Today I was harassed by a homeless person. AIBU?

[CopeWithChange]

Today, I was in a popular coffee shop in a big city, with my husband and children. Someone approached us - who appeared male but possibly a transgender woman. They said they were homeless and asked me to buy them a drink. I have always tried to be good to the homeless, and a drink seems to be a reasonable request so I said yes. I instructed my DH to wait with the kids and walked this person to the queue. I quite quickly began regretting this decision. My DH was watching carefully, but this individual quite quickly started saying things to make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I’m late 30’s and would say very feminine in appearance. They started saying to me that I was transgender and asking what surgery I had had done. They then looked at my husband saying he sickened them. That he was disguising and he would make sure I was free of him soon. He kept saying “just look at him, watching you. It’s disgusting! but you’ll be free of him very, very soon! My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were. I rushed over to the cashier and said “I need to pay, I need to pay now.” She could see me being uncomfortable and being followed by this individual, who appeared to be possibly on drugs. I made sure my face expressed my fear. It wasn’t hard, as I was genuinely getting frightened. The cashier sent me back to the card readers, where a colleague was working. I said, “can I please pay for this persons drink. I need to pay and I need to leave.” The assistant had me wait while they served the current customer, and the other lady continued making drinks for other customers. There was a lady in the queue I was looking to for help. I’m in my 30’s. She looked very uneasy but avoided all eye contact with me. I paid and left. The individual shouted abuse at my husband as we left and threatened him with assault.

I feel shaken up. No one in ear shot helped. No one cared. Everyone turned a blind eye, despite me knowing they could hear and see. My husband was worried but also fearful to walk my children over and was genuinely out of ear shot. If the man had become visibly aggressive, he would have intervened in a shot. I don’t want him to be flamed here. But the individuals right next to me all did nothing. I feel shaken and upset over this. AIBU to hope that people would do more?

You described it pretty well. I think some people enjoy giving shaken up people a hard time.

I completely understand you trying to end the interaction by following through with buying a drink. I just don’t get why you expect other people to do something to make the man go away you weren’t able to do it either?

You need to build your resilience and also look at your behaviour. You just say no I've changed my mind and leave. You stayed and was a target.
I am not victim blaming. These were my client group and the boundaries need to be very clear.

I totally understand that it would have been a frightening situation for you.

To expect people who were in the queue or staff to have:

Observed/heard the situation.

Understand that you were scared and out of your depth.

Intervened and resolved the issue?

Completely unreasonable.

I grew up in Glasgow… trust me when I say I’ve had worse than this. I never did what you did.
Walk away.

He could have easily just walked over with the kids...

And if the guy was looking like trouble. Said "OP take the kids outside to get a milkshake/cookie/whatever".

YANU OP, this is a huge issue and misunderstanding. Homeless people as a rule do not beg. Beggars beg and beggars are usually not nice people at all. I work with homelss teenagers and beggars destroy honest homless peoples chances in life and create a huge amount of misery.

It’s also power in numbers, it’s about everyone stepping up. Like you say, you’re from a small place, it’s different. When people used to live in small communities and people knew each other the world was a better place. It’s why I hate being in cities for very long!

Why would you expect strangers to have a different reaction to you. I’m a woman in my 30s and I wouldn’t involve myself if I see someone threatening with someone else, I can call the police when I’m safe to do so but I can’t put myself in danger for you, you won’t do the same either.

Exactly. In an earlier reply you said I was scared he was going to stab me or attack my husband

Assuming the others in the queue knew at all of exactly what was happening, this is what they likely would be fearing also. Not saying it’s right but sort of explains why no one intervened especially in the absence of anything physical occurring.

Also, DH keeps being mentioned because you also said, he was watching you and could tell something was wrong and moved closer but then didn’t do anything so maybe even he was worried about being attacked?

YANBU to be upset but possibly are to have expected a different outcome from bystanders. Like o said earlier though it’s horrible this happened when you were trying to do a nice thing for someone disadvantaged and it back fired and I hope you’re feeling better.

I was scared he was going to stab me or attack my husband

There was a lady in the queue I was looking to for help. I’m in my 30’s. She looked very uneasy but avoided all eye contact with me.

No one in ear shot helped. No one cared. Everyone turned a blind eye, despite me knowing they could hear and see. My husband was worried but also fearful to walk my children over and was genuinely out of ear shot.

So your husband was too fearful to help you but you expected a stranger woman in the queue to help?

This is one of the most bizarre posts I’ve read here.

Just because you’re from the country doesn’t mean people need to put themselves in danger for you.

Homeless people do beg. What on earth are you on about.

I also think you are angry at the wrong people op.

You said your DH came closer as he knew something was going on. I agree with others that you can’t expect strangers to help you if he wouldn’t.

I think you needed to be clearer with the cashiers about exactly why you needed to pay urgently.

I also agree others may not have fully understood the situation and possibly thought you knew the person or was working with them, as you walked in with them. I agree with others that the ‘done’ thing is more to let the person wait outside while you buy something for them and take it back outside for them.

I also agree you should have just walked away.

Just put it down to a learning experience and consider what you would do next time. At a bare minimum, make them wait outside. But personally I would not offer them anything at all.

Also consider these coffee houses etc and the people that work in them. Many of them are young. I was just 16 years old when I worked in one, so regardless of them being staff, i wouldn’t want to bring that situation on them either by bringing a stranger in who is potentially high or drunk.

Of course you can ...it's called a diagram.

Like my imaginary scenario here...

I just don't understand that DH was close enough to see a change in the situation.... Move closer.... But still not come straight to you and assist/intervene despite you making it so obvious your were scared.

How did he not realise that you needed help?

This, completely. Most people are in their own thoughts or on their phones, at the best of times and if your husband didn't get it then its likely others didn't.

It's shit feeling scared. Report the antisocial behaviour online and swerve next time.

This!

You could have done all of this but instead you’re blaming the staff. Come on!

I get that you live rurally and this was a new and frightening experience. I do think though that you should get some personal safety training in case you are ever in a similar situation.

Op with respect what did you want the public to do that your husband didn’t? Presumably your husband didn't intervene because he didn’t want a scene in front of the kids, but other people also weren’t unreasonable to put their own safety first either. If you as a grown woman couldn’t handle this interaction what did you want them to do?

Secondly what on earth were you thinking interacting with a homeless person to start with. I don’t care how this sounds, the vast majority are not ‘homeless veterans’ but violent drug addicts who spend their lives harassing, intimidating and stealing. Or worse. If they try to speak to me I act like they don’t exist. There are charities to help, it isn’t your place to do so.

Your reaction is completely understandable. It is your expectation that other people should have said or done something when you and your husband couldn’t that is questionable.

If you were scared enough yourself to not walk away, I'm sure others could also sense that it was dangerous for them to get involved. It's similar for both.

Sounds like an awful situation and I understand why you were frightened and didn't want to antagonise them further by going back on your agreement to buy the drink.

Sorry to say it, but I don't buy drinks etc for people on the street. I make the assumption that donations to a charity probably do more targeted good.

I also feel that homeless people are perhaps more likely to have issues with drug dependency than a few decades ago, and as a result are more likely to be under the influence and unpredictable. I'm not seeking to demonise people with drug dependency, but it makes the interaction more high risk than perhaps it used to be. I especially wouldn't engage with my kids on the scene - while it might seem like it sets a good example, the interaction can get out of hand.

I'm not seeking to demonise people with drug dependency

I don’t demonise them but I hold them 100% accountable for taking drugs and their ensuing behaviour. I have very little sympathy for the men.

No the scenario doesn't make sense.

The husband was close enough to see something was up.... Moved closer.... and was somehow still to far away to hear anything at all and then seemingly stood by when his wife gave "very clear" signals she was scared.... Bit he didn't do anything at all?

At the first sign something was up, I'd expect him to have come directly to OP.

So either the husband failed her or the OP wasn't as clear as she claimed in her scared demeanor...

Oh try harder OP. The attempt at getting all the transphobes going 🤣