Today I was harassed by a homeless person. AIBU?

[CopeWithChange]

Today, I was in a popular coffee shop in a big city, with my husband and children. Someone approached us - who appeared male but possibly a transgender woman. They said they were homeless and asked me to buy them a drink. I have always tried to be good to the homeless, and a drink seems to be a reasonable request so I said yes. I instructed my DH to wait with the kids and walked this person to the queue. I quite quickly began regretting this decision. My DH was watching carefully, but this individual quite quickly started saying things to make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I’m late 30’s and would say very feminine in appearance. They started saying to me that I was transgender and asking what surgery I had had done. They then looked at my husband saying he sickened them. That he was disguising and he would make sure I was free of him soon. He kept saying “just look at him, watching you. It’s disgusting! but you’ll be free of him very, very soon! My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were. I rushed over to the cashier and said “I need to pay, I need to pay now.” She could see me being uncomfortable and being followed by this individual, who appeared to be possibly on drugs. I made sure my face expressed my fear. It wasn’t hard, as I was genuinely getting frightened. The cashier sent me back to the card readers, where a colleague was working. I said, “can I please pay for this persons drink. I need to pay and I need to leave.” The assistant had me wait while they served the current customer, and the other lady continued making drinks for other customers. There was a lady in the queue I was looking to for help. I’m in my 30’s. She looked very uneasy but avoided all eye contact with me. I paid and left. The individual shouted abuse at my husband as we left and threatened him with assault.

I feel shaken up. No one in ear shot helped. No one cared. Everyone turned a blind eye, despite me knowing they could hear and see. My husband was worried but also fearful to walk my children over and was genuinely out of ear shot. If the man had become visibly aggressive, he would have intervened in a shot. I don’t want him to be flamed here. But the individuals right next to me all did nothing. I feel shaken and upset over this. AIBU to hope that people would do more?

Maybe he should’ve said, I’ll get it?

I would have just shouted my husbands name "FRAAAAAAAAAAAASER" he would have come running.

Although saying that, he would have most probably taken the person themselves, or just told him to fuck him off and leave us alone.

I think this is the crux, OP - you drew them further into the coffee shop by joining the queue with them rather than not engaging. Others weren’t sure how to react and I doubt the staff welcomed this. Unfortunately in cities you just don’t engage, sad as that seems. Mostly they just run in, grab a drink and run out. Try not to let it spoil your weekend, you instinctively tried to do a kind deed whereas others are more “battle-hardened”.

This is why I don't engage with individual homeless people. I donate to organisations instead. I can think of a few similar incidents as yours that family and friends have experienced. You never know if they're dangerous, on drugs, or what. You were kind but a little naive to engage with him.

I wouldn’t intervene if I’d seen you walk in with him and your husband. An actual lone woman being accosted by someone who is clearly a stranger - probably if I felt safe to do so.

You did nothing wrong but please don't think bad of others when you felt too intimidated to speak up yourself. They may also have felt the same.

Have you phoned the police?

I didn’t walk in with him. The coffee shop was quiet. I walked towards the queue with him. Those overhearing our conversation, could tell I wasn’t with them by the questions and statements being said. And then by me being visibly frightened.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP when you were clearly just trying to do a good thing in an unfamiliar situation.

A good many years ago I was harassed really horribly on a packed commuter train by a man who was totally pissed. He didn't touch me but was in my face saying terrible things. I was alone and afraid and tried to move away but couldn't. Nobody did anything to help and that was the worst bit of it.

I got off at the next station and a young man got off the train at the same station and was so lovely to me. He said he and he thought other people were afraid to intervene for fear of escalating the situation but that if the man had touched me they would have stepped up. Those words gave me comfort and I hope they do you too.

Just be kind to yourself and put this down to bitter experience.

The quickest way to finish this situation is exactly how it played out.
The only way I would intervene is if op was a teenager or someone else I assess as vulnerable. Op is a grown adult with her own husband nearby, no one else needed to do anything, if they did poke their nose in then it would likely escalate the person's behaviour.
This person didn't hurt you, you were safe in a shop, they rambled and shouted and made you uncomfortable but you made it home unharmed.

You can’t phone the police and tell them someone scared you and shouted at you earlier in Costa whilst you were buying them a drink. What would they do?

Well I would have stepped in and said something, but I am always getting myself in trouble for doing so, so I kind of understand why people don’t. You tried to do a nice thing, just don’t think about it, it’s done. Probably not saying anything (you or anyone) was the best thing for the situation as the person might have reacted badly. But I have also learnt you cannot really rely on many people, and you have to look out for yourself. Not everyone, of course.

She’d be taught better than to do what OP did.

I definitely would help a woman (or man) being harassed if I could im sure im not the only one

But even her husband didn't realise something was very wrong.... And he knows her well, why would a stranger know better?

I think that young man was spot on - and clearly very thoughtful.

There appears to be a swathe of victim-blamery in these responses.

Most times, the shop staff will come over and move people on if they approach customers. If you engage with someone who has entered the shop and queue up with them for a drink, then the dynamics change and you become a pair of people who are customers, so the staff can’t move them on.

my children are older now but I wouldn’t have engaged with someone in this way in a coffee shop if they’d been small, even if my husband had been there. They would have likely sat down with me and the kids; it might have been difficult to dissuade them, you can’t be sure of the outcome with that so to me it’s not safe parenting. However I do buy warm drinks for people sitting on the street if they are sober and approachable, because it’s easier to get away quick if you need to in that situation.

But what could they have said that you couldn’t have said for yourself?

The cashier can’t have heard everything because she was busy, but you had the choice not to pay at all if you wanted to get away.

I don't know where you were, but if I buy a homeless person a drink I ask them what they want and go and get it, I don't take them with me. Good on you for helping someone. Very sorry it turned out to be uncomfortable. ❤

Fuck me. Some of these replies are horrific.

I get why you didn’t just walk away…that would escalate the person and then you’re looking at the risk of him/her/whatever following you back to your kids, throwing things, yelling etc.

And this whole “well, how can you expect others to say something when you couldn’t do it yourself”. Wow. Because not all of us have that level of confidence and bravery and it’s the social contract of polite and civilised society to help others when one does have the strength.

I’m a 30s woman and not sure what I would have done as I don’t want to get stabbed either. I think had one person stepped in, others would instantly have followed. You’d have hoped the staff would have asked him to leave, assuming he was audibly abusive and disruptive.

I’m really sorry this happened to you and I’d be equally as upset.

Unfortunately there are people who prey on kindness as a weakness. In my hometown 2 teenage lads asked an older man for help finding something they dropped (a phone I think). They were off their heads, turned on him and killed him with a homemade samurai sword, right there in the car park.

No, people on here are just kind of dicks these days. It’s not unusual to not react in the way you think you’re going to do when you feel physically threatened, it’s instinctive. I’m sorry that happened to you.

It’s also possible the cafe staff didn’t know how to react either or instinctively were trying to de-escalate by ignoring the situation. He’s possibly also known to them.

He was far away. The ppl closer would have heard what the crazy person was saying.

I might have misread your fear as irritation and being late/in a rush.. you were there waiting to pay for the drink. Im not clear why when it got weird you didnt return to your family. Or why you didnt tell the cashier you were worried/upset