Today I was harassed by a homeless person. AIBU?

[CopeWithChange]

Today, I was in a popular coffee shop in a big city, with my husband and children. Someone approached us - who appeared male but possibly a transgender woman. They said they were homeless and asked me to buy them a drink. I have always tried to be good to the homeless, and a drink seems to be a reasonable request so I said yes. I instructed my DH to wait with the kids and walked this person to the queue. I quite quickly began regretting this decision. My DH was watching carefully, but this individual quite quickly started saying things to make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I’m late 30’s and would say very feminine in appearance. They started saying to me that I was transgender and asking what surgery I had had done. They then looked at my husband saying he sickened them. That he was disguising and he would make sure I was free of him soon. He kept saying “just look at him, watching you. It’s disgusting! but you’ll be free of him very, very soon! My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were. I rushed over to the cashier and said “I need to pay, I need to pay now.” She could see me being uncomfortable and being followed by this individual, who appeared to be possibly on drugs. I made sure my face expressed my fear. It wasn’t hard, as I was genuinely getting frightened. The cashier sent me back to the card readers, where a colleague was working. I said, “can I please pay for this persons drink. I need to pay and I need to leave.” The assistant had me wait while they served the current customer, and the other lady continued making drinks for other customers. There was a lady in the queue I was looking to for help. I’m in my 30’s. She looked very uneasy but avoided all eye contact with me. I paid and left. The individual shouted abuse at my husband as we left and threatened him with assault.

I feel shaken up. No one in ear shot helped. No one cared. Everyone turned a blind eye, despite me knowing they could hear and see. My husband was worried but also fearful to walk my children over and was genuinely out of ear shot. If the man had become visibly aggressive, he would have intervened in a shot. I don’t want him to be flamed here. But the individuals right next to me all did nothing. I feel shaken and upset over this. AIBU to hope that people would do more?

Learn to stand up for yourself and stop expecting others to jump in to defend you. Your DH could have done something.

Good to know some self defense. And honestly just ignore the homeless, they are homeless for a reason.

Agree

I'm shocked at the harsh responses you have received. Please ignore them.

This. "No, sorry" and keep walking.

I get why the OP acted the way she did. We can't blame ourselves for aour shock response etc etc

However I still have no idea why the DH didn't do anything and why OP can't explain why DH was close by... yet far enough away...

Coffee shops aren't that big...

Could have left. Picked up the children and legged it.

that sounds very frightening, but I don’t think people ignored it out of not caring.

i think people try to ignore crazy people like that because they are frightened themselves, or don’t want to make things worse.

I think it’s worth getting in touch with the cafe. Tell them how it made you feel as a lot of places will chase homeless/ beggars out if they’re upsetting customers.

they’ll probably have CCTV- he was making threats which is an offence. Why not get in touch, so staff are aware and can stop him coming into the cafe and ban him from their premises? they may already have issues with this guy

What are you talking about?

I am not surprised but you aren’t going to get sympathy on here. I don’t know what I would’ve done it sounds so frightening and it is sad that people don’t say anything but I think that is society now unfortunately. I hope you are okay.

I'm very sorry this happened to you.

Is it possible this person was known to the coffee shop as someone mentally ill? Possibly other men nearby thought it was a mentally ill woman? I think you'd only find out by going back and talking to the staff about it.

I think the lesson is always trust your instinct, if it feels unsafe or uncomfortable then it is.

And, if buying a homeless person a drink, buy any drink then hand it to them outside.

Some people know the right things to say to get into your head and make you freeze - I remember on a train once, a man said to me 'I bet your parents never loved you.' Chilling.

I also had bad experience taking someone to a cash machine in the 90s and giving them money for a hostel and watching them get in a car of the hostel owner who was taking them there....then seeing them on a TV national documentary about Brighton two weeks later about shooting heroin showing the lumps it caused on their inner thighs.

In the 2010s I found details of a local shelter near London Bridge, when they refurbished the station I was struck by the contrast of all the posh shops and homelessness which seemed worse than before. I made a donation for some of their cards. They offer hot meals and showers. Do you know how many homeless people have been interested in the card when I've given it to them? Zero! They just say I know about them.

Precisely. You might have had a point if you were disabled or elderly or there were strong men around or you knew these particular women were advanced practitioners of martial arts, but otherwise why should any of the women you were looking to for help put themselves at risk in this situation?

Yeah you should have just decked him! 😂

Sorry to sound callous, and I know you meant well OP, but it's a lesson about charitable intentions. Not everyone on skid row is a hard-done-by tart-with-a-heatt-of-gold lavender seller from a Dickens novel. I'm not taking the piss, I spent a lifetime learning this lesson as my default setting was always a bit Marie Antoinette despite not being from a privileged background.

So I would have just walked away from the man, gone back to my husband and left the shop!

Know it and use it as a very very very very last resort.

I’m always open to being told I’m at fault - so I completely respect the replies saying I handled this wrong. It was more me who was approached than my husband, due to the way we were standing. I didn’t feel comfortable to say no. That’s my fault. And a lesson I have learned the hard way. I actually stupidly thought the safest bet was just quickly buying this person a drink and moving on with my day. There was a barrier, as well as a stand between my husband and I. The position of the counter meant I had my back to DH predominantly. He felt something was off and moved closer for a better visual, and would have been the first to intervene if he had known what was going on, as he would have if he had seen anything physical. He was unsure, and also had our two children to consider. I understand now that it’s wrong of me to think anyone would try to help. I just hoped the staff would quickly ring up the drink so I could go. I made it abundantly clear to them that I was frightened - trust me. I will learn from this and be more wary moving forwards.

So what should have actually happened as a resolution here then?

The trouble is that almost all "help" they request put you at risk immediately. You have to either get out your wallet (risk of snatching) or phone (same).

Read the OP.

In my experience most of the time people are in their own world in places like coffee shops. I know I am! People are either trying to figure out what they want to order, if they have enough time or.thinking about a million other things. A lot of people also use ear phones when out alone so they may not have heard.
It is a sad state of affairs but as a country we no longer have the same kind of community where you knowosy people. We are all to busy trying ronfit everything in that we pay little attention to others. If people do notice most would expect your DH to step in.

Op I hope you feel calmer and safer now you are home.

They approached me whilst I was inside the coffee shop. They came in and walked straight for me. It was as if I was targeted.

So why didn't he come straight to you at the first sign of trouble?

I am genuinely confused as to why he wouldn't have done that.

I cannot imagine my DH just stepping a bit closer.... Ad then doing nothing. He would have come right to me in the first place...

Yes, I’d imagine the guy was hanging around and the customers ahead in the queue had already blanked him - so I would find it a bit frustrating that OP had drawn him further into the shop and the queue, then appealed silently to others for help.