Today I was harassed by a homeless person. AIBU?

[CopeWithChange]

Today, I was in a popular coffee shop in a big city, with my husband and children. Someone approached us - who appeared male but possibly a transgender woman. They said they were homeless and asked me to buy them a drink. I have always tried to be good to the homeless, and a drink seems to be a reasonable request so I said yes. I instructed my DH to wait with the kids and walked this person to the queue. I quite quickly began regretting this decision. My DH was watching carefully, but this individual quite quickly started saying things to make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I’m late 30’s and would say very feminine in appearance. They started saying to me that I was transgender and asking what surgery I had had done. They then looked at my husband saying he sickened them. That he was disguising and he would make sure I was free of him soon. He kept saying “just look at him, watching you. It’s disgusting! but you’ll be free of him very, very soon! My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were. I rushed over to the cashier and said “I need to pay, I need to pay now.” She could see me being uncomfortable and being followed by this individual, who appeared to be possibly on drugs. I made sure my face expressed my fear. It wasn’t hard, as I was genuinely getting frightened. The cashier sent me back to the card readers, where a colleague was working. I said, “can I please pay for this persons drink. I need to pay and I need to leave.” The assistant had me wait while they served the current customer, and the other lady continued making drinks for other customers. There was a lady in the queue I was looking to for help. I’m in my 30’s. She looked very uneasy but avoided all eye contact with me. I paid and left. The individual shouted abuse at my husband as we left and threatened him with assault.

I feel shaken up. No one in ear shot helped. No one cared. Everyone turned a blind eye, despite me knowing they could hear and see. My husband was worried but also fearful to walk my children over and was genuinely out of ear shot. If the man had become visibly aggressive, he would have intervened in a shot. I don’t want him to be flamed here. But the individuals right next to me all did nothing. I feel shaken and upset over this. AIBU to hope that people would do more?

I appreciate your fear but next time say to the cashier very loudly and clearly. I feel very unsafe please can you protect me and remove this individual or just simply walk away quickly saying ‘no I’m phoning the police’ when my daughter was 11/12 the private school bus arrived in the horrible local city bus station and awful people hanging around. There was a Greggs and if for some reason the school bus arrived early it was normally arrive 5pm ish but sometimes a bit earlier they had permission from the Greggs staff to wait inside and not have to buy anything. However despite staff watching etc she was harassed a couple of times slimy men asking to buy her a drink etc and she was always with friends (the 3 of them got a lift back to our town via a parent rota) and were never alone and staff stepped in quickly. My daughter and her friends found it best to shout for help as it they knew the staff eg ‘Katy can we have help’ whilst one of them got a phone out and filmed (always a him) and another one told him ‘move away now or we phone the police’ in about 3 years aged 11-14. Your option should of been you shout ‘no stay away I’m phoning the police now and run to your husband’ or wait with the staff.

I do not give money or buy drinks any more - sad really but I don’t. I donate to charity instead.

Fucking hell some of these replies are vile and highlight everything that’s wrong with society.

You didn’t go out seeking to buy him a drink, he asked and you did a kind thing by saying yes. You did nothing wrong here.

Would you really all turn a blind eye if you saw a frightened woman being harassed by a man? It only takes one person to pretend to know the OP and just start chatting to help diffuse a situation. Nobody had to go in all guns blazing.

What did you want people to do?

The staff likely had the till already primed with other people's orders so no, they couldn't let you skip ahead and pay before previous bills.

You've learnt a lesson, you've not been hurt, calm down, tomorrow is a new day.

I don't think so OP, you're getting a weird response so far, you were in a really horrible situation and no one helped, wasnt there a security guard? I hope you are ok, just write it off as an unlucky experience with a nutter 😊

You could have walked back to your husband. Your husband could have been more proactive. I don't think anyone else around was responsible for the situation.

You should have just said no in the first place, you created the situation then expect other people to get involved with a potentially aggressive/ violent person. I wouldn’t have done anything either, I’d have probably left the shop tbh.
My DH usually speaks up in this kind of situation but he’s a big 6ft guy and isn’t easily intimidated.

Sad to say this, but we are living in an increasingly lawless society. Homeless/Addicts regularly walk into shops and shop lift while everyone stands by and watches, afraid to intervene. This is another example of that.
I can understand why you feel someone could have helped, but what could they have done and would it have improved the outcome? It probably would have escalated the situation as it sounds like this person was being very abusive. When you're afraid you also freeze up and don't always think rationally so I understand why you felt trapped.
I now dontate to charities like Crisis rather than give in person.

A frightened woman whose husband was standing by? I would not involve myself - she had her husband. Wouldn’t be by problem that he was gormless but I’ve got kids and am a single parent, I’m not putting at risk because some woman willingly walked off with a stranger, and then continued to stay with them while her husband was standing a few feet away. She had plenty of options that didn’t involve expecting to be rescued by a stranger.

I don’t understand how you were so scared to say anything, yet went insisting a few times to be served first? Surelu the person would have heard that? Doesn’t make sense. And why on earth would anyone step in, you were the one who brought this person in when most people would not have.

Exactly, you put yourself in a situation where most people would have used some common sense here and walked away.

I wouldn't be getting myself involved with a person like this for those exact reasons, so unfortunately I wouldn't be getting involved with your situation either. Too many crazy people about these days

No one else is 'responsible' for anyone's situations though. We just hope fellow humans can be kind to each other once in a while.. evidently unheard of on this thread!

People didn’t step in because the behaviour was so strange that they can’t place it. That’s normal really, it’s why people struggle to deal with ie delusional people doing strange things.

this person clearly isn’t mentally healthy. I think that negates the whole premise of you being reasonable or unreasonable. It was just a horrible experience.

Yes he should have stepped up first and foremost, but he didn’t.

You’re entitled to your stance. Would it be the same if you had a daughter who was being harassed, or would you hope that strangers might step in and help?

The fellow human I would be relying on in that situation would be my husband, not a random woman in the queue.

The OP's husband was staring the whole time, yet she never beckoned to him and he didn't come to her aid, even though he could see her expression had changed.

No one sensible is going to put themselves at risk if the person seems mentally unstable. Her husband was nearby anyway and she could have called him over or walked away.

I agree with this. Once I was accosted by an aggressive homeless man. He wanted me to buy him food. I went into the shop with him and he was being aggressive. I just said, no I’m going now. Leave me alone, I don’t want to talk to you. I left him in the shop and caught my train. You have to be polite but assertive. No one cares and they won’t help. Best to ignore them from now on, your safety is more important than what they want.

I don't know why you expected strangers to help when your own husband didn't.
Your own post says My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were so why not beckon him over?
I'm afraid the shop assistants aren't going to let you jump the queue, because as far as they can see you are just someone who is getting restless waiting. It would be unusual for someone in a coffee shop queue to be standing with someone they don't know but are buying a drink for, and to feel uncomfortable about being with. It sounds quite contradictory that you are there buying them a drink and yet wanting to leave, so anyone watching on might just think you are both a bit odd and best to ignore you both. The best solution would have been to walk away and very loudly said no.

YABU to be upset that strangers wouldn’t intervene when your own husband didn’t bother despite it being obvious that you were getting rattled.

You haven’t done anything wrong, you just learned that sometimes it’s best not to engage and if you feel uncomfortable again, get away. Or, you can say something yourself.

These people don't want a drink. They want an excuse to start an interaction with someone. Don't ever put yourself in a position where you are trapped in a conversation or situation with them and can't walk away.

What were you expecting people to do? There's no way I (also a woman of similar age to the one in the queue) would stick my oar in. For all I'd know it's an awkward relative or someone you are employed as a carer for.

A person with drug/mental health issues to the level the OP described isn't going to be put off by someone pretending they know the OP. They were happy enough to shout abuse at her husband, they won't suddenly calm down if another scared women tries to intervene or have a chat. It probably would have made it worse.
I don't think anyone has been "vile". Honest, yes. It was a nice thing to do, but naive. The OP has a husband but instead of signalling to him, wanted another women to step in and save her.

Sorry this happened to you. I think a lot of the other commenters are being a bit harsh. I’ve been in a charity shop before and saw a woman in distress being harassed by a bloke. I asked if she was ok and she clearly wasn’t so I escorted her into the back staff area and explained the situation and the guy left.
in the summer a drunk man in the middle of the afternoon started harassing me and my partner, followed us down the busy high street threatening to kill us! For no reason!
my partner had no choice but to knock him out after he followed us into a shop. It was a very scary situation so I feel for you.

Transphobe! 😓