do you think other people should have said something to protect you when you weren’t prepared to say anything to him yourself?

There are plenty of ways you could have told him to go away and you could have put his drink back.

They either thought you were with them, seeing as you were together and you were buying them a drink, or they thought if you're going to buy beggars, homeless, mentally ill, trans or on drugs, drinks, you can deal with the uncomfortable outcome - and reacting to it may have inflamed the situation more in any case.

I understand that you were unsettled by this but what would you want people to do exactly? What would another woman in her 30th do that you couldn't?

All they could really do is to tell him to go away. Which, truthfully, you could have done yourself.

On what planet would you pay for a drink after someone gave you a mouthful of abuse?

You could have just walked away.

Unfortunately OP, many people are too afraid of the consequences of stepping into an awkward situation, fearing getting stabbed or something for their trouble. In your shoes, I would have asked my husband to go and buy the guy a drink, and stayed with the kids myself, and I certainly wouldn't have gone ahead and paid for his drink after the way he started making you feel uncomfortable, and talking the way he did about your DH. I would have said 'If you continue to talk about my husband like that, you can forget the drink, I'm not prepared to try and help someone who is obviously ungrateful', and then would have walked away if he'd kept it up. In all honesty though, you're better off not making eye contact with homeless people these days, as you just don't know what they might do.

I don't want to be too harsh as I appreciate this would have been scary but why should someone else put themselves at risk for your risk taking behaviour? It is well known that a significant number of homeless people have drug/alcohol/mental health problems.

I don't understand you expecting another women to intervene when your husband was standing nearby. The women would have been in the same situation as you? She was also scared. What did you want her to do that you were not doing?

I was too scared to walk away. This persons words were showing me they were not in their right mind. I was frightened.

My husband would have immediately intervened if he was in earshot. He couldn’t hear what was being said.

Just say no in future. Sad to say but most people work on self preservation and won’t step in to help so you have to protect yourself by not giving such people an in, especially when you have dc with you. He was wrong to approach you and make you uncomfortable in the first place.

Other people might have felt frightened too.

I cut them dead before they launch into their script

On reflection, I was afraid to say no and his question was directed at me rather than my husband. I’ve spent most my life in the countryside, so this was a new experience for me. My husband, who is more well travelled, was very shocked I said yes. I found this out afterwards.

I appreciate this. I think I’m just shaken up. I was scared he was going to stab me or attack my husband. It was clear for the staff to see. I wish they had just let me quickly pay. I made it clear I was in distress.

You got yourself into the situation and chose to stay instead of just walking away. Why would anyone else step in? There were two of you, you weren’t alone. Stop being so dramatic.

Get a grip OP. Why on earth did you carry on getting him a drink, homeless or not you dont have to if someone's being horrid to you. Your dh was there, you were in a populated shop, what did you imagine was going to happen?

Thats again on you and your naivety. Most people say no and walk away. You got yourself into it, and should have just walked away as soon as they started being aggressive or weird.

Call him over? Wave at him? You said he could see you were afraid. You can't expect another women to do what you are afraid to do yourself. It was a nice thing to do, but it was your choice to do it. You can't be disappointed that others won't put themselves in danger (especially another women who was uncomfortable and scared) because of the decision you've made. Realistically, you could have walked away.

Its understandable if you were shaken up, but it would probably be more helpful for you to think about how you could handle the whole thing differently if something similar happens again instead of thinking that other people should do it for you.

I’ve obviously got this way wrong.

I am sorry this happened to you, but if I had witnessed this I am not sure I would have understood the issue and would not have known what I could do to help. You can’t expect people to read your mind. Maybe you could have just walked away, with hindsight.

Im sorry this happened to you. People like that are very good at spotting the "nice" person in a group, who will be kind and help them even when it becomes clear that they are severely unwell. You tried to do a good thing and it backfired on you, but noone was hurt and next time you either wont help or will be a bit more robust in your response to them.

I do think it was a bit pathetic that NOONE in the queue stepped up to help, but as PP said, everyone probably thought you were together.

I’m all for helping a lone woman who is being harassed, but you engaged in conversation, walked with them to the queue and stayed with them. Then suddenly started demanding to pay immediately… so again, staying with them and helping them. When you should have just walked back to your husband and left the shop. You weren’t a lone woman being harassed while trying to ignore the person. I wouldn’t step in in your situation because, as a lone woman, I wouldn’t want his attention on me. You had your husband with you. You willingly engaged and walked away with this person.

My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were.

Well he should've come straight over then shouldn't he, while you walked off with the kids.

Hell would freeze over before my husband stood there watching it all play out.